I feel rather blank and empty today. I spent 3 hours yesterday trying to put together a chair from ikea, and i expect to spend another 3 hours trying to finish it off tonight.

Looking on the Buffy board, someone has posted start dates of new series; CSi-miami should be coming to Five soon (yes!, i love CSI, so am interested to see what this new series is like), Taken (saw a brief first trailer for that yesterday), Friends and ER (although ER just seems to be on e4 and not c4 at the moment), Sex and the City (starts this week)...

I also went to Midnight Communion at St johns. It was so strange to flick through their Contact and see requests for prayers for names that i recognised. I would have gone again this Sunday, but i was travelling down to London to se Nerina! It was at the royal festival hall, instead of the usual venue, and yes i was mad enough to drive into central london! I got a bit lost, but i allowed plenty of time, and got to the pizza express where people from the nerina yahoo club were meeting bang on time.

Someone who was there described me meeting Nerina as : "It was cool to see how excited [smallkat] was when she was getting Nerina to sign her program (if she had been wearing those mittens that kids have, with the piece of wool running through the sleeves, you could have strung her up in Regent St. As an extra light.) ". And there i was thinking that i was as cool as a cucumber!

i made a start on my TMA - jotting down some of the words i want to talk about, and the two distinct parts of the article. I want to start with the introduction first and then go on. On the FC system, some other students have mentioned that their tutors will be having a tutorial abotu it, so i want to write something up, ready to have to hand and alter if necessary for my first tutorial. And if it isn't about that, well then i still have a couple of weeks before it needs to be handed in, so that works out quite well. I'm hoping to finish it this week, and then make a start on working through the course proper.

I really also need to sort through the garage...

It feels like it's been a long while since i wrote i halfway decent entry.

I'm more settled in the house, although i haven't spent the night there yet. But i now have a bed, and bedding and a borrowed television, and a coffee table! I need to sort some of the stuff that is in my mums garage out, before i can hire removal men for my sofa and washing machine.

The painting that i have done in the hallway has made a great difference, i'm going to post soem before and after pictures, but it's gone from a stark white with dark green dado, to a warmer pale yellow with a beautiful spring green dado. It would take too long to remove the flock wallpaper and dado (my ideal choice), and this will definately do until then.

Saturday night i went to see ex cathedra. Really very good. The range of songs were mostly modern (a pity, since ex cathedra are famed for Early music) and competently performed. I felt that towards the end it seemed a little tired, although given that it was the last night of a four night run, maybe that wasn't too surprising.

I've worked my way through the prep materials for the OU, and am working myself up for the TMA (written assessment) that goes with it. It has been so long (ten years!) since i have done anything really like this.

I've been expanding myself. As well as listening to radio 2 now, i also discovered that radio 4 has some great comedy programmes as i drive home from work. Sometimes you feel like music, and other times like having a laugh. I like having a choice!

I'm part way through completely the prep material for OU, and now have my copy fo the first few blocks worth of stuff. Sometimes it feels like a drag, and other times i'm very excited to be learning new skills.

How do you know you are stressed? When you line manager gives you the stressline number and HR says that that if you need time of or help, all i need to do is ask...

The bloke who will hopefully replace my door is coming tonight, i don't know how much it'll be, but having a decent, secure and easy to unlock (for me, not burglers) will be worth it. At the moment i feel certain that a few well placed kicks could break it down, and the lock is very difficult for me to open. Of course, it won't be fitted this year, btu just getting things moving is a good start and a good boost to my positivity. Or some such nonsense. I'm hoping to get away reasonably early...

One of colleagues at work was sent a huge bunch of red roses today. I felt those pangs of jealousy again.

My biggest fear, apart from the general grottiness, is that i simply cannot afford this. It's times like these that i wish i didn't have to do this alone, but i don't have a choice.

Sorry i haven't written for a while. I now have the leys to my new place, and although not moved in, i've made a vague start on deciding what needs to be done.

It was a big shock when i walked in, it looked so bare, and cold, and the decor...well hideous! I had forgotten how much actually needed doing and i felt completely overwhelmed and not up to the task at all. The overpowering smell of dog didn't help either.

So i went off to Asda and bought nutradol and scented candles. This has helped a great deal. Sunday, Darren and Linds came ot look around. Both are practical, and assured me that the small patch of damp could be dealt with, and that i would soon get a new kitchen.

Things are all slowly coming together, i have so many people to notify, but it's getting there.

Hey, the town i live in is the 8th best place to live if you don't want to get divorced...

I have now exchanged and i am close to completion. My only worry is that the solictor didn't take all my deposit money, but i am going to get a bankers draft for the amount that he requested...

I've also been having chats with James, and i've decided that i'm going to find and alpha course (because i don't do enough, ha ha).

I've also decided that i really need to take much betetr care of myself, i look a wreck and am in need of a break. I want to do some pampering things this weekend, but am a little bit limited because my car needs to go in, to have the lock looked at. It'll probably cost a bomb, but a car that can't be locked? Not a good idea!

I also want to buy some new moisturiser, my face is quite stressed and sore...it (and i!) need soothing.

I had an ok day yesterday, my vendors went into sign (which means i'm one step closer to exchanging), but i got home to find a nasty letter from the solicitors about that car accident i had way back in July. I was hysterical, but spoke to direct line who said that i shouldn't worry and that tomorrow (todya) they would sort it. And i had a phone call today to say that it was sorted. Thank goodness.

Life is getting far to stressfull.

But at least something good came of it. I asked for help from God, and he gave it to me.

And direct line are completely fab, highly recommended by me.

i have now until the 14th to exchange before the previous medical becomes invalid. Please send your prayers and good thoughts so that it can be done by then....if not, it's over. Oh the delights of being ill and getting help, and then being punished for that!

i was going to post some happy news - my vendors are due to sing on Thursday. But as is usual with me, i came home to some bad news. My medical report for the mortgage protection has now expired and i have to resubmit. Because i am ill, this can take weeks. It really does look as if my dream is finally over, because i am not comfortable buying a house without it. I work in IT and it's a necessity.

Please, why does this keep happening to me?

Friday night i went to the singles night at the art gallery. I enjoyed catching up with some of the people who went ont he Prague trip, but i didn't meet Mr Right, or even Mr Wrong. I will defianately go back and take a look at the Minoans exhibition though.

Saturday i went with my mum and my sister to the festive gift fair at the NEC. I didn't buy anything this time, but mum bought me a shopaholic necklace - very appropriate for me!

Saturday night was the birthday bash part one, for some of my spice friends. I gave one a lift, which worked out well since she could navigate and i could drive (the bash was in Wolves, which i don't know at all). I enjoyed it up to a point. A point where some bloke i ddin't know out his arm around me when iw as looking in a different direction. It completed frightened me and i had a panic attack, which i controlled for a bit, but by them i was so shaken that i just wanted to go home. But, i was too frightened to walk out alone. Very kindly one of my friends (the boyfriend of one of the birthday people) walked me to my car, i felt bad because he had to queue to get back in again, but i also felt so grateful. I am lucky to have good friends.

Sunday i was back to doing my three classes at the gym, then onto The Fort for some unsuccessful coat buying and then home to play Herdy Gerdy.

Monday, well that's today, i was back at the doctors. Talking about my fears, i dislike talking and thinking about them, but they were so clear in my mind after Saturday night...i know that the reality wasn't bad, but my imagination makes things seem worse...

I am really feeling quite blue. no house, and i went clothes shopping last night. No trousers fitted properly, and i felt so fat and uncomfortable. I spotted a few long coats that i liked, but i was wearing grey, purple and black so the coats looked horrible when i put them on. Generally a bad day.

Things are still not looking good on teh house front. I keep being told..next week...still. But still nothing. I was told to push my solicitor to push the other ones along to exchange, and mine basically said that nothing was ready.

I am almost in tears because i now HAVE to move.

I have been so unbelievably busy at work, and been on call so much...but i'm back and less tired. I also made the decision to join the OU and do a level 1 course. I figure that even if i don't get all the way to doing a degree, this course will help me with critical thinking and analysis....which would be useful skills to learn and improve regardless. I should hopefully get my registration form next week, in which i need to fill in some more details. But i think i'll do this. Yes i'm taking on a lot, but i need something more to tax more brain.

I could also do with some prayers/postive thougths abotu the house. Once again, things are going wrong...

have been so busy at work, that i simply haven't had time to write. So, what to tell? I'm tired because i'm all call all the time due to Ramadan. Which is ok, but when work then makes me feel bad because i don't want to work Sundays...well it's grates somewhat.

I had another date last night, but whilst the guy was nice there was no passion...

Not feeling too good, but i'll give a quick update. I got thepackage, apparently they hadn't delivered it after all...so i picked it up fromt he sorting office. Tyhe actual radio isa little flmisyer than i had imagined, but it's cheap enough that if mum gets dirt or water on it (she wants it for user int eh garden), it wouldn't be the end of the world if it broke..

Ooh - i'm going to the cinema tonight. I'm going to see XXX, whcih i don't really want to see, but since i've been invited by two spice members, i thought i would go! I like them both, so it'll be nice to see them, plus i'm also going to Prague with spice with them, so it'll be good to get to know them better before the trip

I ordered my mum's christmas present last week, i was a little nervous about ordering from an on-line company, and yes it has gone wrong. No it isn't their fault though. According to Royal Mail (the on-line company correctly used recorded delivery) it was delivered to my house. But i never got it. I have now raised a complaint, and they will investigate.

I had a reasonable spinning session last night, and tonight it's combat. Normally i would be looking forward to it, but instead of Yvonne taking it...it's Mad Madge. Because i cannot run for long i tend to power walk during the cooldown period, but the last time i had a class with Madge she said everyone had to run and no-one was to overtake...so i basically held everyone up. It was very embrassing...i wonder if i shoudl have a word with her beforehand...

Next week we are having a team night out to TGI Fridays...a nice bit of Salmon for me please!

I'm also thinking about doing a jewellery making weekend. I loved the course i did in Chesterfield, but can remember so little of it now.

Went shopping last night, this time to Dorothy Perkins, and found a very cute top. Twenty pounds, and since it's black it will go nicely with any of my black trousers. It also has a matching skirt, but i'm not sure about it because of my stomach. I'll decide come November.

Had my appointment with the psych this morning. I think i have abandonment issues...

I had a good visit with my grandparents, and came back with another new hand knitted scarf! It's a pale creamy colour, and will keep my neck lovely and warm in the wintery cold months ahead. I also discovered that my grandparents, when they were first married, took in a family of evacuees! I had no idea.

After visiting them, i stopped off at Fosse Park, i was pleasantly surprised to find that i could make the journey to Fosse park in around 35 minutes, and although it doesn't have as many shops and Merry Hill, it certainly had a good selection, and is a much easier journey than the trip to Merry Hill. I may end up going there again when Christmas looms (or maybe afterwards, since i had a great deal of trouble finding a car parking space!).

Friday night i nipped into Wallis and tried on a red dress that i have had my eye on. The sort of xmas party dress i have dreamed off. Apart from being about 6 inches too long, it was nice. But not for me. The red did not look good with my pinky/white skin tone and the dress itself emphasised that i have an "ample bosom"(as it were) and a huge stomach. I think that i may end up buying a nice top instead and wearing it with trousers. At least i can wear the top with other things, and end up saving myself about 50 quid!

So what did i buy? Well i bought a new black top from Marks (reduced from 14 pounds to 8 pounds) and a grey top with a star logo (reduced from 16 pounds to 10 pounds).

I also bought a new fleece from Tescos, which i know i will need as the weather gets colder, and my old fleece is now too ratty to look nice.

I took an alternative route to work because of this. Awful stuff. It meant that i took A roads into work, and that i got a little lost, but i enjoyed the beautiful warwickshire countryside and had a little envy at the old-fashioned houses.

OK back to your regular programming for a Friday

1. How many TVs do you have in your home?

I'll pretend that i'm n my own house and say 1.

2. On average, how much TV do you watch in a week?

I tape a couple of hours a day, but i watch more at weekends. Maybe 20 hours or so?? Probably a bit less

3. Do you feel that television is bad for young children?

Not necessarily.

4. What TV shows do you absolutely HAVE to watch, and if you miss them, you're heartbroken?

I LOVE CSI. Although at the moment it's repeats, so i wouldn't be heartbroken. I've missed some Angels episodes and not missed out. Probably Buffy? Maybe Farscape (but only because if i missed it i would struggle to understand what was going on afterwards). Most of the rest are DIY shows, so it doesn't matter, or short lived series' like Fat Friends.

5. If you had the power to create your own television network, what would your line-up look like?

Some comedy, some sci fi, Millennium...

I've seen the dress that i want to wear for the christmas season. No on-line pictures i'm afraid, but it's red! Thisis a huge departure for me who normally wears black all the time. It's also 60 quid, which is quite a lot fo money, so i'm looking around for cheaper alternatives... I also haven't tried it on yet, so i don't know how good a fit it is, or fat it'l make me look!

well, i have arranged to go and visit my grandparents on Saturday. One good thing about not seeing them for a while is that i have so much to tell them! All about the house and skiing. And i will get to see their new car. I think that they do understand that my weekends are precious, but they won't be around for ever and with them gone, it'll be my last link with my dad gone forever.

I had a good eveningm followed by a lousy one.

I have a good spinning class, and then a one to one here i discovered that i had lost a little weight and (more importantly) had managed to lower my resting heartrate - especially impressive since i had done the spinning class beforehand.

I maybe fat, but according to living well's statistics my fitness is actually rated as "excellent".

Then i swam home in my car, and got called. As i raced upstairs i was screamed at by my sister for not stopping to speak to my mum...i spent most of the rest of the evening in tears uncomforted. After all, i was only trying to do my job, and what mum needed to tell me (about the shower) i didn't need to know until this morning). Of course, mum wouldn't tell my sister off for screaming at me, and when i caugh her alone and said that i thought that we needed to sort out what the problem was...she just walked away.

It reminds me of the old times when dad was alive. Oh how i miss him. My sister is my mums favourite, and i was my dads, and thigns feel lopsided without him.

I think that maybe this sunday i should go and visit my grandparents.

The cheer myself up i decided to look through the world of froud website; their creativity always astounds me.

I really can't wait to move. No more screaming or shouting...only peace.

Well hey. I saw an advert for GSOH magazine in select (those in the Birmingham area will probably know Select), and looked for it in the shops yesterday. couldn't find it, so rang up the distributer to ask where i could find it. It was actually the publishers that i spoke to who told me that there had been a problem, but it should be out in the shops this week. He started talking about it (quite excitedly!) and said that he would pop a subscription form in the post for me and...would i like some free tickets to the launch party?

Yes, that would be lovely, says i! Sadly it clashes with TH2 next month, but all we are doing is going to a pub, so i don't feel too badly about it.

Now, if they turn up i will be delighted. Apparently it's at someplace called Bamboo, which i have never heard of. But i think it would be good to go out there and experience something new.

Anyone want my other ticket?

So i was fed up and feeling single, so i decided to be proactive. Ok so around 7 blokes have rejected my profile...so i sent out another one. This time to a guy 10 years older than i, but i think if they guys my own age don't want to know, maybei should look for someone a little older.

a work colleague announced his whirlwind engagement today. I am happy for him, but still that little green monster lurks...

I sent off my profile to two more blokes and got rejected by them...

Friday five!

1. If you could only choose 1 cd to ever listen to again, what would it be?

This is a tricky one. But probably "Mumurs" by REM. I could spend a lifetime trying to figure it out!

2. If you could only choose 2 movies to watch ever again, what would they be?

This is a much harder question to answer. My favourite film is "charade" but would i get bored...i don't know...and maybe "The Princess Bride" because it's so funny and sweet.

3. If you could only choose 3 books to read ever again, what would they be?

I would find this extremely hard. You can see how much i read by looking on the right of this page! I would probably go for "pride and prejudice","Gaudy night","Crystal singer" (for some trashy light reading)

4. If you could only choose 4 things to eat or drink ever again, what would they be?

This just gets harder and harder. How about jacket potatoes, water, cheese and bananas?

5. If you could only choose 5 people to ever be/talk/associate/whatever with ever again, who would they be?

Lindsay (easily my best friend), Steve (my best male friend), Sally, Piney and Lizzzie.

Had a call from my solicitor to say that i am definately not going to close on the 18th. I rang up Dixons who calmed me down a little saying that everything was going through. I also have to remember that my vendors do have other places to go to. Yes, it may not be in the next week, but if i remember to keep breathing calming, it'll happen.

I'm also going to phone the estate agents next week (Monday) and see if there are any updates, or further news.

I finished "i was a teenage fairy" last night. I can't say that i found it witty, smart or modern. It was pretentious (and swearing doesn't make you cool or smart). I cared little for any of the characters (except Griffin)...

ok weight is going up and up again. From going to my lowest almost back up to my highest. And i went spinning last night, too. It's because this week i just don't seem to be able to stop eating. Nothing seems to fill me up.

Yesterday morning i was down to my lowest weight in a long while, but i just ate and ate and ate yesterday and it went back on again. Fortunately only one pound up...

My website realyl does need redoing - but i'm just too damn lazy. Maybe when i move house i'll borrow someones digicam and get some pictures of it.

I probably didn't realy write much about my trip to London. Well my train was on time (both ways) and i managed to get buses to shepherds bush on the Wednesday. The area was quite run down, and i didn't feel very safe, so i was glad that i decided to stay close by it so i didn't have to walk around the area on my own late at night.

The concert was packed out. I had my excellent seats, but ther were people standing at the back of the auditorium (by the bar and behind the mixing desk). I guess the MOBO award meant more publicity and more people wanting to see her. The concert was excellent,, with many songs from the album and some other covers as well as some new songs. They all sounded great.

I spent the night in a slightly dodgy hotel, but i survived and enjoyed a good breakfast of toast (spread with nutella!), cereal, OJ and a lot of tea. It was worth the price.

Then i headed back to the main shopping areas and wandered around Oxford road and covent garden for ages. I arrived at Euston about an hour early, but my feet were just tired and blistered and i wanted to go home!

Fascinating fact - i know the Andy Salmon mentioned in this article... Sadly i didn't see it as i was fast asleep at the time!

Oh my goodness i nearly forgot the Friday five!

1. What size shoe do you wear?

I wear a UK size 13.5, yes i know that's very small. I generally wear a size 1 because few manufacturers make half sizes anymore.

2. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Far too many! I reckon about 20.

3. What type of shoe do you prefer (boots, sneakers, pumps, etc.)?

Something really pretty, a strappy sandal.

4. Describe your favorite pair of shoes. Why are they your favorite?

The sketchers trainers i'm wearing right now which are comfy and well worn in

5. What's the most you've spent on one pair of shoes?

80 pounds. Which doesn't sound a lot, but remember i buy childrens shoes which are cheaper because there is no VAT on them.

Hallo! I'm back after spending two days in scary London seeing Norah Jones. The concert was packed out, and i think it was because she one best Jazz act at the Mobo awards (but i didn't know this at the time). I had FAB seats, row c and the person in front of me didn't turn up. Oh how i wish that i had taken my camera...she played many from the album and some new songs which had a lovely country jazzy feel to them. I hope they make the next album soon.

The hotel was slightly dodgy, with notices about "visitors", but it was warm and dry and gave me a decent breakfast and was only a short walk from the SBE, so i was pleased.

Well, it turns out that there was a fire, fortunately no-one was hurt!

My deposit money (well most of it) has now been put into the right account so all i need to do now is give a cheque to the solicitor. I even got more interest on it than i thought (90 quid instead of 30 quid), so that's an "extra" bit that i canput towards paying off something i owe straightaway.

Unfortunately my credit card agreement form hasn't been recieved yet, so i can't use that...oh well

The alert fire alarm is currently going off at work. I knwo have aheadache and wish that the evacuate one would go off so i could leave the noise behind!

I'm actually beginning to feel physically sick. I found a building society cheque book, so i can pay the deposit all by cheque now (although i just rang the solicitor and he wants a bankers draft, but that just isn't possible). The solicitor doesn't accept visa (as i thought) so i just have to start praying now that the pin number for my credit card comes through soon!

I've been having a very nice conversation about banks via email with reader Adrian. See, i do have the best readers!

I had a bit of a freak out last night. I found a message on my mobile phone from Friday from the estate agent wanting me to go to my solicitor and pay the deposit and sign things. My freak out was because it's going to take me a while to get the money because i'm away Wednesday and Thursday. And then i started panicking about paying the solicitors fees because i want to pay them via credit card, but i'm assuming that he won't accept that as a form of payment.

Since i've just ordered a new credit card, i don't have all the things i need for it yet (like cheque book or pin number), so i'm slightly panicking about having all that in time.

Since the thing that stresses me most is money, this is a very difficult time for me. I decided that i'm going to pay for the two holidays on credit card (spice accept it, so that's not a problem), the extra 200 quid for the deposit and this months mortgage i am ok with paying because i did a lot of hours (practically a whole weeks worth!) in August (or was it July, i lose track on when they pay overtime!).

The solicitors fees come to 1200 pounds, and i simply don't have that kind of money to hand, and i would rather put it on my credit card so that i can slowly pay it off. So i am hoping that either the solicitor does accept it, or that the pin comes through quickly so that i ca, withdraw it at a cash machine.

The same also holds true for my deposit which (when it is transfered into a current account) can be accessed via a visa debit card. I doubt he will take that so i either have to withdraw it all and put it into a current account which has a cheque book, or withdraw it in case and give the cash to the solicitor. Not very acceptable to me (and also may mean that i have to ask the building society in advance for it) since i don't want to walk around with several thousand pounds in my pocket. I don't know how that is going to work...

I didn't win the Guardian's best weblog, but then again although it's published through blogger it's definately a journal and not a blog. And i think i much prefer this to be a cult thing, my readers may be few but they are wonderful people!

Wow - how long has it been since i posted a Fridayfive?

1. What are your favorite ways to relax and unwind?

Good question. I love to read and listen to music. Driving along in the car singing at the top of my voice is very relaxing! I also enjoy playing on my playstation or computer, letting my imagination take me into a completely different place is good for helping me to forget worries and relax.


2. What do you do the moment you get home from work/school/errands?

I either try and go to the gym, or run myself a lovely warm bath and lie in it for ages reading a book.


3. What are your favorite aromatherapeutic smells?

Lavender and Freesia.


4. Do you feel more relaxed with a group of friends or hanging out by yourself?
I think it depends on the friends!


5. What is something that you feel is relaxing but most people don't?
Probably playing on my playstation!

I was at the gym last night when i saw an Old Edwardian. She blanked me completely...oh well. It starts to happen really when you are like me and don't exactly achieve what The School expected of you (ie i don't have a high powered Professional job, and i'm not not married). Still...

On the other hand though i got an email from James, he is also a Christian so i couldn't help wondering if this is yet another nudge

Despite all the money worries, i'm getting quite excited about moving into my own home...i'm also realising that i'm wanting everything now. I could only have that luxury if i was getting married, but since i'm not, i'm going to have to buy everything myself. But at least it means i'll get the look i want.

Did the earth move you you? I certainly felt it last night (around 5 minutes to 1am), because i don't live that far from the epicentre. It wasn't as strong as around there, naturally, but it lasted strongly for a fair few seconds and then a longer milder quake after that. It woke mum, my sister and myself up, but i didn't wake up during the aftershocks. We stared out of the windows to see if any lights came on down the street, but the neighbouring houses stayed dark.

My first thought was that someone had tried to ramraid the house. My second thought was...how? Since we have three cars on the drive, it would be pretty difficult to do that, and the back of the house is impossible to get in it. I then knew that it was an earthquake and waited for the shaking to stop.

I must have got to sleep after that, but i don't feel very rested.

I do, however, feel more in control of my spending. I put Ms Money on my PC and am starting to track what i spend. I think that this will be a really good way of making sure that i don't spend too much on crap, and that when i do want things i will have thought about it. Spending 40 pounds on magazines and cards each month is stupid. And i think doing it now, before i move house is a good start. I had hoped to have a littlt bit of savings, but i don't think that's likely now. At least i will have something though.

I think that a keep fault in my personality is control. I hate lack of it.

ARGH! I just found out that petrol near work is a penny cheaper. I don't believe it! I think that this Friday i will try and fill up a full tank on Leamington. Sure it's only a Penny, but when you spend as much on Petrol as i do...it adds up.

Oh dear - my money troubles have got slightly out of hand. I owe about 3k in the next 2 months. Mum is going to help me with 1 grand of it, but it's still a lot of money.

I do have some savings, and i feel happier about using the savings for part of what i owe (money for two holidays)..but i just don't like debt and i don't like owing so much money.

It's understandable given my family's history. And also understandable given that'll i'll be a single girl on my own (no one else to help out).

I know that i also have a bad habit of spending more than i really should. I have a copy of Ms Money and i have decided that i am going to keep a much closer track of everything. I've also made the first step into looking for better rates on my accounts by applying for a smile card. The rate is massively better than my HSBC one, and i should be able to get 0% rate for the first 6 months (need to transfer by the 30th though, but the guy on the helpline said that i had started my application "in good time") but even if i don't, the rate is still a lot better. And i get cash back too.

My next step, after moving, will be to change bank accounts. I definately need something with a better interest rate.

Actually doing something positive about debt makes me feel a lot better. I had a lot of ideas about things i wanted to buy for my house, but i think that they will wait. Yes, a widescreen telly would be lovely...but i have a good portable one. TIVO? I have a decent video recorder. Redecorating? It may not be to my taste, but it's got carpets and wall coverings.

I can and will cope, i'm young and resourceful.

So i met the guy. I thought that he was quite cute, but his politics...wel let's just say that he's riht of centre and was a member of an illegal political party at university. I don't think that i need to go into further details on that score. Plus, i didn't feel that there was a spark and whilst i am serious but do like to laugh, he didn't seem to find anything i said amusing. On to the next one i guess!

It seems like it has been a long time since i have update, but never fear my adorable ones, i am still here.

I have been busy, busy arranging a date for tonight with someone from club sirius (who is also a spice member), busy thinking about my faith and how i want to get more involved in the church again, busy fretting about where i am going to get the money from to pay for solictors...

On the savings front, i have decided that when i need to pay my deposit and solictors fees, i am going to close my nationwide savings account down. But i don't know where i am going to go to yet, i think i need to look around some more.

I am currently reading "passage" by Connie Willis. I am really enjoying this novel, so very different from TSNOTD and Doomsday Book, and i can see how some people might describe her main characters as simillar, i actually don't mind!

I had a completely rubbishy day yesterday; and i recognised the fact that part of that was down to me.

I can't be seen by the psych until January (good job i'm not suicidal, eh?) i felt piqued that one of my colleagues jupmed in and took my work...

My car went into be repaired today. I thought that it would take a day. Apparently it could take a week. This is not good, especially since i have a courtesy Ka, which i find extremely difficult to drive. Fortunately i don't have a busy weekend.

The most annoying thing is that i left some stuff in the car because i didn't realise how long it would take. Still it has given me the incentive to get it properly valeted when i get it back. It needs a damn good clean and damn the expense for once.

I probably haven't mentioned this before, but i've got addictded to tapng shows like Trading Up nd Big Strong Boys. WEll, i have to enjoy something now that C5 has taken Oprah off air.

Yes, i know it's truly sad but i think that even the coolest person has to have their nerdy side.

WEll...my lovely sister has got yellow paint over my lovely jacket. I am not impressed.

Of course if i cannot wash the paint out you can guarantee that my mum will insist that my sister does not have to pay for a new one.

On a brighter note, someone has seen my profile on Club sirius and is interested. Of course, he hasn't met me yet. I am a little nervous because of my weight, but i figure that even if he runs a mile it's still good practice.

Since the US are having a public holiday, i am hoping that it's going to be fairly quiet at work. Somehow i doubt it. Anyway, i'm on mornings this week so i am sitting quietly eating a banana and drinking a hot chocolate. The two go together extremely well. I've decided to change my pattern of eating because i am getting quite hungry mid morning, and this leads to bacon sandwiches which are lovely as a treat, but are doing me no good as a regular habit. So, instead of having a banana first thing, i'm having it when i get into work. I'll see how it, and my weight, goes.

Another change i have made is to bring in sandwiches. I've realised how much money i am wasting on canteen food, and if i am going to be paying a mortgage and paying for things like roof repointing (which the house needs according to the survey). Plus i splashed out a whopping 35 quid on an autumn coat. But my, it's cute. So cute that both my mum and sister have said it's lovely. It's a fake sheepskin (real ones, just like leather, really freak me out) but feels like the real thing. Lovely and soft and warm.

Some time later. Well my lunch was ok. But i felt the need to supplement it with crisps, choccie and a muffin. Not realyl the best choices, but there you go. I'm also off body pumping tonight.

I managed a lot better this month on the financial front. I am still spending too much on crap (quite frankly). I am really stopping buying books, and CD's; so my main habit now is magazines.

Last night i spent 15 quid in Smiths.

I'm still really busy at work, and since i write my journal at work in free moments...well it's sort of been neglected. I'm sorry! I can't even remember what i have and have not mentioned.

I'm pretty sure i mentioned the house in Castle Vale, and me joining Club Sirius. Sadly i think that's actually it! I've been so busy at work that the only other thing i have done is go to the gym!

And eat...not doing too well on that front. I manage ok and get down to a reasonable weight over the weekend and then as soon as monday swigns around i'm back up high again. Don't really understand that. But i have done my gym programme twice this week, tonight i'll give it a rest and i might try and get back for yoga tomorrow night. If not, i'll do the plan again.

I have been one busy girl. But i'm ok. I'm quite stressed at work, and working long hours. But i feel that right now (what with buying a house!) that a job is a pretty good thing to have.

I joined Club Sirius and have received my magazine. I've spotted a few young men that i would like to find out a bit more about, but my own profile is not ready yet so i'll have to wait a little longer.

I have THE best readers.

General consensus is that i got the letter to frighten me. All i need to do is forward it onto the insurers who will deal with it. Hurrah! I can sleep easy again. I tell you with the stress of moving house and the constant stress of work, this was probably the last thing that i needed!

I need some advice. Remeber i had an accident about a month ago? Well i got a letter from the 3rd party's solictors saying that they were going to claim damages for negligence, and that despite me checking that the other party was ok they now say that they had injuries as a result. Of course i am sick with worry that this is going to mean criminal stuff and courts and huge sums of money. I suppose the only good things was that the letter didn't mention wanting my solictors name, only my insurers.

Does anyone know what this means? The guy at the insurance claim line said he didn't think he woudl get to that, but i would have to contact their legal department to get more information. Oddly, they didn't go straight to the insurers.

Why does everything in my life go wrong? I wish i could have a year with things going swimmingly...

I hate getting spam bombed. What's worse i decided i one swoop to simply delete everything in my junk mail folder. Forgetting, of course, that there might have been some legitimate emails in there. But 7 pages of crap just killed my inbox. Just what i didn't need after working late last night.

Yesterday morning i was at my lowest weight for a logn while. Yesterday evening i had shot back to my highest weight for a long while. As a result, this morning i weigh more than i have done in over a month. How? I dunno! I wish i could say that i had gone out and had a fabulous 3 course meal...but i just eat that same way i normally did...pity it's going to take me 3 weeks to get the weight right back down again...

I'm quite tired. I'm been on call this week and have been disturbed every night so far. This has also meant that i haven't been able to have a workout at the gym due to working! A bit annoying really. Next week i'm doing mornings, and the week after i'm back on call again. Come September i'm going to be dog tired. i'm tired already, and this isn't going to help.

I also have an interview on Tuesday with some woman from CLub Sirus...

I guess you could say that things are really changing for me. I finally gave in and joined Club Sirius. Of course, i am aware that as a woman the amount of men for me to choose to meet is very limited. For some reason there are far more single women than men, can anyone explain that. But at least by joining i am actively doing something and not sitting at home alone just dreaming. Of course, not everyone chooses to have their profile on the website...or maybe there just are few single men my age!

At least i'm in a better position than some of the girls at work. They have a lot more pressure from their families, indeed one of them had her chart read out in India which said that she had (basically, since i can't remember the word for it and don't know any of the Asian languages my colleagues speak) bad karma that meant that she was unable to attract a bloke. Her dad has bought her a special ring which she is supposed to wear to get rid of the negativity. She wasn't very impressed by this at all!

Well, So far so good. My offer for the house on the Vale has been accepted at 68,500. I think it's reasonable considering they are leaving things like the cooker, and the carpets and light fittings. Yes, it's on the Vale, but i've lived in Salford and i think that Salford is probably worse. No offense to Salfordians, but some parts are very rough (and not hospitable to students)

Ray (the estate agent) told me that the women whose house i wanted has told him to come back in 4 weeks time. I'm not waiting that long, and he agreed that the best thing was to go out looking again.

So i did. And i looked around a very sweet house on the Vale (those of you who are from Birmingham will no doubt have hear dof this area!). I have put an offer in, and the estate agent is confident that it will be accepted. I think that i will write more about it when it is. Not, of course, that that means that it will all go according to plan...

I am disheartened again. Have just rang around all the estate agents and they have nothing. Literally nothing at all. I hope this women finds herself unable to sell now. Does she realise how she has ruined my life?

Saturday morning was firstly spent in the studio practising sketching. I draw a still life (very badly) of a wine bottle and a teapot. The bottle wasn't too bad, but the teapot looked a little odd! I enjoyed shading though. Next i braved the outdoors and sat down on my waterproof picnic rug and drew the outside of the stone farm building. It was about practising perspective and it came out quite well. Then i drew a tree and went indoors again and drew some views from the studio window. This was my favourite part. I drew a lovely stone wall with plants and flowers in ink pen, and did some shading my using a damp paint brush.

Then it was time for a lunch, which consisted of a roll and some crisps. This was just enough after the cooked breakfast! Spurred on by another cup of tea with started using some pastels. I produced another view of the stone wall, which had a lot of energy (scribbly!).

Before the evening meal i did my first watercolour. It was a copy of a picture of a lake and was all in one colour, but using different tones. It came out quite well.

Then it was time for tea; didn't time fly!

house update: my suspicions were correct. The estate agent had spoken to her, so when she said that he hadn't she was lying. She is now rethinking selling her property, which is fine for her. But not for me when i've already spent 200 quid on a survey which hasn't actually been done. I am quite cross really, since she has allowed it to go so far. At least i know that i wasn't just being paranoid, and that my gut feeling that she had guilt all over her face was correct. It's really upsetting on my part, and the estate agent (my mate Ray) has suggested that i start viewings again. This is a sensible suggestion, but not a good one since it means i'm back into fighting over property. I don't have extra money to place higher offers.

I'm just generally feeling annoyed about the whole thing.

I won't know anymore about the house until Wednesday at the earliest. Please keep me in your good thoughts that my fears are just my imagination.

I haven't yet written about my weekend in Wales painting and drawing. I made fairly good time to Lluest Fach and was very glad that at around 9pm it was slight light so that i had no problems getting out of my car and opening the farm gates and avoiding the wondering cows.

It was an old smallholding and barn which has been converted into a house, with enough room to sleep twenty people, and a little holiday cottage. There were only about 10 of us, so i got a lower bunk in my bedroom. The building had a lovely rambling cottagey feel to it, and had a wonderful snug lounge. I had a little wine and many slices of a gluten-free flapjack.

I rolled into bed and fell asleep.

And then the weekend began in earnest.

Short update; went to review the house and the owner had all the curtains closed and denied all knowledge of the meeting...i knew things were too good to be true. I'm sitting at home crying that once again my dream of freedom and escape is over. I'll ring the estate agent tomorrow, but i know that the person dealing with it isn't working then. When will this all be over and the joyful life begin?

The rest of that first week went in a blur, between going to the bank and paying off bills...fortunately Friday meant that i was off to Wales.

Well Heather was great. I knew very few of her songs, but she was a great performer (not much between song banter though), Support was from Merz (not good) and Sandy Dillon (good, looks ickle but has an interesting gravelly voice).
And that was Tuesday.

So much for not spending. I managed to get into another car accident on my way to see Heather Nova in concert. I am so poor. So poor that i will have to raid my ISA this week so that i can afford to pay solictors fees and surveyors fees. I'm not sure that i'm going to manage very well financially...

I'm on holiday for the next two weeks, so these entries may be more sporadic than usual. To keep you up to date. My bank has decided that it would be best if my account was closed and a new one created. This is causing me several different kinds of hassle, especially since i put an offer on a house today! All the paperwork will need to be redone.

The house is nice. It's a good size and needs little doing on the inside (the garden needs doing, but that doesn't bother me). It's 70k, so i will have to increase my mortgage. I'm going to counter that my decreasing the ammount i pay into the employee share scheme. So that doesn't bother me. The location is not the best for me, but truth is i couldn't afford anything decent in the corridor that i wanted. This will add a little onto my journey, but it's a reasonable area. And quiet, too. I hope that this goes through.

I'm also running out of money this month. I don't know how it happened. Well i do, i had my car serviced today and had to pay 450 for it. This leaves me with, literally, a couple of hundred pounds. Now, this wouldn't be a problem, but i am going on this drawing and painting weekend, and i need to pay for petrol and art supplies. I think, and i usually try and avoid this, that some is going to have to go on credit cards. I have debt.

Which is one reason who my stomach is churning over the thought of the mortgage...As a single person it's very risky...

But i need to do it. And i do have savings, so i can use those if it all gets too much this month.

My car did need the things on it, i knew that the brake pads needed replacing...

I'll try and say that next month i will restrain my spending (which i thought i was doing this month, but apparently not) but if i have solicitors fees to pay...i do worry that buying this house will put a big strain on me financially. But on the other hand, it could be the impetus i need to really think about properly budgeting instead of closing my eyes and wishing. I toy with the idea of setting up another account to put money into for all those things that i know i will spend money on during the month (petrol, food) and then simply stick to it. The money in the other account...damn it's a bad idea. Like i really need one more account number for my faltering memory to retain.

I am so lucky that i have these things to worry over.

One of the things that worries me most is my switch card. I can't cope without it! Ok, that sounds like histrionics, but it's true. I rarely carry money around, and feel much more comfortable paying for things with switch. Plus, of course, if i can't use my card i can't get money out of the cash machine. And since i work long hours i need to use the cash machine because the damn banks aren't open when i'm free. Good job i'm off and can get to banks.

I know that this is being done for my benefit, but it's damned annoying.

Know doubt i will be full of more negativity after i attempt to open my new account tomorrow...

I wrote a long whingey entry yesterday...

Then accidentally deleted it. Maybe it was for the best?

You know what really annoys me about Big Brother. Those two (Alex and Tim) who think that they are very clever, and indeed more intelligent than the rest. Why? Because they have "better" jobs, and because they don't want to engage in small talk. Being a model isn't a better job than being a Dental Nurse. And piffling can be extremely intelligent.

House viewing. The first house, the more expensive one, was ok. I put an offer in on it, although there is one higher. I'm not sure that i really loved it though. The second one...well there was no-one home!

I'm going to a viewing tomorrow night (on call not withstanding)

I nearly feel like crying this morning. The estate agent basically said that finding soemwhere for 65k was unrealistic. I feel like my dreams of freedom are just being slapped away. Yes, i'm sure it's unrealistic, but it's all i can afford. Oh, then the estate agent suggested getting more mortgage, but the amount i would take on at the moment is just about manageable, and when interest rates rise (which they will) i will still be able to manage.

But in my new spirit of trying to keep positive, i rang up a different estate agent and got some more details. Two houses matched my price range (between 1 and 2k than the flat, but i can raise that much extra), and both seem to be in a decent location. I don't know what the area is like, but it's not far from where the flat is. The first house just had a sale fall through, so this could be ideal since i am so willing to move. I have one viewing arranged for tomorrow (for the second house) and i'm hoping that a viewing for the other one canbe arranged for tomorrow too.

They could be just what i needed. Mum doesn't think i should get something with a garden (too much to maintain).

I did got to the WM course, all about pressures this week. One is very apt for me, it's the pressure of fear. I do feel fear about eating, partly because i don't feel in control about food and eating and stopping eating. I know that previously i have arranged meals and then just not turned up. But it's changing slowly.

What i actually meant to write was thati got a suprise at the gym! For the month of June i have been voted member of the month! I was quite shocked, but delighted. I get to have my photo on the wall in the gym, and i also received (which i didn't know about either) 50 pounds worth of vouchers to spend at Sensory (living well's beauty rooms). Apparently the personal trainer that i rather like nominated me and Bev (who runs the WM course) decided to back me up. I know that she had nominated another WMer (although someone who had done the course earlier), but she decided to go for me! I think it's to do with my cheery nature when i'm going through pain during body Combat!

It was rather embarassing in a way because i haven't been feeling particularly motivated and haven't really been going; although i have kept up my classes so i haven't been entirely sitting still. I know that this is a great boost for me, and will definately get me to go back there now.

Although not tonight, tonight i am going ice skating with TH2. Last nights class was spinning, so i'm nto sure that i would have actually been able to go to the gym and sit in the bike this evening anyway! Spinning was good, very tiring and i was glad that Bev just did a 30 minute class, i think i would have really struggled to do a full hour. They are going to be a doing a regular beginners class when the new programme is launched in September, and i might see if it's possible to do it.

I am sick again. I've caught a cold off someone at work. I was lazy and didn't go the gym yesterday, but i think that it was for the best since i could barely swallow this morning without it hurting and i feel achy and my head is a bit swimmy. I also had a killer headache yesterday, which has returned with a vengance today.

OK so it's an excuse, i'm just not in a gym mood at the moment. I have bought my kit for this evening though (since it's a Wednesday it's WM course night), so i guess i will do that.

I've just been looking at the afflecks palace website. It's been a long time since i shopped there...

I drove round to the 70k maisonette last night. It's in a a quietish area, but i would really need to be about 5k cheaper. And you know something? I don't see that happening. not given the climate. so i will continue to wait, and hope that maybe something will come from the estate agent i spoke to yesterday.

Either that, or i win prize money of 10k tomorrow...

I'm even thinking about brookvale village, which is a little further than i would like to be. Ok, a lot further.

I'm on the journals list and Al's question gave me a lot of pause for thought:What's the greatest compliment anyone ever gave you?

I have no idea.

I've given up hope that the vendor will sell. The estate agents are now changing their tune and actually said that he is looking for something that doesn't exist! They certainly didn't say that in May; i'm also not convinced that he is truly looking. So i'll be proactive again and look elsewhere, despite the housing prices going up and up with no sign of going down. I saw a house on the net that would be perfect, but it's sold. However the estate agent said that he's valuating some houses on the next road (ie basically the same kind of property) and will give me a ring back. I might even go and see the estate agent next Saturday if i hear nothing. The properties are maisonettes (built in the same style to the one Lindsay used to live in, ie decent size), and on-road parking. Mind you, that situation is a lot better than where lindsay lives now...it's so tough trying to park there! Please keep thinking positively that i will find somewhere...

I know i will get something, i just want it to be in a "nice" area, that i won't be frighten to come home to on dark, winter evenings. Quite understandable really.

The only thing that really makes my stomach tighten is the thoguth of buying and then the value plummeting and going into negative equity. I've been there with the house that Dad bought in my name...

Beauty and the beast - totally forgot to write about it. Not a full house, and the audience weren't quite into it (not much cheering or laughter at the "funny" bits). The acting was good, and so was the singing; i couldn't fault that at all. An i was both surprised and pleased to see Drew Varley as a member of the cast. Who he? Remember i used to watch my "cats" video all the time? Well he was Mungojerrie in it.

I broke down and bought something at the HMV sale. I grabbed a copy of Sait-Germain "Boulevard". I don't think it was quite what i was expected, but i think i like it. Oh for aplace of my own where i can sling on a cd an chill. Oh for a place to put a CD player at the moment!

Friday Five my kittens!


1. Where are you right now? At work. I'm doing some admin stuff that takes a long time to go through, and when it is chuggin away i can't do anything else.



2. What have you lost recently? Nothing that i can think of



3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? Does that embarrass you now? I honestly cannot remember! Quite possibly it was something by REM, in which case i'm not embarassed at all!



4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen? Good question. My curernt preferred tool is a black uniball gel pen. Nice and flowing.


5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? i do like the cookie dough stuff.

What is up with me? Yesterday morning i was at my lowest weight i had been for a couple of months. I ate less than ih ad on Monday and ended up last night weighing more than i had in months?? I feel lumpy and heavy today. I also didn't go to the gym because i had towork late. Soemtimes i realyl hate this lifestyle, but i also know that without a man it's the only job i could really do that would allow me to get my own place.

To cheer myself up i booked tickets to go and see Norah Jones in concert (in London!) in October! I got Row C tickets, which i am very pleased with. The tickets were 15 pounds, but the agency adds on about 4 quid for booking and postage. urgh.
But i am pleased that i booked it. I haven't been to a concert like that for so long. Lou doesn't seem to be doing much these days, and i think it's important for me to spread my wings further.

I wish Leona Naess would tour...

I had thought about going to the gym last night, but i woke up this morning and decided that i was glad i wasn't. I am in less pain this morning, and feel a lot fitter. I realyl do see little point in working out when you are already hurting. I won't be attending the WM lecture or class tomorrow because of beauty and the beast, so i will try and go to the gym tonight and possibly Friday night (i will do my usual BB class on Thursday).

Oh, i forgot to mention that i got the forged bank mandate sent to me. It was apparant that someone had seen my signature since it was simillar (i showed it to my mum and she thought it was mine!), but i could tell that it wasn't mine because two fo the characters were not quite right. Also the handwriting on the rest of the mandate clearly wasn't mine at all. I am very gratefull to HSBC for picking this up. I do actually check my bank statements, but i would have lost around 3oo pounds by the time the next one came through.

I guess that i can now say that i am "helping police with their enquries!". Although i do not think that the name on the account that the money was to go to will turn out to be a real person. Still, be identifying it, the ank can then be vigilant if their spot other mandates going to that account. And that means that i might possibly save other people from having money taken from their accounts.

I also forgot to mention that half way through snowboarding i had to break and go to the loo, and even after that i was still experiencing some stomach pains. Why?? OK, so i had a couple of meatballs the night before...but surely it wasn't enough?

(first of July - but blogger was down)
I think i'll go backwards. I saw a new psych guy this morning; he seemed to think that a lot of my reactions stem from a feeling a having no choices. He could well be right. He also felt that discovering this could be a way in, and he is willin g to take me on...but not until Sept at the earliest. Good job i'm not suicidal really!

Sunday i went snowboarding. It is so much harder than skiing, and i fell over. A lot. I also struggled with the boots, whivh were simply too big for me. So big that i could n fact pull my foot out of the boot when it was strapped onto the board. This also meant that when i tried to dig my toes in to slow down nothing happened because my feel come up inside my boot instead of it coming up with the whole boot and board. So instead of slowing down i would carry on going at the same speed which frightened me. The intstructor said that i had good technique though despite that, and i would have to think about buying my own boots to see if i could get better.

I might possibly wait until i have really improved the strength in my legs, i found it very tiring to sowboard becaise i have poor muscle tone. I also wasn't keen on going down backwards down a hill! But i tried it and kept on trying despite my boots; and that is what is most important to me, the ability to say i have at least tried!

Now i'm going to skip backwards to Friday. Well, i had my second one-to-one; i've lost weight (not according to my scales! but maybe i was having a really fat day!), lowered my blood pressure and i have reduced my under bust measurement. My hip waist ratio is the same, and i agree with that. It has made me feel more positive though. So positive that Saturday i went out and bought a pair of soft, pale blue jeans from Evans. They were 30 quid, but i know that i really did need a second pair of casual trousers. They are a little big, but i had a feeling that the size below would be uncomfortably tight.

Today one of the girls at work got delivered a huge bunch of flowers. So big i swear it was nearly taller than me! It wasn't welcome though...

I really, really need to cut down on my spending. I like to have an "extra" of one thousand pounds in my bank account at the end of each month. May(or was it April?) it was only 300 pounds, and this month it's 500 pounds. What more can i do?

I've not bought a single PSX game new so far (ok, so i only have 3), and most of those have been paid for with old games, so i'm only paying a few pounds. I will continue to do that. I know that i have a few expenses this month ;Steve is coming next weekend, and i'm taking him out to the Indus Tandoori, and the weekend after i am going for a meal and a trip to the cinema on both Friday and Saturday! nothing the weekend after that, and then i have the drawing and painting weekend.

I think that when i get the next spice newsletter, i may have to restrain myself, and perhaps just book the cinema. I will definately by myself a brochure for Beauty and the Beast on Wednesday.

Maybe i should not save the full 5 hundred this month? Although that said i know that i do need to get used to so much money going. Maybe i should start thinking about gettign rid of my "living etc" subscription? I will keep my glamour one, since i enjoy that magazine and would buy it anyway. And the subscription saves me money.

It's that day again

When was the last time you...


1. ...sent a handwritten letter? I started one when i was watching BB last night. I received a letter from spoon yesterday so decided to start my reply that same night. I meant to finish it, but didn't. Hopefully i will finish it tonight and post it tomorrow.


2. ...baked something from scratch or made something by hand? I rarely cook!


3. ...camped in a tent? GB/BB camp in July 1994 i think. Too long ago!


4. ...volunteered your time to church, school, or community? I think that i did several charity concerts when i was living in Chesterfield, so i guess that would have been in 1999.


5. ...helped a stranger? Don't remember, possibly givign directions to someone?

Some time later

I had a letter from the bank last night about a standing order. I thought it was odd because i didn't remember setting any up. So i rang the bank on the number the gave me in the letter. The customer service rep gave me the details and said that he was a little concerned by it. I told him that i didn't recognise the details and he said that it was most likely someone trying to commit fraud!

The chap i spoke to will be sending me out a copy of the standing order for me to verify, and if i agree that i didn't set it up then he will be contacting the police.

I have finally booked my first snowboarding lesson for Sunday morning...i am looking forward to it.

I bumped into those two former GB officers at the gym, they both seemed pleased that i am getting out an doing things. They mentioned that at my age i should be getting out and about. Maybe people were worried about my lack of social life.

Which reminds me that next month i should seriously think about booking to go and see Norah Jones in London. This is a quite a scary thing. I've been to concerts on my own, but this will be my first in London. Knowing my luck though, by the time i get my act together it will be sold out! It will also mean that i will probably have to stay overnight, which rather adds to the expense. But there is no way that she will play in the Midlands.

The more i read about the Rotters Club, the more i realise that it's based upon KES. Having gone to it's sister school (on the same site), and reading some of the reviews by former pupils who have described it as uncomfortably close to the truth i haven't felt a desire to read it.

Not that i was a terribly active participant in a lot of school life. I played several instruments and sang in several choirs...but i was never a music dosser. I wasn't sporty, or a good actress. The only lads i knew were those who were going out with my friends, or those who attended the school mixed CU.

And i'm not sure that i'm really ready to face that part of my past yet.

Not a bad weekend visiting Steve. I didn't get my playstation because steve found that mine had a dent in it. He sent it back to his friend to get it replaced, but she hasn't got me a new one yet. I try to trust his friends...but i don't because i don't know that. In the meantime i have his.

I put it together when i got home on Sunday and found that the supplied TV connector doesn't fit my TV. I got quite cross, but remembered that my PSX has the right one and fortunately they hadn't changed the end of the cable that goes into the console. I only have a portable TV, so it doesn't have anything fancy like s connections or scart.

Congratulations to the lovely Gilly (and Matt!) on their engagement.

I stomped off to the snowdome last night and spoke to someone in ski hire. they felt that there woudln't be a problem, adn that someone with size one feet had used the size 3 boots. I just need an extra pair of thick socks. She also said that the botos came up quite small, and that because they were the sort fo size that doesn't get much use, they wouldn't be as stretched as the larger sizes. I looked at the boot, and it did indeed seem to be a small fit. I couldn't try it on because i was weating mules (ie not socks) but i think i will give it a go. So that might be what i am doing next weekend...

I am getting panics about this weekend. I am going to visit Steve, btu part of the plan has changed. He forgot that it's his cousin's birthday and steve is going out, which means i will too. Unfortunately i still haven't go over my fear of crowds, especially crowds of men i don't know. I can feel my chest tightening already. I know that Steve understands, so i hope that it will go well. I do want to go down and visit. It also means that i have to stay over, and i am still anxious about that. I am just not comfortable with it. I don't know why...it's another of those irrational feelings that i have.

Some friday five.

1. Do you live in a house, an apartment or a condo?I live in my mums house.


2. Do you rent or own? Neither. But regular readers will remember that i am currently trying to buy a flat. Not with much success...


3. Does anyone else live with you? My mum.


4. How many times have you moved in your life? I have lived in Leicester (but i was too young to remember), three different houses in Sutton Coldfield. I lived in Warrington for a year, and Chesterfield for about 15 months. And then of course 3 different places when i was at uni.


5. What are your plans for this weekend? See above!

Want to know why the state of British music is so awful? Look no further than the very talented Nerina Pallot (who i have mentioned several times). She has a couple of moderately successful singles, and released an album which showed how much potential she has. She gets a support gig with Bryan Adams, which has the potential to introduce a lot of new fans to her music. What does her record company decide to do?

They delete her album. They also decide not to release a single for which the video has already been shot, and decide not to release another single which was recorded especially for this purpose (the song is not on the album).

Why? Well, my guess is that it is because it didn't shift as many copies as some of those pop idol crappy singles. But of course, if you are going to delete the album just after an artist has supported a major artist, what do you expect?

Im on call tonight, so i will probably miss the gym. I am aiming to go the fort and pick up some cd'rs for some angelfood i am doing, and looks at prices for mp3 players. Ok, so i'm not doing too well onthe money fron this month, but next month is nearly here. My discman does need replacing, and this could be a good answer.

The project that i work on has been cancelled. Understandably i am concerned about losing my job (again). I am doing my best not to worry, but it's hard. I am going to be learning a new system, btu whether this one will pick up i don't know. Maybe it's time i thought about teaching...

Damn, and i had booked prague and skiing too.

I tried ringing the snowdome again, and got through to a very rude person. They told me that the smallest size is now a 4! I left another VM with the ski hire manager, and hopefully he will get back to me today. I feel very frustrated by this, especially since the rude girl on the phone told me that i simply wouldn't be able to snowboard if they didn't have my size.

I am feeling quite low today.

But not so low that i did nothing. I know that there are other indoor snowboarding placec, and i phoned up milton keynes snozone who were not only polite on the phone, but had the information abotu the smallest sized boot quickly to hand. Ok i had to go on hold for 20 seconds, but they got me the answer i needed.

What was it? It's a size 1. Which means that whether i need the one, or a slightly larger 2, i am catered for! They do an 8 hour (!) snowboard in a day for only 100 pounds, which is probably what i would do, since i would have to travel a fair way to MK. Of course, if i hate it i'm there for 8 hours, which is actually a very long time. I am usually quite tired after an hour of skiing....but i want to learn to board. I could just go for the one hour lesson, although it does seem a long way to go for an hour! And then there is the problem that if i do like it, i still can't have further lessons at the snowdome. Maybe i should take a trip to the snowdome and try on some of the boots?

I didn't go to the gym last night, i didn't leave work until nearly 6:30pm, and i simply couldn't be bothered. I am going to make a real effort to leave work promptly today and go and do an hour. I still feel quite tired and achey, probably due to the cold i had last week, so i probably will take it fairly easy. Mind you i don't need to move fast to get the machine to tell me that i'm in the weight-lose zone.

It's weird, but since i've been on this WM course, i haven't felt like doing my gym plan much. I do the classes, so i guess that's enough. Mind you, June has been quite a topsy turvey month. I think July will be more settled.

Hmm, i was thinkign about snowboarding lessons at the snowdome, but i looked on the leaflet last night and noted that they don't give lessons to under 12's. This sent my panic signals off because i am not the size of 12 year old, i am smaller. I have just rung up to find out about the smallest size of snowboard boat that they hire out, and the woman on the enquiries line thinks that it is a 3 (i take a 1), she put me through the the hire manager, and i left a VM message. I hope that they do 2's, because i could probably get away with it. I hope that he rings back. I think i could probably fit a 3, but having never snowboarded i wouldn't know.

People don't think that being small has it's disadvantages, but here is one you can see. I try not to let my lack of height prevent me from doing anything, but sometimes it does.

I may end up trying in size 3's just for the hell of it. Plus i know that if i love it, it is possible to buy smaller size snowboarding boots.

and there i was, thinking about trying to save money. It's so ridiculous. I am seriously thinkin of writing to the Alvin Hall c/o the BBC for help! Still, only two weeks til payday.

It's good that i am saving so much. It'll help when i finally get my own place. The bills i think (including mortage) should come to around 500 quid a month, which is exactly what i am saving now. I now have 9 thousand pounds saved up. Which is extremely good. k of that is in an ISA, and would be better off not being touched for some time. The other 6k is in a very simple access account and can be used at any time. This is my deposit. I'll continue to save so that i have money for necessities like a fridge and a cooker (got to have those really!) and luxuries like a stereo system.

At the moment i play all my cd's through my PC. It isn't ideal at all. I know that i want something that i can put 3 cd's into and have them randomly play. a radio too, and maybe a tape deck. Two woudl be better so i can tape some of my jewel tapes for people..

I saw Spiderman yesterday. I had been looking forward to it, and was quite disappointed. The CGI stuff was fairly obvious, as were the stunt people! The story was fairly obvious, with no twists that were not loudly broadcast. I disliked the characters of Mary Jane and Harry. But i did think that Tobey Maguire was rather on the yummy side. Now, if he would only go for a woman his age instead of Nicole Kidman.

Saturday night (why am i working backwards?) i went to Jazz at the Waterworks with spice (and Liz). It was New Orleans style jazz, which was completely new to me, fun and with some fantastic dancing by the audience.

I spotted a rather nice spice bloke, and persuaded Liz to go and speak to him and his friend. Eventualyl i sauntered over and introduced myself. I had a chat with him, and he seemed very nice (his friend wouldn't talk much at all). Neither seemed particularly interested in the music, and left about 30 minutes before the end. I tried to talk him into coming to the cinema and meal evening next month. Let's hope he does so,my adorable kittens.

Friday night (told you i was going backwards!), i went for a cycle around wishaw after work. I stopped by St Chad's, and returned on Sunday for their Eucharist. It's a tiny church, with a small congregation. The Vicar seemed nice, but the congregation was mostly elderly with two younger women who both had children. Maybe some where staying away because it was Fathers Day? During my cycle ride i was reminded once again how fortunate i am to live within 10 minutes drive of the country (proper farming country), and how sad i would be when so much is destroyed because of the toll road.

I didn't feel like exercising last night, but before i went to the gym for the WM class, i stopped off home. I uploaded yesterdays entry, and made the decision that i was going to attend the body pump class after the WM class.

I now ache a lot. I bent less on my knee, which hurt a great deal less, and worked out reasonably hard (i am still not feeling 100% well, with a cough and a sore throat) which is proven by the fact that my arms and shoulders hurt today.

Tonight i miss my body balance class because it's TH2. We are going over to a new house owned by two of the members. It will be nice to see Lindsay and Darren again, and i get to pick up the photos that Darren took at Spoon's wedding.

On the money saving front, i am going to see Spiderman on Sunday (about 6 quid). Oh dear. Where's Alvin Hall when you need him?

I have been doing some reading of other people's journals. Mine is so dull...but at least i have worked through a few demons, and discovered a few things about myself. I am so much stronger than i ever thought i was. I guess that's just one of those things that you don't find out until you actually have to be strong.

And discovering that is worth more than a diarist award (although if you, my loyal readers want to nominate for some award or other...please do so!).

I was watching Oprah yesterday, and Celine Dion was on. Now, i will be the first person to admit that i really don't like her music, but i enjoyed watching the interview. She seemed like a natural, nice person.

Ok, for another revelation. I did a lot of thinking over the centreparcs weekend (one reason why i haven't written much about it) about my attitudes towards men.

I discovered that i don't trust them. I haven't been given much reason (apart from Steve) to do so. My dad lied and cheated and stole from me and my family. My first boyfriend didn't want to touch me, my last one wasn't really terribly touchy feely with me either. My second boyfriend only came to visit me once...i guess they all made me feel bad about myself through their apparant lack of caring.

I was attacked by someone in Spice, and none of my mal spice friends did anything about it. I was attacked on a bus coming home from school, and none of the strapping 6th form lads did anything about it.

Those are the sort of things that you can't just forget, or get over. The only way would be to meet a bloke who treated me with respect, and would be willing to stand up to anyone who hurt me. Sadly, there are few blokes like that in the world, at least as far as i have seen. I have a happy daydream that i meet one, and he likes me and it's all happily ever after.

But it's just a dream.

I'm feeling a little better today. I got home, and was tired and achy so i had a long bath instead of going to the gym. I played a little more half-life, which i am close to finishing. I know that i have used some of the walkthroughs a little too much (although i haven't been following it to the letter), but sometimes i get frustrated and like to get on. I am enjoying the game, and will probably play it again. I am also looking forward to getting my playstation, and playing on that.

I know that i need to stop spending again. I managed very well last month, but i seem to have gone a bit overboard in the two weeks that June has gone through so far! I should probably tell myself not to spend anymore than is necessary, and this will be difficult since i have 3 more weeks of June to go. And i am going to visit Steve. Hmm. Let's think!

I'm out this weekend (jazz club, but it's all paid for apart from the car park costs), next week i'm out with steve. The week after is the end of June, and i might splash out and go snowboarding...i know i shouldn't spend so much, but i'm young, free and single. I might as well live whilst i still have the time to do it!

I had a lovely long weekend away from work, and i didn't really want to go back. The accomodation at centreparcs wasn't that great, and i had a full on cold so felt dreadful.

But i did a bit of biking around the park, and a bit of dancing even though i was very tired. It wasn't the msot relaxing of holidays, but it gave me a change of scenery.
<>PI want to write more, but my head still hurts.

I am still angry over Derek, and how i remember that none of my friends spotted me in tears apart from one. How i wish i had a BF to go and sort him out. But that's ridiculous thinking. But then again, you have no idea how afraid i am of what might happen. Something worse.

I have a cold. I went to the gym Monday morning, Tuesday morning i woke up feeling no good, so decided to forgoe. Wednesday, at work, i felt worse. Today my cold is full on, but i actually feel better. Probably because of a decent night's sleep

I spoke with Kein-arn last night. He frightened me last year, but i am making a real effort to be nice and to put that all behind me.

Looking bck through my archives...i have absolutely NO recollection what this was about. I really don't remember planning a holiday with anyone! And i find my style of writing has changed so much. I was keeping so much inside, but my writing was flowery. Now it's plain, perhaps even dull. But it's more real.

It's just me.

Plus there is no bad poetry, and that's got to be a bonus.

I've changed so much. I stayed at home and comfort ate, and watched my "Cats" video. Now i go out a lot, although i do still comfort eat. I am becoming more open in some areas, and learning about others.

Fairly crappy bank holiday in retrospect. And i am so tired now that i was wibbling about the office. Roll on Friday and a lovely lie in. I am supposed to be going to centre parcs, but i'm not sure that i actually want to now. I was supposed to go until Monday, but i might return on Sunday evening and then have a nice lie in in my own bed. I'm getting my hair cut Monday afternoon, which is nice. Normally ihave to try and squeeze it in on a Saturday, so this is perfect.

I spent far too much this long weekend. My embargo on buying anything but necessities ended, and so i spent.

I bought a gypsy see-through top(white with a blue and green pattern on it) and a green linen skirt. This mean that i had to have new wedgy sandals to go with them. Coming to around 60 quid altogether, which i guess isn't too bad. I also brought a pink top for the gym (a fiver), but that was a necessity because one of my workout tops now has large holes in it.

The battery in my new watch went (at least i think it was the battery), so i spent a tenner on a new watch. I dislike being without one, and i knew that i couldn't get a new battery until Friday at the earliest.

But let's back up. Saturday night i went to Tiger Tiger with Spice. I had a good chat with a friend of a friend, and watched teo other friends get together. Not bad. Mind you, i had to put up with Derek (the guy who followed me into the ladies toilets, remember?) being there. I spotted him out the corner of my eye when he came and stood next to me (no doubt deliberately). Then he moved and began dancing with his girlfriend within eyeshot, but i continued to not look directly at him. I danced with a friend (steve r) and then derek and his girlfriend moved from my left side to my right side and both just stood and stared at me. I kept on merely catching glimpses of them out the corner of my eye as i danced and sang along to the music with steve. Eventually the couple left, possibly bored by the fact that i wasn't looking at him and rising to the bait.

I felt strong for staying and holding my ground and continuing to have fun. But i also feel angry that i have to put up with someone deliberately trying to get a rise out of me, or trying to make me feel bad. But there isn't much i can do, i can't tell the spice team that he stares at me, because that just sounds stupid.

But the staring when i am laughin and dancing with a friend makes me feel guilty that i am having a good time and that doing that...oh i don't know. I know that i did nothing wrong, and did nothing to encourage him to follow me into the toilets. What's worse is that he has a girlfriend and they both stare at me. Heaven only knows what he has told her.

It is like what Katy did at school...live it down

But it's harder when people tell me i should forget because then that seems that i am the guilty one, or that it is actually ok for strange blokes to put their paws all over you when you haven't assented.

If that's what is meant by running away from strange blokes then i am all for it. I would rather wait and meet a gentleman who treats a woman with respect.

But that's enough of that. Sunday i pootled around and went to the Snowdome to try and buy a jacket. They are doing the buy one get one free offer again! I am going to buy a snowboarding lesson and then get my ski stage 4 done!

Of course, i need to find the time to fit this all in. I think the thing i am most worried about centre parcs is that it is a go as you please holiday, and i prefer more structure (and won't be going in the waterpark because i can't see well enough not to get into trouble). But then again, a weekend of doing nothing but resting abd cycling might be just what i need.

Also, i am (and this is hard to admit) worried about going away and missing my favourite programmes over the weekend. I love CSI and i want to keep up with 24. Of course, if i leave Sunday, i won't actually miss 24.

Plus, of course, it means i get the whole of Monday as a holiday, without driving anywhere. A whole day to relax, and get my hair cut and feel pampered. Might even venture to ikea and buy some more magazine holders...

I am tired, not thinking straight

Not a good bank holiday. Little John the hamster made a sucessfull bid for freedom Monday night. Tuesday night my mum found him lying dead on the living room floor...

WEll i didn't get that walk because i was at work until 10pm. I have also spent most of the day trying to fix problems. I need a break.

Can you believe it? It's now the 3rd anniversary of Dad's death. How i wish he was here now.

My own web page is banned by the new proxy software. If only there actually was something exciting on it!

I'm on call tonight, i am loathe to go to the gym because i have this feeling i will be called out. But one of my colleagues reminded me that i could go for a walk. I would not be far from my house, i would get some much needed fresh air and sunshine, and get some exercise too. I live at the bottom of a hill (a gentle one) so i get a nice incline. I could even cycle, but i think that the suprise of the phone ringing might make me fall off!

I am really tired. And silly me is doing support tonigh, support Monday and Tuesday and doing Wednesay early and late. oops.

I forgot to mention ow i am doing with my not spending money. Well i did spend a little on Sunday,a new t-shirt from m&s. I thougth it was the same style as the other 5 black t-shirts i have from there, but it isn't. It's longer below both hip and stomach, which is an unflattering length on someone as short as me, and the shoulders seem bigger and baggier. I'm hoping that it will shrink a little when i wash it, and this will get rid of that problem.

Guilt has finally got the better of me. On the first night of the WM course i wasn't asked for payment, and it was only the next day that i realised this. And i have been continuing to not pay. Tonight though, i am going to go into the gym and leave three cheques. It's what i should have done 3 weeks ago. Yes, it's a fair bit of money, but i think that it will be worth it. And then the following three months i could save up and treat myself to a lovely lulu guiness handbag...completely impractical, but i love them.

I realised today that these people are toxic...i changed my indentifier on MSN from Princess Buttercup to "you have no power over me!" Clearly on a bit of a 80's vibe still. Tis person wanted to know why, i told her that i just changed it because. I also mentioned about the 80's film connection, and mentioned that no-one had noticed that yet! Her reply?

"prob got better hings tp think about."

Charming. Not really a very friendly comment. I am so much better off not giving someone like that so much power over me!

I released my first book into the wild yesterday , and it was picked up fairly quickly. No response yet, and i suppose i will probably never get one.

I had another email from club sirus. This time offering me membership at the price of 449. This is pretty tempting.. I try and save around 500 quid each month, and this would eat into it (if i save another 500 quid, i would be rather poor!). It also gives me an extra couple of days to think about it.

Should i? Shouldn't I?

I felt rather fat and frustrated last night. I decided not to go to the gym (a mistake in hindsight) and instead pissed around for 30 minutes in Smiths at The Fort. I couldn't find a ski magazine, or any books on skiing.

I felt fat and bloated and knew that i should have gone. But at least i had an early night and woke up feeling rested.

Less than a month and i can go to Steve's and pick up my PSX2. He is passing through on Thursday, but sadly i do not get home from work early enough to meet him and pick it up then. It's annoying ina small niggly way, because it would have been great to play it over the BH long weekend. I am quite restricted in what i can do because i am on call. Still, that's a very selfish attitude and i know it; which is why i am not bothering too much. It was kind of him to offer to drop it off anyway. I hope he either finds a new job soon, or makes a decision about what he wants to do.

Speaking of decisions (my god! that actually flowed!) i decided not to join club sirius at this point in time. i don't like being pressured into joining, and knew that i could find better ways to spend the money. So instead, i have decided to spend just under a hundred pounds and go on a painting and drawing weekend! After something one of my sistah's said about pottery, i have felt drawn to try and take that up again. Spice do have a sunday session, but it is on the same weekend as centre parcs. I spotted this weekend though, and felt that i had to book on it. I cannot draw, and am incredibly envious of people who can. Mind you, i was never taught how to draw, so is it any wonder that i cannot. Why do they not teach you the HOW in art class at school?

A weekend, which is aimed at beginners and improvers (i hope!) with both drawing and painting. I'm going to take off a week, and have this in the middle. Very relacing, and different to the way i would normally spend my time. Even though i know i do not have talent, i am quite excited about getting tuition, so that i can at least no longer be ashamed of my lack of skills.

I decided to actually take off two weeks. That's a lot for me, but i'm not planning on any other holidays this year, so i think it's time. Last two weeks in July should be lovely, and i can relax, perhaps continue house hunting, or do some much needed clearing out.

I'm still waiting to hear if i can have that much time off.

I met The leader of TH2 for lunch. It's so nice to get out and speak to someone non-work related.

I worked out that i get paid 2 pound an hour for working the bank holiday. And no time off in lieu. what an incentive. I get to miss two days of holiday, and get 15 quid for the pleasure. I feel like crying, because i am tired and do need holiday. An i will miss out on a load of fun, because i have to stuck at home checkin our incident tool every couple of hours.

I try and remind myself that it'll be 30 extra pounds, well actually about 25 quid after tax. I could buy a couple fo books with that, or a game for my new PSx2. But it still seems pretty crappy.

After all, i could earn more than that working 3 hours in MacDonalds...

I'm sure that there is something Karmic about this. After all, i have just booked a holiday, and since i work this one my holiday will be the fabbest ever.

Or some such crap.

What a busy Saturday i had. I had body combat in the morning, and then i rushed home to get changed for my stage 3 skiing at the snowdome. I was dreading having to use the tow rope, i had such trouble with it last time. But i grabbed a hold of it and made it up the slope the first time in one piece! And not just the first time, but every single time! I was so proud of myself. Am i stronger, or did i just get the knack? I didn't care! I felt so confident and strong. I knew that i skied well, and te instructor actualyl said i was excellent and could go onto stage 4. He probably said that to everyone, but i knew that i did well. I felt fearless, and had no wobbles. I cannot wait until i go on my ski trip next year. Sunday night I read through the spice newsletter with it in, and then looked up the First Choice brochure, and there was the resort and the hotel that i will be staying at. It seems great. This then led me on to looking at equipment. I do quite fancy a pair of cool ski shades, but sadly unless i buy contact lenses, that won't be happening. However, i was delighted to note that you can buy goggles which fit over normal glasses. They aren't much more expensive than normal ones. but they can wait to be bought. As can pants. I might try and buy a ski jacket soon though, and a bit of weight loss won't matter so much with a jcket as it might do with pants.

In the evening i went to Hack Green, and had a behind the scenes tour and a buffet. An interesting, and enjoyable evening out. Although it was a little late for me (my stop was just after midnight), and had been looking forward to an early night. Still, with the BH (which i am on call for), i should be able to get some extra rest.

Can you believe it? I left my purse at home today. Normally it wouldn't matter, but today...today i get petrol on my way home (because a full tank only lasts until Friday morning.). Fortunately my team leader has lent me a fiver so that i can get home! I can tell that it's going to be one of those days.

I'm having an internal debate about whether to join club sirius. I think i should, but the cost really puts me off. I can save money by paying it all upfront (549 quid) or i can pay 299 and then 29.99 a month. Both are for a year. I don't like having to pay more if can help it, but can i really afford to pay the full amount upfront? and then i look at the events, which seem to be around 50 quid on average.

Or i could just not go to most events, and perhaps occasionally attend one a quarter. I need to think more.

Well, i mentioned this to a "friend", who told me not to do it. Not merely because of the expense but because of my panic attacks and because (after being attacked) i don't like men who make me feel uncomfortable.

I felt hurt and tearful and it took my a few hours to think to myself why are you letting this person have so much power over you.I think it's part of that disease to please. I was definately brought up to be very polite and to look for approval.

Some of the people i have meet have been very nice, but others have not been so good for me. And the things they say abotu me have coloured other peoples opinions.

It's one of the self-purpetuating things really. I get left out, and so i get angry and hurt and frustrated. Which then means that people leave me out because they just see me as that person. and very rarely do people actually see beyond that. But i also know that my behaviour isn't normal. Well, it would be if i was teenager. I think i have suffered from arrested emotional development.

I had to be quite grownup as a teen(my sisterm being younger was treated differently) and because of the tensions at home i learned to be quiet and to fret. Now i don't have that anymore i think that my emotional side has gone back to the stage it was when that all started happening. I am gorwing slowly, but of course i have the problem that since i'm an adult and this is happening people do not have the same tolerance for it.

So instead of being supportive or teaching me how to act maturely, they ignore me or leave me. And the cycle continues because i have no-one to teach me.

I sent a long email to one of the people from sunday. I try to explain, without giving away too much. But i am slowly coming to the realisation that unless you've known me for a few years you won't appreciate the progress i've made.

He said about getting tired of me getting upset and leaving (although i only remember Sunday, because i don't count tiger tiger because that is only about me, not about other people treating me). I realised that that wasn't true friendship. Yes, straight-talking is beign true friends, but i also think that giving help and support after that straight talk is just as important a facet of real friendship. And one that i freely give.

I am lucky in that there are people out there who have known me for a while, and seen the changes that i have made and the progress that i have made. But i still get upset when i make new friends because they don't know me that well, and don't see how far i have come.

I already have to hide so much, and when i slip (as i do) and am then told that people get tired of it, it makes things so much worse. I consider myself lucky that i do have friends who see the difference in me, and that i found a group on women, on-line, who completely understand and do not judge at all, but just give support and strength (as i do in my turn). I remember this as positive.

Of course, it would be wonderful to have this same group of women to listen and to talk with irl.

Now, i regret sending the email, because i cannot remember what was in it...or whether it sounded too vituperative and not apologetic enough. Oh for the day when i can remember.

Then again, i must remember about real and true friendship. I have managed to make new friends, i can do it again. And i will take what i have learned from this experience. IE Don't get too close!

I know i take things too personally, but knowing it and actually working on correcting that is terribly difficult.