After pestering, Rawk, i got the feb/march rent money. I hate having to pester him... especially when i am now not getting any thing in return for having him stay here. I get no company, no help around the house...

I know i make things worse...so i am doing well with my positivity towards him. I have a strong feeling though that our agreed plan for Saturday won't happen.

I find it difficult to let go of blondie. He looks so sad at the moment, i just want to see him smile... but i persist in the face of all adversity.
"i'm not fobbiing u off cos a drink might be nice but i'm not in the mood to be social tonight. Another time maybe. If i change my mind i'll u know tho. x"

But i know it will all come to nothing.

And i am struggling with Rawk. Never being around sounds like the ideal lodger, but it wasn't what i expected or wanted. He clearly prefers to be with his ex, and i feel in the way if it is the three of us... but if i ask him politely if he would rather that i left the two of them together (as apparently i always should have done with Blondie and (dammit i can't remember his alias!) his on/off bf) this then upsets him. And Rawk's way of dealing with that is to ignore me. Which then upsets me, and we both feel awkward, uncomfortable and resentful. Which then leads to him staying away, and/or shutting himself in his room.

At present Rawk isn't replying to my texts, even though i have decided to take the attitude of now just only being smiley and positive... here will be my only refuge for feelings of any other kind.

I don't like feeling awkward and uncomfortable and resentful, so i am going to do what i can so that Rawk doesn't feel that way. I really think that a good night out would help... and previously he had agreed to do that this Saturday, but given his track record at turning up for things... i think it unlikely... which will then make me feel resentful.

He says he's my friend, and most of the time i believe that... but he has a lot of friends, most of whom he sees very ocassionally.

What i need is a friend who wouldn't mind seeing me on a regular basis.

It's the disruption and the not knowing when he's going to be here or not makes me... not upset, but upset in my mind...

I know he has one former friend that he says he no longer speaks to, and i guess that troubles me, too.

But above all, i know that in anything, i am the common denominator...

Things are a little better with Rawk. At least he has paid his rent now. The fact is, he likes his own company (well, when i say his own company he likes chatting to boys on the internet in his room). He likes ot be spontanous, and feels forced if he has to plan things. I like to plan, and have things to look forward to. I guess neither way is right and neither way is wrong.

The thing i most want to do now is go on holiday. I really want to go to Japan, and i know that Rawk wants to go to, but he has already said 'no'. It's one of those things that i feel that i really missed out on in my 20's, a girlie holiday in the sun... I don't want to go on my own, but i have no friends who would be willing or able to go... so i am trying to see.

I know that there are guided tours and the like, but i worry that i would feel intimidated and wouldn't speak to anyone, and i know that when i went on my own to Ireland i spoek to no-one for nearly two weeks.

But i have been brave. I have booked a ticket for V Fest and will be going by myself. I keep reminding myself that i am stronger than i know...

I still long for that deep, intimate connection with someone..