Well there you go, i'm quite surprised that people think highly of me!

Me, I have pretty low self-esteem, and I am probably harder on myself than anyone else. Sometimes i wonder if keep a journal is really healthy. Maybe it encourages me to be more self-critical than i would without it. On the other hand, writing everything down sometimes clarifies things. Which can either bring issues sharply into focus, or makes me realise that they just aren't issues at all.

Thank goodness it's payday today.

I almost wish i was going down to London this weekend, but i've put the deposit down on the beading course, so a-beading i shall go.

I've sold some more shares to pay for my front garden.

I forgot to mention that i got 74 for my last tma. 10 marks less than the first two, but ten marks more than my average for last year! I knew it wasn't good, and at the day school two weeks ago i told my tutor not to bothered marking it as it was so bad! His first comment on the pt3 form was that it wasn't as bad as i had feared! I knew it wasn't as good as the previous two, and at the dayschool i realised that although i was putting in the majority of the points expected, i had completely misinterpreted the question. So although i answered my interpretation of it, it was quite right. Tomorrow i need to start on the short answer for tma04, so that I have a clear run at the next essay. I want, and know that I can do better. Can you believe that after this course, i only have two more to do? They are too much for me to do together, so it's another two years, but still.

The price of the masters is about 400 pounds more than i am paying for my undergrad courses.

Was that really Nerina who left a commment? I'm going to believe it is! Now if only that guy Robert would send me the photo, life would be perfect.

Well, maybe not perfect, but it would certainly brighten up my day! Those of you who are long time readers - and this makes year 9 of this incarnation of the journal, which seems so hard to believe - will know that I have my problems. But with each down, I'm bouncing back quicker than ever, which is such a postive thing for me. I think i'll never be free of it, that the black dog will always be around, but I have tools to stop him from having control too long.

Sometimes it's about faith. I wish i had more. Whenever i got back to church i'm greeted with open arms, and yet...i just don't have the faith.

Yo go back to some slightly Nerina related ramblings, I've made a couple of friends from the gigs which is yet another postive thing for me. I am so incredibly shy, I have to screw my courage up to use the phone, and yet when i am there talking about things i love, such as music - it all melts away. My musical tastes diverged from just about everyone i know a long time ago, so it's makes me feel more normal when i do meet people who are into the same thing as me.

That reminds me, Joolz has suggested some kind of a girlie weekend, which i should go on. she's mentioned her birthday too, which is a wee bit hurtful as of course she was too busy for my birthday and I only got an e-card off her. But no, this is just inviting that dog to come sniffing around...

I beaded this weekend. I made a really nice necklace for my sister. I want to get some different coloured beads and make it for myself. My mum has asked that make one for Aunty Jenny for her birthday, so i've ebayed to get the beads for it, as I have beading courses the next two weekends so can't make it to the shop. If only it was open on Sundays.

I've only been beading a short while, but i love it so much.

My car got fixed, thank goodness. As the garage gave me 10 mins to do the mile and a half to go and pick it up, i had to get my mum and sister to drive there to rescue my car. My sister paid on credit card, which meant i paid her a cheque to settle up. It has saved me from putting it on my own card, and paying interest on it - but of course it means i can't afford to pay the 130 quid that i wanted this month. At least it's only set me back a month. I'm going to get it serviced next month, and unfortunately i haven't really built up enough to pay for it. It really does seem like it is the car thats now holding me back from being debt-free (minus the mortgage of course). Just about every other bill is now budgeted for.

That reminds me, I'm getting my front garden sorted out, and i need to get some more share money to pay for it. But thats precisly what that money is for.

I bought Birds by Bic Runga over the weekend, along with Speak for Yourself by Imogen Heap and another copy of DFS, as mine is scratched beyond belief due to over playing! i have listened to a little bit of Birds, and i like it a lot. I am giving serious thought to booking a ticket to see her next week. I'm going to wait til after payday. I think June is going to be another tight month. It needn't be. If i was sensible and bought sarnies to lunch, or stuck to jacket potatos i would not fall short. And i would be healthier.

And then i would be closer to being as well as Nerina said i was...

I went to the Border signing yesterday. Nerina played three songs on her own, then did the signing. I got a few things signed - the new single, then i went to the back of the queue and got my patient single signed. She asked me where i got it - i bought it when it first came out, i said! She was really lovely, and said that she had enjoyed Tuesdays gig. She said that i looked well too, which i'm not sure was entirely true - but there you go. She isn't listening to mid-week listings and she thinks it will jinx things.

I wasn't able to get a copy of War on 7 inch, apparently HMV in town only had 6 copies! They are going on Ebay already.

I met up with a few people from the gig, who wer waiting as early as i was to see Nerina - Peter, Robert and Cathy. They were all really nice, and Robert took a picture of me with Nerina. I hope that he emails it through, as i would love that as my desktop.

It's so hard for my to describe what Nerina means to me. Her music and performances have kept me going through really dark periods, that sometimes the fact that i can go to Borders and hear her play is due entirely to her.

But obviously i'm not going to tell her that, cos that would be quite weird and strange.

What next? Well i'm going to see her in September, which is something to look foward to, particularly since it will be getting close to exam time.

I'm thinking about going to see Bic Runga next week -i liked the samples i heard on her webpage.

Nerina Pallot Glee Club Birmingham 23rd May 2006

Nerina Pallot Glee Club Birmingham 23rd May 2006
Nerina with a huge smile on her face.

Saw Nerina at the Glee last night. Absolutely fab. String section, drummer, guitar and bass on a lot of the songs which was excellent. I even got a name check, which was v cool. I met two nice guys from Cheltenham - Andy and Rich, and girl called Candy who is a baker and is going to live in NZ.

I'm applyin again for jobs. Nothing so far, but i'll keep trying.

I've booked the car in at the garage for Saturday. I am literally praying that a)it doesn't blow up before then and b) that they can fix it in one day. Otherwise i'm going to have to take more AL because of the car. As i cleared out my car fund last month i guess it's going to have to go onto cards which means my debt free date is going to be out of the window. Sometimes it seems it's like 1 step foward and 2 back.

If only the car could have hold on a litle longer. I'm off work in three weeks, and i was planning on getting it serviced then, as all i was going to do was work on a TMA.

I seem to be running out of money rather too rapidly. I should get some on call money next week, but i was putting all of that towards my car repair fund, however i think i may need to keep it, to keeo me going. I have 150 quid to last me until next month, which sounds like a lot, but i'll need at least 60 quid for petrol during that time.

I would say serves me right for spending on beads, but i don't go out at all...ah well...i do wonder how i ever survived on just 8k

My beading addiction is beginning to sap quite a bit of money. I spent 45 pounds this month on the deposit for three courses. I went to one on Saturday. Just three people, including myself, and the instructor. Just before i got in there i realised that it was an intermediate course, and of course i've only been doing this for a few weeks! It didn't seem to matter though. With so few people, the instructor was able to help me get started and show me how to do the stitch, and eventually i picked it up. It was quite a relaxing day. The instructor had one of the new agey cd's for nice background noise. She'd bought grapes and biscuits and the four of us has nice chats...

The bracelet is in peyote stitch, which means it is flat and it had a pattern. It is taking me quite a long time to do, and i just want to finish it and wear it! The other courses are to make a necklace, and another bracelet using odd-count peyote.

It is a lot of money, but then i don't go out. I cannot wait til July, i am still on course to paying off my debt (apart from mortgage).

So what big things have i got to buy this month...fence...although most of that should be from share money...100 pounds more of cc repayment...could do with a haircut...

I made a couple of straight bracelets this weekend. One in pinks for my sister, and one in purple for my mum. Well, actually they were the same colours, but the mixes just differed. More pinks in one, and more purples in the other. They looked really nice! I went to Lichfield and got the beads and found some really sweet star beads to use as the fixing toggle. I liked them so much that i wishes i had bought two more stars to make myself one! I'm sourcing beads over the internet now, specifically ebay, as i can't run to Lichfield every weekend.

I prefer to live a quiet life, but lately it's been hard. I've had my front fence kicked in, and last night i had stones thrown at the windows of my house. One of the stones smashed the front pane of some double glazing. I'm a bit worried.

I phoned the police and got a crime number, and the police officer said that they would let my beat officer know. They are pretty good on the vale, i have seen them pounding the streets. Unfortunately i didn't actually seem them throw the stone, as they ran and hid. I would hear the noise of the stone, look up and they were running away. This means no proof, which i do understand. It's more about feeling safe, and not worrying about what might happen next. As i have a crime number I may think about getting the window repaired sooner rather than later, although it's only a small window and it's probably not worth getting it down on insurance. I will see.

I'm more concerned about feeling safe. The police officer asked if i thought why i was being targeted. My main thought is that possibly people have noticed that i am a single woman.

I am going to try and phone up about getting my fence replaced. Maybe something in metal. More expensive, but i want to feel secure.

I was so good yesterday, and i ended up putting on weight. I am so cross, but i am determined not to have crisps or chocolate. It's not easy, but i know it is for the best.

I am plugging away with part one of tma03, this time around it seems hard going. I got the equivalent of a's for the first two tma's, i shall be pleased to simply pass this. I think i may have completely grasped the wrong end of the stick, but i just don't have the energy to try and redo it now. I don't even have the energy to proof read it! I've stuck to doing my 100 words, which has rather dragged it out.

I'm hoping that the next essay will be better.

I am completely hooked on beading at the moment. It's really relaxing, and i've made some simple, but pretty stuff already.

I am making a commitment to me. I've decided to cut out chocolate and crisps completely. I simply cannot cut down. I've made mini omlettes with baby tomatoes and ham so that i can snack on those when i feel hungry.

It's now the next session of skating lessons. I am still in the dunce group, but apart from the pain in my feet i enjoy it. But my new healthy lifestyle is a part of this.