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As of tomorrow Rawk will no longer officially be living with me. I feel so sad. And i know that i am unlikely to see him again. He acutally said that he is not sad to be leaving, and is in fact happy to go. No thank you, considering i took him in when he was living somewhere really horrible. But, i remind myself that i never did it for the thanks. I did it because a friend in need, and all that.

I have booked tickets with him to see Narnia in December, but as he won't take his ticket with him, i suspect he'll end up cancelling like last time. At least i am very prepared for it now.

I have asked my friend richard if he will help me, as i just can't face coming home to a place i hate, and getting help seems to be the best thing to do...

He cancelled the quiz. Quelle surprise.

Found out that another reason he has gone quiet, and is less interested is that he has found a new friend. I don't begrudge this, as i want Rawk to be happy. I just wish i had a close friend of my own.

No, i am happy for him. When he isn't being mean, he is a nice guy, and deserves to be loved up. He spends so much time with his ex, and presumably listening to his ex talk about his new fella, that this would be good for him.

But....oh...how i feel as if i am always on the outside looking in.

I will miss him when he is gone, but i won't get another hosuemate... i just need to make a friend, or more to try and fill up the empty days.

All of which makes me very self-centered, i know.

And i don't want ot be self-centred, but i guess so many many years on my own kind of makes me a bit that way.

Oh well, i hope i can get goodbye drinks on Friday. He was supposed to be coming to a quiz with me this evening, but isn't responding to texts or a phone call. I think that that's the thing that hurts most...

I guess it makes sense, although to be fair he is very rarely at my home, and i see him a max of 2 days a week. But still, it's really a very mean thing to say to someone especially when you are leaving their home.

I think the chances of me actually bothering to make an effort to keep in touch are slight.

Things go from bad to worse. Apparently since he currently lives with me Rawk is "less-excited" to hear from me. I can't think of a meaner thing to say to someone who is not only supposed to be a friend, but a mean thing to say to someone who took your into their home when you were living in a place you hated.

How unkind and cruel.

I so long for that close friendship that i seek. I don't want to feel on the outside anymore.

I know...i guess i just long for friends who are around. People wonder why i get so intense, but i guess it's after years of being picked up and then dropped when conveniant that now i just want to get as much in the, what seems, little time...

But i know it makes things worse...vicious cycle...

Seems like i have found the reason why Rawk has been like he is recently. He didn't like being called my housemate, and is now moving out.

I tried to explain that to me, introducing him as my housemate was a big deal to me. I have never shared with anyone, and it meant he was a very good friend. But, whatever. He's not now, so it doesn't matter.

Well, that friendship now over. He barely keeps in touch with anyone apart from his ex.

It does seem like this loneliness is never ending.
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