So anyway i went to Gorsley. My tent got pitched with a little help, next time i just know not to worry, and that it will stand when the guys are in. It was snug, and was just the right size. However, i had trouble sleeping. Clearly i am getting soft in my old age, and i'm going to have to invest in some kind of mat. Not an air bed, but several people had these self inflating mats, which they claimed were quite comfy...

The festival was great. There was a really inspirational speaker, Louie Giglio, who completely changed my life.

I have been struggling for a long long time, angry with everyone and everything in that quiet repressed way that only the English have! What he had to say really helped me, and i'm trying to get back to my faith again.

I'm finding it hard though, away from Gorsley. It seems often that in the church there is no place for you if you are over 30, female and single. I'm too old for youth events, although i feel very young and immature, for women it then seems either week day meetings (well, i'm working so i can't go), or meetings for the retired, or toddler groups. I long to find somewhere that would accept me. I feel as if i have wasted the last five years. I could have been branching out and going to places like Taize, and...and... i have to stop looking at the past and regretting it.

Thanks Fiona for your comment. I just write in a rather stream of consciousness way. If you met me in real life the same piffley ramblings would come out!

I am hard on myself, but i have definately come a long way!

I'm going to have to go to the post office on Wednesday and get a price for posting off my TMA. It's very annoying. I don't really want to bend it, as it then gets creased, and it's not nice for my tutor to mark something thats all bent and creased. That means finding out how much it's going to cost. Because it's just 4 or 5 pages of paper, it easily came under the old first class price. Now i reckon it's going to cost 40p at least, which is nearly double! I think that this will spur the OU into rolling out their electronic submission tool for more courses. I don't really know why they haven't done it for this, as it these tmas are just text - no diagrams, or even images.

I did have a wee drink this weekend! My mum went to Highgrove and bought me some organic gin! It's nice stuff, and i had a few shots over the weekend, with plenty of tonic!

I'm getting ready for my trip to Gorsley. I'm probably going to go in convey with Linds and family, and then sneak onto the family site with them. She's also invited me to eat with them, which is really kind - so i may do that, i guess i will see. I'm going to plan for my own food, but perhaps eat with them. I guess it depends on what everyone is doing.

Me, i plan to sleep!

Tomorrow i'm going to argos to get an alarm clock. I did have a nice little travel one, but the humidity in my bathroom killed it off. I've seen a nice pink one with a big display, so that i should be able tor ead it without my glasses on. I also need to go and buy batteries for my little lantern, and a vaccum for my car. My car is really disgustingly dirty, with grass in it from last years Gorsley festival!

Linds also said that i can put my few bits and pieces in their fridge, so that works out well. Plus they will help my put my tent up, and i can help with their trailer tent. I think i'm still going to take both my tents though...

It's this time of the year when i look back and realise what i giant failure i have made of my life. I coudl sit here and blame it on other people, and in part i suppose it's true. I mean, there's a reason why neither me or my sister are married with a family years after our friends have settled down...i think it's one of those things where when you don't see a happy familly it's hard to know how to do it for yourself...

There are other things too, such as we always had to be happy and smiley and "good". I got drunk once, day my boyfriend had dumped me and i had gone to the funeral of one of my schoolfriends. I was told that i was something to be ashamed of. I think in a normal family i would have been comforted at those two events, and not too much fuss made of the fact that to try and cope with the terrible pain i got very drunk.

Of course there are plenty, plenty of decisions which i have made myself, and i wish i could change everything. I honestly would.

The one thing i struggle with now is my weight. I truly do not believe that i eat a lot. I don't sit there eating packets of biscuits, or KFC every night.

I try and think positively about things i have done. Frinstance my OU degree. I am doing well at that. I do need to get 70 on my exam though to get a grade 2, which is asking quite a bit. But i'm confident that i will pass though, and thats the main thing. Got a tutorial tomorrow, i could really do with a lie in. This is what happens when i don't go to bed at 10pm.

I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow, too. It's too long and is annoying me now!

sometimes though i think that maybe i was never meant to meet anyone and have a family so that the cycle of neglect and abuse can stop.

Although i then think that i am a nice person, and i do deserve to meet someone and get the happiness i crave, but my weight really prevents me from having the courage to meet anyone...

Tonight i'm going to try and extend my cookery skills and make a crab and lemon pasta. It sounds pretty easy and i think i like crab...i hope so anyway! Wish me luck!

I used the Sam Stern cookery book that i got for cheap from the book people. I made scrambled eggs out of it (simple i know, but one has to start somewhere), and they were delicious. I ate them with buttered toast, and they were beautiful and sweet. I also tried making an omelette from the book, but i think i preferred the taste of the scrambled eggs!

I went to wilkos in Chelmsley Wood yesterday and picked up the AA book of family walks (for inspiration) and a microwave egg cooker. essentially you crack an egg into it, pierce the yolk and cook. You should end up with a soft boiled egg. It wasn't as good as a traditionally boiled egg, but as it took 45 seconds, instead of minutes heating up the water, then 4 minutes for the egg, it was more energy efficient.

I am still thinking about me camping in Gorsley and keeping things fresh. I'm sure i could nab some space in Linds' fridge. I don't really need much. Maybe a place for some butter and milk. I hope that they are going! I'm pretty certain that they haven't boked it yet. I kind of wish i was going to be in the same field as them, but the extra exercise will do me good. I'm thinking that perhaps over the winter i may invest in a cool box and leisure battery...

I did ok with my tma, a little over 200 words left. Tonight i'm going to go through a find references for those things that i couldn't find them for. It's boring, but needs to be done, and is a nice break from writing. I did a lot of editing and moving sections around over the weekend, so hopefully it is a better essay. I may leave where it is after then until the tutorial on Saturday. I can easily write 200 words in a weekend, so i am pleased. I've started on the last block now. A bit nervous about the exam, i have no clue what i should be looking at to revise, but hopefully the tutorial will give me some thoughts.

Still waiting to get my 50 quid from Yougov, so i can go and buy a new bike!

I'm going to have to get the windscreen on my car replaced at some point. It's now at the limit for repairs... i really do need to save for car repairs...

I went to wing yips on Saturday. There is an almost overwhelming variety of food! I was sorely tempted to go to wing wah for a buffet lunch, but remembered that i am trying to not eat out this month, in an attempt to get that credit card bill down.

Still plodding along with the TMA, dull work, but i'll type on Saturday and that will make me feel better! I'm giving myself tonight off, but will go through Pliny to pick out anything else i can write about. I can still have done the full 2000 words before the tutorial, so i'm feeling good!

Paid off 150 quid from my credit card, it's slowly but surely going down. No extra money in my car fund though...

I'm not going to eat out this month, I spend too much on it. I also need to seriously think about bringing in food to work, as i spend loads here. I've used some savings to pay for my camping equipment. I have a little money tucked away and it's nice to ocasionally spend it on something makes me happy (like my PVR!), but thats few and far between.

Having packed lunches and no eating out, should free up quite a bit of money each month. No doubt i'll spend it on books and cd's, but thats ok.

I went to go outdoors and bought the merlin 3. I tried to put it up on Sunday bit it was much too hot. I was just sliding poles through holes and the sweat was dripping off my nose! I think that this tent is more of a two person job, although the heat did put me off. I managed the smaller one by myself... but still, i hopefully should be able to get help from Lindsay and co to take one end of the tent, me the other and pull!
<>PI am so fat, today i feel like a huge round blob. But i can't stop eating. It hurts, and i hurt. Honestly, if i could have my jaws wired shut, i would.

Have to go and feed mums cat, then my own and the 100 words! I am on track, although am running out of things to write, and am about half way through.

Speaking of OU, i "only" got 70 for my last tma. It wasn't the best i have written, but 70 is a good score, and i think will land me a comfortable grade 2(2:1) if i don't mess up the exam. Last year it was a close call...

Anyway, but to more interesting stuff. At go outdoors i caved and bought a suitcase style stove. I'm pleased with it. I can use that for things that require a much hotter temperature, and the eurohike for simmering. It got very hot very quickly, and i fried some sausages and an egg nicely. I think it's much too powerful for a gentle simmer though, i was frying on almost the lowest mark on the scale! I also got a rubber mallet, and peg puller and an igniter. I was very pleased with all of those. I just need a water carrier and a table now i think.

The only thing that i'm really missing is a way to keep food cool. It's not a campsite, so no way of getting frozen packs to put in a cooler...

I decided to try out the longlife brunch on my trangia. It didn't really fry terribly well, so i am thinking about getting a very small gas stove, so that i can do fry's and probably boil water, which lives the eurohike for simmering away. The actual brunch was quite tasty, but was really just slices of potato, a little fat to fry them in, some very small pieces of bacon and a vague oniony taste. So i'm back to the drawing board again. Now i'm thinking about something simple like bagels and spread.

I need to exercise. My knees and back hurt today. I think i need to get my eye toy working again...

sore throat-wise i'm feeling better, but now i have tooth ache and a headache. urgh. I had 3 hours of work yesterday as TOIL, and i motored over to go outdoors to look at the merlin 3. They had it set up, and the porch was not big enough to stand up in, so the picture was a bit deceiving! The store itself was nice, big with loads of tents on display, and soem quite reasonable prices. I didn't buy anything, but i am giving some serious considering to the merlin. There was plenty of room for me to sit down, and i guess i could cook on my trangia inside. they had the suitcase style gas stoves for a tenner, which is quite a bargain, and quite tempting to try in case i fail miserably with my trangia! I am going to try frying with it this Saturday. I bought a sainsburys longlife bacon, potato and onion mixture. they used to do two different versions of this, but it now seems to be down to just one. If not, i will head back to the shop on Saturday and buy the gas stove. My gelert is a good tent, but probably a bit small for a 4 day festival...

I've practically finished part 1 of tma05. I'm going to leave that now til after the tutorial, as i may get some ideas from that. Part 2, i do have time enough to do if i take a good steady pace. There is even enough time for me to go to Gorsley. Tonight i'm going to do some proper planning, and a hundred words which hopefully should put me in good stead.

I think i'm going to stop salsa. my right arm started hurting again. I skipped salsa last week, and lo and behold, my arm isn't sore. I LOVE to dance, but i don't love having a painful arm.

Feeling better today - hurrah. I've been looking at tents, and i'm thinking about getting something like the wynnster Merlin 3. Bigger than the one i have now, but it would give me a little porch, so i could sit inside when it rains(which it will in the UK). Do i look at buying it now or later? For Gorsley the small one if probably ok - as i can always hide in Lindsays tent...

Feel quite crappy. Sore throat and ear ache on my left side. Generally under the weather. And i have made no progress on my tma at all. I feel so out of practice, that it is hard to knuckle down and even write 100 words.