Thoughts about no future

I find it so hard to go into branches sometimes. It seems as if everywhere i go I see engagements and weddings, babies on the way and families.
I come home to a cold and empty house. Lonely. I can't go skating because I don't get home in time.
I need to find something to occupy my time.

I feel as if I have no-one I can confide in, and I can't use this as a way to talk about my worries. I just try and remember that I am lucky to have my skating ladies and lads. They fill me with love that is almost unconditional.

Weather

What terrible weather today. The visibilty on the drive to today's branch was so poor. I much prefer the crisp, cold yet sunny weather to this dampness. My little car is getting such a work out.
I have a such a lot to do today. Tidy and wash up at home, then out to the cinema to see 2012.
I want to be a more tidy and organised person at home. I think it will help me feel calmer.

CCR

Vaguely awake. Now I can write more on the subject. So privileged and proud to be associated with such a bunch of wonderful gals and guys. I get so much more from them than i could ever possibly give back.
I need to lose a ton of weight so that I can actually play properly. That would be a good way to pay back.
I just get so much love and friendship. I get to know a diverse bunch of people who I would never normally have spoken to. I have grown so much in confidence. How could I think of leaving the league?
I may not have a best friend, but I have a whole group of friends who are there for me... No matter what.

CCR

CCR are two. I am so glad that i have such a wonderful bunch of people in my life. Kind and caring guys and girls. Funny and crazy !

Feeling quite gutted. One of my colleagues went for the same role as me, her interview the day after mine... she has already had her second round interview, and i have heard nothing. Not even a thanks, but no thanks.

Gutted as i think it would be been a great opportunity for me, but that is life. Something better will turn up.

Also gutted that Tatman and Moni are moving to Surrey. I shall miss them terribly. Tatman is always there for me, keeping me positive.

Some good will come of this, i am sure.

I keep thinking, i could use the time off to get my CCNA, do some work on my house, rest.

Things going as always. I see an improvement in my skating. Still very slow, but i can now get up if i do a right knee fall. It might take me a couple of attempts, but i can do it! My next goal is to work at that until i can do it on the first attempt for the whole of a session. Then get my other leg stronger so i can do it on that one. Then work on knee dips. It has taken me 18 months, but i have done it!

Very proud of myself.

I guess i'm making all the mistakes that most people made in their teens and twenties now...as i had no opportunity to make them then. Probably at this age it just hits you harder...or something.

I just felt as if he was the one... not a blinding light buld..just... more.. as if it was meant to be.

But as per usual, am probably wrong.

And maybe i'm wrong about this too...and he is actually wanting to go out with me but too shy to say..

Monica and tatman are off to Prague for a long weekend. I feel a little jealous, as i have never had a holiday with a loved one - but pleased for them. They should enjoy themselves in Prague, it's such a beautiful city.

As for me...well i am booked to go back for a longer weekend at the beginning of July to Stockholm with Steve and Dan, which should hopefully be good. And hopefully a trip somewhere else with them at the end of July.

Which then leads me into something else, which was rather unexpected for me. But i can't really talk about it...

REally quite annoyed and upset. Rawk has told me that his reason fo rnot meetin gup for the gig tomorrow is because it hinks i don;t like his ex! I hardly know his ex! Indeed, i have always felt that it was the other way around. I try and initiate conversations with him via msn and fb - but he never responds.

Trying To Move On

Currently in the Cambridge services eating a cooked breakfast before heading on to stansted airport. There I will meet dan, and then on to Sweden to meet Steve. My head hurts due tiredness and I doubt it will be an early night! But it will be good to see them again.
Still very sad about Rawk and his new life. But I am trying to make some new friends, and carry on. This time, will try not to get too close, as it only leads to sadness for me when they get bored of me. Wish I could sleep now...

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Decision

I have decided not to contact Rawk again. He is better off with his new best friend, and the flat mates that be now sits downstairs with. He days he wasn't unhappy at mine, but that alone is very telling. I will never share again.

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On The Outside Looking In

Very hard to keep positive. See, I was right. Rawk said that everything would be the same, but it's not. No responses to texts, I found parties going on that all mutual friends are invited to, but not me.
One day I will find that close friendship. I must do, I think I have some good qualities.

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Have just found out that Rawk had a party has his new place, and his friends were invited. but not me. Heartbroken.

James And Smallkat Drinking

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Trying To Let Go

Today it kind of feels as if Rawk was just using me. Only seeing me when and where he wants. I have no faith that he will actually go and see OBL in December. We are going to see Ladyhawke next week, but getting no response about meeting up. So much for him saying that everything would be the same, with nights out and meals. They will never happen again. So despite feeling quite gloomy over this, I am trying to make new friends. One reason why i like twitter is that it is giving me the opportunity to converse with likeminded people. People who are politically aware, who like music and film.
Anything so that I can forget about Rawk and his cool new bff. I may not be massively talented, or witty, or gorgously attractive... But I try to be kind, and do what other people want (even if it puts me outside my comfort zone), hell I gave Rawk a lift home even though it is out if my way now. And agreed to meet him in Brindley Place, which I am not keen on. There must be people out there who would me kern not only to hear from me, but would do me the curtesy of replying...

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I was quite surprised. Re-arranged to meet up with Rawk, and he turned up! It was ok, but despite what he says about things being the same... they aren't anymore. I goes on about his new best friend, which fill me with jealousy... and i try my best not to show it. And he goes on about his new place, which he prefers and says things are better... which upsets me. He doesn't speak to me via msn much anymore, and generally doesn't respond to texts. oh oh oh how long for a friend.

We are attending the same gig next week, but no response to whether he wants to meet up beforehand. So i am assuming not. Oh oh oh where is the someone that i can be friendly with. Who likes the things i do. Maybe they don't exisit.

Rawk was supposed to be picking a bookcase up today, but again has changed his mind. We have apparently rescheduled meeting up for Monday, but as he then said about picking up the bookcase on Monday i am confused.

I just want a friend, that i can arrange to meet, and who will actually be there. It feels so hard otherwise.

Was supposed to meet Rawk last night for a drink, but as per usual he cried off last minute. Said he was feeling ill, but i suspect he actually had a better offer.

Oh how, more than ever, i wish i had a close friend. Seems selfish to want a friend just for my own sake, and not to be a good friend to them...but i am so tired of this.

I Shouldn't, But I do

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Confused

Am feeling very confused about things. I have feelings for someone I shouldn't. It was so nice to walk hand in hand with them. And to have them hold my hand when watching a concert. I think it was just the alcohol though. But it was just so nice for once. I am affectionate person ... It is something that I would like so much.

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As of tomorrow Rawk will no longer officially be living with me. I feel so sad. And i know that i am unlikely to see him again. He acutally said that he is not sad to be leaving, and is in fact happy to go. No thank you, considering i took him in when he was living somewhere really horrible. But, i remind myself that i never did it for the thanks. I did it because a friend in need, and all that.

I have booked tickets with him to see Narnia in December, but as he won't take his ticket with him, i suspect he'll end up cancelling like last time. At least i am very prepared for it now.

I have asked my friend richard if he will help me, as i just can't face coming home to a place i hate, and getting help seems to be the best thing to do...

He cancelled the quiz. Quelle surprise.

Found out that another reason he has gone quiet, and is less interested is that he has found a new friend. I don't begrudge this, as i want Rawk to be happy. I just wish i had a close friend of my own.

No, i am happy for him. When he isn't being mean, he is a nice guy, and deserves to be loved up. He spends so much time with his ex, and presumably listening to his ex talk about his new fella, that this would be good for him.

But....oh...how i feel as if i am always on the outside looking in.

I will miss him when he is gone, but i won't get another hosuemate... i just need to make a friend, or more to try and fill up the empty days.

All of which makes me very self-centered, i know.

And i don't want ot be self-centred, but i guess so many many years on my own kind of makes me a bit that way.

Oh well, i hope i can get goodbye drinks on Friday. He was supposed to be coming to a quiz with me this evening, but isn't responding to texts or a phone call. I think that that's the thing that hurts most...

I guess it makes sense, although to be fair he is very rarely at my home, and i see him a max of 2 days a week. But still, it's really a very mean thing to say to someone especially when you are leaving their home.

I think the chances of me actually bothering to make an effort to keep in touch are slight.

Things go from bad to worse. Apparently since he currently lives with me Rawk is "less-excited" to hear from me. I can't think of a meaner thing to say to someone who is not only supposed to be a friend, but a mean thing to say to someone who took your into their home when you were living in a place you hated.

How unkind and cruel.

I so long for that close friendship that i seek. I don't want to feel on the outside anymore.

I know...i guess i just long for friends who are around. People wonder why i get so intense, but i guess it's after years of being picked up and then dropped when conveniant that now i just want to get as much in the, what seems, little time...

But i know it makes things worse...vicious cycle...

Seems like i have found the reason why Rawk has been like he is recently. He didn't like being called my housemate, and is now moving out.

I tried to explain that to me, introducing him as my housemate was a big deal to me. I have never shared with anyone, and it meant he was a very good friend. But, whatever. He's not now, so it doesn't matter.

Well, that friendship now over. He barely keeps in touch with anyone apart from his ex.

It does seem like this loneliness is never ending.
<

After pestering, Rawk, i got the feb/march rent money. I hate having to pester him... especially when i am now not getting any thing in return for having him stay here. I get no company, no help around the house...

I know i make things worse...so i am doing well with my positivity towards him. I have a strong feeling though that our agreed plan for Saturday won't happen.

I find it difficult to let go of blondie. He looks so sad at the moment, i just want to see him smile... but i persist in the face of all adversity.
"i'm not fobbiing u off cos a drink might be nice but i'm not in the mood to be social tonight. Another time maybe. If i change my mind i'll u know tho. x"

But i know it will all come to nothing.

And i am struggling with Rawk. Never being around sounds like the ideal lodger, but it wasn't what i expected or wanted. He clearly prefers to be with his ex, and i feel in the way if it is the three of us... but if i ask him politely if he would rather that i left the two of them together (as apparently i always should have done with Blondie and (dammit i can't remember his alias!) his on/off bf) this then upsets him. And Rawk's way of dealing with that is to ignore me. Which then upsets me, and we both feel awkward, uncomfortable and resentful. Which then leads to him staying away, and/or shutting himself in his room.

At present Rawk isn't replying to my texts, even though i have decided to take the attitude of now just only being smiley and positive... here will be my only refuge for feelings of any other kind.

I don't like feeling awkward and uncomfortable and resentful, so i am going to do what i can so that Rawk doesn't feel that way. I really think that a good night out would help... and previously he had agreed to do that this Saturday, but given his track record at turning up for things... i think it unlikely... which will then make me feel resentful.

He says he's my friend, and most of the time i believe that... but he has a lot of friends, most of whom he sees very ocassionally.

What i need is a friend who wouldn't mind seeing me on a regular basis.

It's the disruption and the not knowing when he's going to be here or not makes me... not upset, but upset in my mind...

I know he has one former friend that he says he no longer speaks to, and i guess that troubles me, too.

But above all, i know that in anything, i am the common denominator...

Things are a little better with Rawk. At least he has paid his rent now. The fact is, he likes his own company (well, when i say his own company he likes chatting to boys on the internet in his room). He likes ot be spontanous, and feels forced if he has to plan things. I like to plan, and have things to look forward to. I guess neither way is right and neither way is wrong.

The thing i most want to do now is go on holiday. I really want to go to Japan, and i know that Rawk wants to go to, but he has already said 'no'. It's one of those things that i feel that i really missed out on in my 20's, a girlie holiday in the sun... I don't want to go on my own, but i have no friends who would be willing or able to go... so i am trying to see.

I know that there are guided tours and the like, but i worry that i would feel intimidated and wouldn't speak to anyone, and i know that when i went on my own to Ireland i spoek to no-one for nearly two weeks.

But i have been brave. I have booked a ticket for V Fest and will be going by myself. I keep reminding myself that i am stronger than i know...

I still long for that deep, intimate connection with someone..

I really am beginning to get the impression that Rawk is avoiding me. I am not sure how i feel about it. On the one hand, i'm quite upset as there is no need. I wouldn't have a go at him for not paying, and i think we do need to have a talk... I do wonder if he is going to move in with another friend who has a smart new flat in the centre of town...

The other hand, he's not much company and has the best room, i usually do his washing up and he isn't timely with the rent.

I think iam just desperate for company.

Seems like Rawk won 't talk to me any longer. I just wanted some company, but all i am getting at the moment is a closed door and no rent.

He's sort of agreed to pay me weekly, so we will see if that happens.

I realyl don't know though. I like dhim as a person, and we were friends... but he would rather be with his ex.

I just wish i hd someone who would rather be with me...

It's good to be able to write here, i can get the crazy out...without people finding out.

I am trying to remain calm, but Rawk hasn't contacted me, so i am in two minds. Either i should be concerned that he hasn't contacted me, or i should be cross.

I have a very strong feeling that he is going to cancel, and that makes me so sad. I am a person who tries very hard to be good, and do nice things for other people, and my repayment is to be treated like i matter to no-one...

On the other hand, maybe i am selfish, that i think the world revolves around me, and that i am not aware of everything that is going on...

I am going to have to readjust my mind set. I loved having Rawk live with, the companionship i had. But it's kind of gone. He is very rarely here, and when he is he's mostly in his room. It was good when we had a little chat every day, but i think those days are gone. I am trying not to take it personally, he complained at his last place that no-one spoke to him...but i think it's more the other way around.

I have a good heart, but a lonely one...

Sometimes telling people that you have thoughts and feelings doesn't always work out. I'm sure Rawk must think i'm insane. Not that i'm exactly sane.

I think too much, most people say that. But then on the other hand i get accused of thoughtlessness, so i can't win..

I am quite upset today thought. Nearly 6 weeks ago, Rawk and I planned a trip to London to see Nerina. Last night he said to cancel the hotel, as he is going to London with osme other friends next weekend and can't afford both, and indeed is not even sure if he could drive down and back again in one night now.

I am heartbroken. I know for sure that in people's minds i don't really matter. I long for that close friend with whom i can have some companionship.

Yeh, i know he doesn't have to be my best mate, although we were (and are) friends beforehand. As it happens he's thinking about moving to Australia. I guess... it's just nice to have friends, and i think i just got very upset about him walking out.... even though it was apparnetly nothing to do with me at all. It just pushes buttons, y'know.

We do lead seperate lives quite a lot of the time, it's just that i am clearly ready for a deeper connection with someone. That closeness that i see other people having, like he had with his ex...

It does seem that whenever i make friends, things then go well for them and the end up moving on. Which in one way i am always happy, as i love seeing my friends happy.... but in another way said - as it constantly means i have to search for friends, and i never get that long-lasting deeper connection with someone.

Oh well. I suppose the upside is that if Rawk moves out, i can have my lovely large room back, and not get stressed...but...

I need to clean up, the place is a mess, and i know that would make him move out...

And i know that as i feel kind of friendless, i jump in super quick, and i think that puts people off.

I am going to try and limit how often i contact Rawk, as he is quite self-sufficent. It makes me a little sad, but i hope that one day i will find someone who meets me, and wants to be friendly and sociable with me.

I do sing in my choir, buy my friends have mostly now found partners and don't come anymore. Skating is good, but they are mostly partnered up, so it's hard to be sociable.

I think i am going to try and give him some space, both physical and mental. I am not going to contact him now until he contacts me. I am going out tonight, and have choir tomorrow. Wednesday i will be skating (feet depending). Thursday and Friday i will be with him, as we are going to London on a trip - so i think that works out well.

I do wonder if he will in fact stay over at a friend's tonight as it might all be getting a bit much for him...

We talked a little last night, Rawk and I, via MSN. He's been back at his parents, and TBH i've not really seen much of him the past few weeks. If i was back in my old room it would have been as if he didn't exist at all.

I guess it's not what i was expecting or wanting. Or maybe things have changed for him...

He was supposed to be spending my birhtday with me, and maybe thats selfish, but i can see that he is already dropping hints about not even being here, never mind going out.

I don't really want to spend my birthday alone.

Sunday went all wrong. Rawk and i were supposed to go to Ikea, then onto the Pear Tree. He turned up with his ex (with whom he'd gone out the night before and stayed over at) and all went along together. I think rawk had forgotten that he had agreed to go to the pear tree with me, and wanted to spend more time with his ex... at any rate his ex was having none of it (said he had things to do) and eventually Rawk stomped off. I had a text saying that he was in a bad mood and had gone for a drive. 5 hours later i sent a text asking if he was ok. He had gone to back to Nottingham. If he was Orion i would have said that he had driven off somewhere to have sex, but i am not certain.

I was very hurt by this, i can't bare people just walking off and leaving.

I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but i can't take it.

More so than ever i wish i had a close friend, someone who would like out for me, and i would look out for them. I went to distraction last night, i ended up having to go home alone. Maybe it's selfish, but if one of my friends who i had come with was in pain and wanted to leave, i would go with them.

Just been let down so many times. I end up having to make the compromises and lose out...

I feel up and down at the moment. I long for a close friendship. Someone to confide in...

I am grateful for skating and central city rollergirls. I've made some friends, but no-one that i could ring up and arrange to do the stuff i like with.

I long to have someone that i can show affection to.

An okish New Year. Blondie and Orion officially engaged... and me, still single. I want to make myself into a better person, as clearly this is the problem.

I am also a bit worried that Rawk thinks i am completely insane and insecure, which in truth i am but this is something that i try and keep completely hidden. He never really seems to lack for people to have lunch with, and often stays over at his ex's...

I so long for friends that i can go and have lunch with, although Rawk will do that sometimes... and someone to hug, as i long for human contact. when i think about it, it really gets me down, and when that feeling passes, i am my usual bouncy and smiley safe. I like being smiley.