I think it's a fairly safe bet that no-one will wish me well for the funeral tomorrow, and no-one will want to support me or make sure i'm alright afterwards.

I know that i wasn't always the best friend i could have been to Blondie, but it was only after he rejected any of my offers of support, and told me i wasn't a friend. I miss his friendship, what ever it was, so much. I miss Orion making me laugh like crazy.

Blondie has said talk, and talk today - but i think it was all words.

I can't really remember how things were when i last wrote. Lots has change.d My grandma passed away. Orion and Blondie got back together.

All of which was inevitable. It's left me feeling very bereft though. As Orion promised that we would support me through and after the funeral, and of course since they are now back together i can't seem him anymore. Or talk to him. So i feel very lonely and adrift.

So Blondie won't talk to me and I can't talk to Orion. It feels pretty lonely.

On the other hand though, i am happy that they are back together and are happy. As i love them both and want them to be happy.

I long though for a true friend, sometime to share the happy times but be supportive in the sad times to. Selfish i know, but it's just what i feel.

Maybe i feel jealous that other people get to sleep around, and yet still be loved and wanted. I think it's true what i was always told...that no-one could ever love me.

Maybe it's better that i don't speak to either of them. I think that there is something about both that brings out the very worst in me, a side that i don't like. On the other hand they both have qualities that iwould like to have, and things to teach me to help me be a better person.

I do feel so terribly terribly lost and alone.

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Originally uploaded by smallkat

I guess this will never be repeated again. I was at a work leaving do last night. Blondie blanked me for most of the night. Mind you, he has his new best girl now. Weirdly for someone who didn't work work and personal to mix he managed to get the entire crowd of work people to The Gale and was talking quite openly about being gay, and his new best friend was talking to both Blondie's "housemate" and his mother. He seemed happy though - and maybe thats for the best. As for me...

Well Grandma died sometime on Thursday night and i am heartbroken. I feel as if i have no-one now. Abandoned. Orion went off the grid, and whilst Dave came around for a bit - it wasn't for long before he wanted to go. Maybe i do bring everyone down....