I really am beginning to get the impression that Rawk is avoiding me. I am not sure how i feel about it. On the one hand, i'm quite upset as there is no need. I wouldn't have a go at him for not paying, and i think we do need to have a talk... I do wonder if he is going to move in with another friend who has a smart new flat in the centre of town...

The other hand, he's not much company and has the best room, i usually do his washing up and he isn't timely with the rent.

I think iam just desperate for company.

Seems like Rawk won 't talk to me any longer. I just wanted some company, but all i am getting at the moment is a closed door and no rent.

He's sort of agreed to pay me weekly, so we will see if that happens.

I realyl don't know though. I like dhim as a person, and we were friends... but he would rather be with his ex.

I just wish i hd someone who would rather be with me...

It's good to be able to write here, i can get the crazy out...without people finding out.

I am trying to remain calm, but Rawk hasn't contacted me, so i am in two minds. Either i should be concerned that he hasn't contacted me, or i should be cross.

I have a very strong feeling that he is going to cancel, and that makes me so sad. I am a person who tries very hard to be good, and do nice things for other people, and my repayment is to be treated like i matter to no-one...

On the other hand, maybe i am selfish, that i think the world revolves around me, and that i am not aware of everything that is going on...

I am going to have to readjust my mind set. I loved having Rawk live with, the companionship i had. But it's kind of gone. He is very rarely here, and when he is he's mostly in his room. It was good when we had a little chat every day, but i think those days are gone. I am trying not to take it personally, he complained at his last place that no-one spoke to him...but i think it's more the other way around.

I have a good heart, but a lonely one...

Sometimes telling people that you have thoughts and feelings doesn't always work out. I'm sure Rawk must think i'm insane. Not that i'm exactly sane.

I think too much, most people say that. But then on the other hand i get accused of thoughtlessness, so i can't win..

I am quite upset today thought. Nearly 6 weeks ago, Rawk and I planned a trip to London to see Nerina. Last night he said to cancel the hotel, as he is going to London with osme other friends next weekend and can't afford both, and indeed is not even sure if he could drive down and back again in one night now.

I am heartbroken. I know for sure that in people's minds i don't really matter. I long for that close friend with whom i can have some companionship.

Yeh, i know he doesn't have to be my best mate, although we were (and are) friends beforehand. As it happens he's thinking about moving to Australia. I guess... it's just nice to have friends, and i think i just got very upset about him walking out.... even though it was apparnetly nothing to do with me at all. It just pushes buttons, y'know.

We do lead seperate lives quite a lot of the time, it's just that i am clearly ready for a deeper connection with someone. That closeness that i see other people having, like he had with his ex...

It does seem that whenever i make friends, things then go well for them and the end up moving on. Which in one way i am always happy, as i love seeing my friends happy.... but in another way said - as it constantly means i have to search for friends, and i never get that long-lasting deeper connection with someone.

Oh well. I suppose the upside is that if Rawk moves out, i can have my lovely large room back, and not get stressed...but...

I need to clean up, the place is a mess, and i know that would make him move out...

And i know that as i feel kind of friendless, i jump in super quick, and i think that puts people off.

I am going to try and limit how often i contact Rawk, as he is quite self-sufficent. It makes me a little sad, but i hope that one day i will find someone who meets me, and wants to be friendly and sociable with me.

I do sing in my choir, buy my friends have mostly now found partners and don't come anymore. Skating is good, but they are mostly partnered up, so it's hard to be sociable.

I think i am going to try and give him some space, both physical and mental. I am not going to contact him now until he contacts me. I am going out tonight, and have choir tomorrow. Wednesday i will be skating (feet depending). Thursday and Friday i will be with him, as we are going to London on a trip - so i think that works out well.

I do wonder if he will in fact stay over at a friend's tonight as it might all be getting a bit much for him...

We talked a little last night, Rawk and I, via MSN. He's been back at his parents, and TBH i've not really seen much of him the past few weeks. If i was back in my old room it would have been as if he didn't exist at all.

I guess it's not what i was expecting or wanting. Or maybe things have changed for him...

He was supposed to be spending my birhtday with me, and maybe thats selfish, but i can see that he is already dropping hints about not even being here, never mind going out.

I don't really want to spend my birthday alone.

Sunday went all wrong. Rawk and i were supposed to go to Ikea, then onto the Pear Tree. He turned up with his ex (with whom he'd gone out the night before and stayed over at) and all went along together. I think rawk had forgotten that he had agreed to go to the pear tree with me, and wanted to spend more time with his ex... at any rate his ex was having none of it (said he had things to do) and eventually Rawk stomped off. I had a text saying that he was in a bad mood and had gone for a drive. 5 hours later i sent a text asking if he was ok. He had gone to back to Nottingham. If he was Orion i would have said that he had driven off somewhere to have sex, but i am not certain.

I was very hurt by this, i can't bare people just walking off and leaving.

I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but i can't take it.

More so than ever i wish i had a close friend, someone who would like out for me, and i would look out for them. I went to distraction last night, i ended up having to go home alone. Maybe it's selfish, but if one of my friends who i had come with was in pain and wanted to leave, i would go with them.

Just been let down so many times. I end up having to make the compromises and lose out...

I feel up and down at the moment. I long for a close friendship. Someone to confide in...

I am grateful for skating and central city rollergirls. I've made some friends, but no-one that i could ring up and arrange to do the stuff i like with.

I long to have someone that i can show affection to.