Tatman came online today, and said that he wanted to come around to my house early tomorrow (he's coming to my skating fundraiser). He wants to talk to someone...

I suspect that right now he is talking to the girl who trained me in my job (and is now living in London), and i hope that she helps.

But i will be there for him tomorrow, whatever the problem is.

Despite the fiasco with Blondie and Orion, i am always there for my friends. And i usualli keep my mouth shut. The difference is, that with Blondie it was every night for 30 mins, or 2 hours on the phone, or 4 hours in a car. All about his problems... and he wanted no part in hearing anything to do with me.

This is different.

I miss Blondie so much though. Not Orion...well quite frankly it's not as if he's really been there for me anyway...

I wish i could stop missing Blondie so much, i wish he would leave.

I went round to one of the guys from choir house last night. hE cooked me a veggy curry, and then he, his chap and me watched the first episode of summer heights high. I was laughing so hard. It's so inappropriate, but so funny. Then we went into town to meet up with some choir people. It's so great that we get on so well that we want to see each other, even on our summer break!

I was very nervous that Blondie and Orion would come in, and that there would be a scene. I was constantly very aware, and kept my eye on the door. Fortunately they didn't come in.

I long for the day when i don't worry about Blondie, or wish that he spoke to me. It's stupid really. It's not like he actually gave a crap about me, or had any interest in me.

And Orion was clearly just using me as a Blondie substitute as i keep seeing messages all about his best bud, and how he's going ot do stuff with her.

I long for a best friend to do things with. And friends who don't ignore me because you've done "something", but not tell you what that something is.

I feel so sad.

I know that i have choir, and skating and going to OUT pub meets and swimming and tatman, who has been so kind to me. But there is still an empty hole.

I went on a CCNA bootcamp this past weekend, and tatman (who was in vicinity) took me out to meet his family. It was so nice, just for one evening to feel welcomed and part of something else.

But today i'm at work, and really missing Blondie. And getting stressed, as i am going into town tonight, and i dont want any hassle from Orion.

Blondie agreed to be civil, but it seems that his idea of civil is to ignore me, as i have asked if he had a good weekend (as i do with other people) and he is ignoring me.

As i always thought he and his bf are pretty rude people.

Me, i like to try and keep the lines of communication open, but eventually in the face of everything you have to let go.

This is my favourite time of day. When Blondie is at lunch, and i can sit peacefully at my desk without hearing his dulcet tones and feeling stressed.

I don't really want to write about it. But last night, i was out in town with some of the girls from choir, and blondie and orion came into the bar we were in. I don't and didn't want any trouble, and was pleased that we were able to keep things civil (well, despite them standing at the bar glaring at me). Then i got a text from Blondie saying that Orion was right and that i was a silly little girl who played mind games. What?? Where had that come from?

I was quite upset by this, as clearly although Blondie had told me he was keeping out of things, he blatently isn't.

I phoned him, and i ended up having Orion on the phone to me, threatening me. I was really quite disturbed by this and spent most of the night trembling at the threats.

Not one to be beaten, i discussed with our HR what to do. In the end i sent a note to Blondie, saying that i really wanted to resolve this as i am not looking for trouble and was really quite distressed.

He spoke to HR, and then i went into the HR room with him. We agreed not to contact each other anymore. That he doesn't want work and personal to mix (although why he then started telling me all his personal stuff i will never know), and i am happy with that. I feel that there is a happy medium, other than being civil (Which is Blondie-speak for ignoring), but it's not what he wants. And well, what he wants he gets.

Saturday night i got a text from Blondie asking if i was in town. I wasn't. But he won't speak to me, or tell me what he wanted. This is stressing me out. Is he now messing with me?

I am filling up the void though. Going on a CCNA bootcamp, and that's going to take some studying. Skating takes time. Choir, and doing social activities with them. Sometimes swimming.

I remembered how much i loved to play on my xbox/wii/ps2. I love reading.

What i would really like are friends to go out clubbing with, and people to come over and chill with a DVD, but you know what. I think everything will work out ok in the end.

Chatting with choir people at the BBQ and the concert last night, made me realise how much i missed adult conversation and not hearing people slag off their partners all the time.

Well, i had a very weird weekend. The end result of which is that Orion is no longer speaking to me, and i think thats for the best. I cannot handle someone who tells met hat they are done with life, but then when i phone them they shout that they are busy and slam the phone down.

I don't need that in my life anymore.

The sad part for me, is that when i met Orion, I ended up ruining my own relationship with Blondie. I am truly sad about that, and I know that it cannot be salvaged. I wish it could, but it's not what he wants. My fervent hope is that he ends up happy, but as Orion even now keeps dumping him, and then saying he wants him - it must be a very up and down sort of experience for Blondie. But it's one that I just cannot be a part of anymore.

I do feel lonely, as I don't have any close friends, but i shall work on it. I went to a BBQ at the house of one of the girls from choir on Saturday. She seems really nice, but as she has a partner i am wary of trying to become better friends.

But you know what? It was really nice just chilling out in her back garden, and talking in a proper, adult fashion.

Sunday i had skating, and i managed for a little while to keep up with the slower pack! I also managed a good few laps round on "skate til you puke" which means i clearly wasn't skating as fast as i could go, so now i need to push myself further. Something that will be easier in well-fitting skates i think. So i am making some progress!

Sunday a small elite part of the choir sand for the GOC. The audience was very appreciative, and we chatted with a few of the younger guys til nearly 11:45! One of them should be coming for a drink with us tomorrow (I gave him my number to text me, i didn't want to be pushy and make it th other way around), but after this weeken i am looking forward to making new friends. People who won't fuck with my head and play games.