I wish i had known what to do so that I could have salvaged two relationships. Blondie says that we are still friends, but we haven't really talked in about three weeks. I miss that.

I am a bad person.

It's amazing what can happen in 4 weeks.

So i have now told them, that i can't be friends with them both. I am so sad, as for just a few weeks i felt happy and wanted...i think the thing i will miss most is the affection.

It's time for endings and new beginnings...

I'm going out with some work colleagues tonight, although i really feel so tired. Saturday i think i'm giong to rest, watch TV, maybe play some xbox. i want to go dancing, but i now have to go alone. I wouldn't mind...but it's the company that i also need/want/crave.

I'm hoping that the choir will help give me something to focus on in the new year, and of course i have my final ou course.

I am selfish, always thinking about me...me..me...

Although not being friends with either is a big sacrifice.

I want to be a better person and a better friend. How do i learn to do this, without hurting other people?

I wish i had someone to confide in.

There has to be a way for me to become a better person.

I've told Blondie and Orion what i decided and neither has responded. Maybe it's better this way.

Maybe.

Well, the two are still together. I did speak to Blondie last night, and he said that he realised that it wasn't my fault, although still said that someone else would have physically stopped him... but maybe these things have to happen.

Today though he's back to not speaking; but i decided to give him their xmas presents anyway.

I think i should face facts that i'm not a people person.

I've made a decision that it woul dbe better if i wasn't friends with either anymore.

I can see now why i am single, but i think this is the best decision for both.

Anyone who says now that I am selfish...well they are mistaken as it was a hard decision for me to make. If i was selfish i would stay friends with both as i am desperate for friends, and for people to go out with...i could go out alone...but i'm not sure i want to anymore. How safe? How fun is it just dancing alone?

Well as per usual i ruin everyone's life.

Orion has mentioned to me that he wanted to audtion for BB, and i heard on the radio on SAturday that the auditions were in bham. So i phoned him and he agreed that i could pick him up and give it a whirl. By the time we got to Millennium Point it all seemed to be over, so we went for a chat in town.

He assured me that things were good, that what Blondie said to me about bothering him and telling him about my health problems wasn't an issue for him. We decided to go dancing in town.

I drove him back to his house to pick up some stuff, then back to mine for me to change and then into town. We hit a few bars and then went to the gale.

It was there that it all went wrong. We met a guy i know and Orion rather liked him. To cut a long story short Orion went off with the guy.

I felt so guilty about everything, especially on Monday when Blondie told me that he asked ORion if anything had happened and he had told him no. Orion eventually confessed, but Blondie blames me completely.

i didn't feel up to going to the quiz on my won, so i asked Bhav if she wanted to, she was out with some of her friends but invited me to join them after they had finished eating. Which i duly did.

We went to Loft Lounge and chatted for a coupkle of hours, mostly fairly weighty discussions about religion. I was still not terribly up though.

Leaving at ten, as we were about to part our ways guess who i bumped into? Correct. Blondie and Orion. As Blondie has sent a text saying that there were no issues, no bridges to build etc etc i decided to join them. I'm not sure how happy Blondie was about that, but Orion was cool, and we went back into Loft Lounge and then onto Missing later. Some dancing, and Blondie pulled the hood of my coat right over me and tied it up with a double knot..so i think things are getting better.

However, he still won't do lunch with me as per usual, and it hink it unlikely that we will ever go out together, more if we bump into each other it will be ok...

That makes me sad on a selfish note, as i don't like going out on my own...i don't feel terribly safe. But i have a choice now of going out alone, or not going out at all...

I asked im to lunch again today, but he just walked off...The stuff he doesn't want to deal with he just ignores...

Y'know, what i did, it surely wasn't bad enough to deserve this.

I guess he wants me to be a work friend only. Well i can understand about not confiding in me - although of course if i hadn't they would probably have never spoken again.

I wish i had a close friend of my own.

Last night i went to carol singing at the gale. It was quite festive!

I had another lonely night. I was hoping to see either Blondie or Orion, but no dice. I could have stayed at home being sad and lonely but decided to go out regardless. I was in the mood for dancing, but couldn't find any night that i fancied going to.

So i went to the cinema instead.

I am so lonely. Blondie is so closed off these days. Maybe quite rightly. But i am unhappy and lonely.

Orion promised to text me today, but i know that he won't. I'm lonely.

I'm lonely, lonely lonely. I'm sick and lonely.

I dunno how long i can last.

Even when i had someone they didn't want to spend time with me...i must truly be a terrible, terrible person.

I think he enjoys seeing me unhappy and lonely, as he no longer is. Not that i ever enjoyed seeing him that way.

I don't want to be a jealous person, but oh how i wish for someone of my own. I know my faults, and i try to conquer them.

The choir never contacted me back, but tonight i'm thinking about going to a pub quiz...on my own...

I'm hoping that i will be able to join a team and perhaps make some friends...

The lonliness is killing me

I decided to join a choir. I've sent through an email about joining, i'm guessing that i'll prob leave it to the New Year, but that's only a few weeks away and it gives me something to look forward to.

For those of you who were wondering...it's called Rainbow voices...

I went home sick at lunch time. The pain was too great today, and i just couldn't take it. Blondie wished me get well soon, and he did say a few words to me when i asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. So maybe we are getting back on track.

I did a bad thing, but then he was vicious too...

Me, i'm too impatient. I have trouble with time and how slowly it goes...

I want what i want, hence selfish. But the fact that i recognise this...and i acknowledge it, what does that mean?

I want to invite the pair over to my house to finish watching bring it on....but is it too soon? Would it be the right thing to do? Would Blondie say no, and then i would be upset?

Do i over think things? Yes.

So anyway. Bit of a mixed weekend. Went to see the baebes at Birmingham Cathedral. I got there an hour and half early, which meant i was first in the queue! Result! The gig was ace, the room packed out and the now 6 of them were on top form.

I got a message from Orion to say that he was having drinks with Blondie. They are back together again...

After the gig i was quite hyper so decided to go dancing, but i had a message from Orion say that they were going to do that too. I offered to leave, but Orion said that everything would be cool.

Anyway, about an hour or so after i got there, they turned up. I felt a bit weird about it. We danced, but there was definately something not right in my eyes between me and blondie. Anyway, at one point we went up and sat on some sofas, blondie next to orion who sat next to me. We chatted for a bit, and then Orion turned around and said to myself and blondie - "eventually the two of you are going to have to speak to each other", where upon we both kind of mumbled that we were. But i felt a bit weird. We tried to make conversation, but in typical Blondie-fashion it was all put downs, which i can normally take. But when you are trying to get things back on track again it's hard.

Orion insisted that everything was ok..but maybe it was just me...

I did text Blondie the next day about it being weird, but he just sent a short one back saying that he didn't think it was.

But that message alone told it all.

Or maybe it's me. Gentle reader, you know how much i over analyse.

Orion said that he would phone me the next day. I think that's what gets to me the most. You see, if i say i'm going to phone or do something then i do it. I don't understand, and start thinking i've done something to offend.

On the downside, i guess now that they are back together and Blondie wants to keep work and personal separate i will not see Orion again. I am quite a selfish person i have realised.

Or maybe they come into your life so that you can see the error of your ways. Whilst i think it's true that not everything Blondie says was true, it was also pretty bad, well ok it was fucking awful of me to get drunk with Orion and then end up on the phone to blondie in front of orion (although he was asleep). Orion decided to tell Blondie that we were together at the time, and quite rightly Blondie was angry. Well angry doesn't cover it really.

I have seen the error of my ways. I'm not a warm person, I am a terrible, horrible, bad person. And i sit and wonder why i have no friends, no-one to confide in.

Maybe i saw Orion and told him how hurt i was about Blondie ignoring me because it made me feel good to have someone who just for a few moments wanted to listen to me.

I have hurt Blondie so badly, which considering how much I care about him is not good. I am surprised that he is still speaking to me I(on and off) really.

Maybe, i shouldn't speak to people.

I am a selfish person, as I have so often been told. All i think about is me, and what i want, and how i can get it. I listen to other people though, but ultimately i do what i want.

I can't apologise enough, and i know that I have ruined what was a promising friendship.

I will use this to learn though.

What i want right now is a hug. But i'm going to try and think about how i can be good to other people instead.

Again it's been a weird time. I've seen Orion a few times, but I can see him going downhill, and I can't keep him up particularly if we go out as i get panic attacks. Still, now that he's decided to withdraw from the world i am sad as I get lonely and i am an affectionate little person who loves to be hugged. I hope he decides to remain in touch not just for me as he makes me laugh, but I hope that i can be a positive influence in his life and encourage him not to drink and to feel better about himself as i think he's a top bloke.

Blondie on the other hand is very down, it makes me down as I hate to see people in pain. But on the other hand i have seen some of the things he has texted to Orion which are lies, For example he said that It made me happy to see the two of them together... which i haven't said. Also that he is always there for me and helps me everyday. Which he doesn't. I have mentioned to him several times about being lonely and that it would help me if he came over to my house...but of course he doesn't.

I am trying not to be down about it, and to think of the good things that Orion has said about me...that i am a warm-hearted person who cares a great deal. Somewhere out there there has to be a someone who would like a warm-hearted girlfriend...

Sometimes people come into your life for just a short while, for a reason. Maybe he came into mine so that I can see that I am a good person at heart, who wants to help others and that people do actually like me.

Well Orion sent me a message that he's had a mare of a day and I should Phone him tomorrow. I am trusting in the Lord that this is the truth and i'm not being strung on. Or maybe i should trust in the Lord that this is another lesson in patience, and that i should pray about the reason why he doesn't want me to call. or maybe all of the above.

I'm thinking about having some kind of dance lessons. At Bhav's church there was a notice for a teacher who teaches adults, so tomorrow i'm going to ring her and see about times/prices. I do need to exercise and dancing i enjoy so much. I've also seen a note about a choir, which i am giving thought to.

Keep busy, do things that i enjoy, praise God and try to be postive.

It's been a weird few days. I decided to head into Town on Thursday by myself. I went to The
Fox, then to the Loft Lounge. I sat in my favourite seat and after about 30 mins i turned
around and saw Bhav! She joined me for a little while, but was relly too tired, so i walked
her to her car and then i headed into the gale to dance. Now it doesn't really bother me to
dance on my own, and it did me the world of good. However, i did get some quite odd stares,
particularly from large groups of str8 girls. But hey, i'd rather dance. I danced for maybe an
hour, pretty much non-stop and then decided that it was time to go home.

I was glad that i did as i found that i had left the lights on my car! God was looking out
for me!

The next day i worked from home in the morning as i had a nurse's appointment at 10, and
then headed into work. On the way in on the m40 a lorry in front of me had a blowout, i was
lucky that none of gthe flying rubber hit my car! Well, maybe not lucky, I think God was
looking out for me yet again. It put a smile on my face and the fact that Blondie still isn't
really speaking to me didn't get me down.

In fact Blondie's friend, who will now be known as Orion, sent me a text telling me to stop
calling him. But in the space of three hours it went from that to him saying that we should go
out dancing again. We were going to meet up on Saturday, but then he never answered his phone,
and eventually sent me a text saying that he was sick.<>PToday, Sunday he sent another saying he would call, but of course he hasn't. I'm going to
take this as a learning experience: a) that unlike me, people often say things that they don't
mean and that b)i need to gain patience.

Saturday evening was Linds' suprise party, but unfortunately she had already found out
about it through her eldest - 6 year olds can't keep secrets like parties!

Sunday, today i went to Bhav's church. They were having a dinner which i ate, and then i
spent a couple of hours drying up. I don't mind it, and again it teaches me patience and gives
me something to think about other than how i don't understand other people at all.

Also that i need to not rely on other people too much.

i know i'll always have it, but i try not to let it dictate my life. But nevertheless i m lonely. It's not that i don't do what i want, because i do. But i would like friends to do it with. I am a very loyal friend, if you need me to help you i will come and help you. If you are unhappy, i will support and comfort you. But i don't get it in return from anyone. Not that i do those things in the hope of getting that in return, i do them because that's just who i am.

I feel so guilty though for hurting Blondie's friend, but i was put in such a position. I wish he would speak to me, for sure as sure is sure, Blondie isn't a real friend much as i kidded myself he was.

I have sent him a message asking him if he wants me to stop inviting him to my place, or to include him on invites to things i'm doing. So far he hasn't replied, so i'm taking that as a yes.

I knew that making friends was too good to be true. There is something about me which means that people don't like me...i will be forever lonely.

Welcome to the worst weekend of my entire life.

Friday Blondie and his friend were supposed to come to the cinema with me. Blondie's friend ditched his job, so couldn't afford it. Which meant that at the last minute Blondie ditched on me. I was so upset...

Saturday was Joolz haloween party, to which i had also invited Blondie and his friend. Blondie bailed, but i pursaded his friend to come with me for a while. I picked Blondie's friend up and he told me that he felt that the relationship would never work... and you can guess how things went from there.

We stayed a little while at Joolz' and then headed into town, blondie's friend let him know we were going here. We met up with blondie and headed into a club. The longer we were there the more pissed off blondie's friend got with blondie. Which ended up in them having a massive row and blondie''s friend dumping him. Blondie's friend and i headed to the car, and i then spent nearly 2 hours trying to get them both into the same car together. I had blondie's friend crying,m and the blondie crying and me trying to comfort both.

Eventually they did get in and i drove him, but they had a massive row, i wanted to drop blondie's friend at his house, and get blondie to stay at mine. They shouted, and Blondie threatened to throw himself from my moving car unless i let him out by the side of the road, and eventually i told them both to get out as i was getting so upset. I sat for a few minutes and the drove on and caught up with them. Blondie got back in m car, but his friend ran off. I persuaded Blondie to come back to mine, where he sat crying for a while and eventually fell asleep on my sofa.

In the morning i drove him back to his house and checked back in with him later.

His friend has sent me a message saying that he never wanted to speak to me again, and so far he hasn''t.

The Sunday i spent some time on the phone with Blondie and i began to wonder if i made the right decision. I consider Blondie to be a friend, but i know that despite the support i have given him i don't believe that he thinks the same way.

Today at work he was quiet, but i bought him a couple of Latte's. Sunday evening he said he would spend some time with me on Monday, as i was really quite worried about him.

Today, this evening, he appears to be ditching me again.

I feel so stupid. I have an open and trusting heart. I'm lonely. I long for friends, and i feel that i am a good person, but i guess i'm not.

I don't think the meds are working, i am sitting here crying. I try and reach out to people, but ultimately they have their own lives to lead and can't be there for me.

Things got a bit wierd after that. At around 7:30 blondie phoned saying that he was outside my gate, i went to let him in and there was his friend. An evening of wii sports ensued...

Saturday i went out with Bhav, it was too much for me. I really dislike blokes i don't know touching me. I tried to persuade blondie to come out too, but hw wouldn't. Of course it turns out later that he did go out, but it all went wrong for him.

Sunday i went to Touchwood to watch Death at a Funeral and i bumped into blondie and his friend who said i couldn't possibly go to the flicks on my own and then dragged me, not unwillingly, around Touchwood. Eventually we all went to a later showing.

We said goodbye, but about 30 mins later i got a text from blondie's friend asking to come around..well of course the answer was yes. So we spent evening watching films...

I love those sort of days....but i need friends of my own. How can i make them?

After last weeks hedonistic week, this has been quieter and somewhat sadder. This morning through, blondie signed onto msn early and seemed upset. I got him to phone me and his friend had dumped him. He seemed so unhappy, and offered to come round to his place and take him out this evening and told him i would phone him tonight.

I left work early and phoned him as soon as i got home to arrange to go round his house, but he wasn't at home. He told me he was in a country road not far from his friends house. I was not terribly impressed, although thinking back over the years i can imagine why he has done that. So, i'm staying in waiting for him to call back...

But.. well... i know, i know, story of my life arranging stuff and then other people not turning up...or just waiting for them to call...

I honestly wish i had friends that I could rely on...or someone to love me...

Either way i guess i wouldn't be sitting on my sofa on meds, crying...

Saturday morning i got a text from blondies friend about going out into town, me i was well up for it. Eventually blondie told me that we were meeting at 9:30, so i got dressed and headed into town. i set off a little early as i thought that the roads around pype hayes park would be heaving because of the firework display. The roads though were suprisingly clear so i set off on a mini pub crawl starting at the square peg and ending up at the sunflower lounge which was where i got the text from blondie to say that they were ready, so i headed down to loft lounge. Before i got there blondies friend called me, they were behind me so i turned around to go and meet them, Tey both walked past me, so i crept up behind them ninja-stylee!

Things basically went downhill from there onwards.

I have vague recollections of us meeting a couple who were selling botox...and then later a friend of blondie's who was with a rather strange blonde girl who later stole one of my drinks. I remember dancing for ages, with quick stops for the lads to go and have fags. Blondie kept buying my drinks, and the more i drank the more i danced! I am fairly sure that i was mamboing with blondie at one point, very badly due to the amount of alcohol.

Not really been feeling best, and my appetite has gone. Whilst on one hand i can always do with eating less, i do need to eat to function. Anyway last night i got home and was lying on my sofa feeling a wee bit sorry for myself whenthe phone rang. It was blondie with his bloke who were on route to come and take me out!

I got changed in double quick time, and eventually they arrived. Whilst we were chatting blondie's friend K asked me about being sick and i showed him what i was on, I had a feeling that it would be ok and he admitted it himself that he had been on anti-depressants. Later in town he said that blondie had mentioned it to him that i had said i was ill but blondie hadn't liked to ask. We went to a couple of bars and then onto a club. Music was varied, but ok enough to dance to; and i could see again why blondie liked his friend so much, but qalso why other friends feel that blondie is being manipulated. well maybe not so much manipulated as completely blinded by love.

I can understand what that's like, and i can kind of understand why...

I worry too much. But it has been so nice...

So i decided to go back onto medication. I've been resisting it for a while, but on the scale the doctors has for depression which is out of 27 i now rate a 25.

Which isn't good. The doctor suggested councilling, but honestly i think i'm just wrong.

New medication though is making me nausious (i know i've spelt that wrong...) and i'm not really eating properly.

I know i wanted to lose weight, but this wasn't actually the method i had in mind...

Today has been really difficult health-wise, but on the plus side i am getting promoted. woohoo.

Sadly i have no-one to celebrate with.

Nothing like feeling sick and feeling depressed and lonely. I long for friendship. I try and do the things that i think friends do, but i don't seem to get anything back in return.

fuckit, i am an idiot. i have far too much trust and faith in people than i really should. people aren't friends...

Gosh - just realised that I have lost nearly 2.5 stone!! How good is that. Looking at photos taken back in June eveni can see the difference. Blimey.

On the upside i've paid to go and see Dodgy next week! Sadly i'll be going on my own, but that seems to be my default setting.

Ever have one of those weekends where... well how do i begin?

Friday i hurried home from work to get the bus into town to meet up with bobs for a drink. ONly he didn't turn up and i sat in the square peg feeling like a bit of a square peg on my own. Whilst i was there i texted my friend blondie from work who said that i wasn't an idiot... but me, i'm not exactly sure.

I was a bit worried about him really, and well...me being me i hate seeing people unhappy.

So anyway i had quite a bit to drink and had a hangover Saturday. In my hungover state I decided to get my haircut which was a v bad idea as it's now quite short.

i texted bhav, but she didn't have much to say, texted blondie who phoned me back later and we had a chat. he had asked out his friend who i think said yes, So that was good. I told him that was i was meeting my first "date" from the dating agency which i think he thought was hilarious, but said he would ring afterwards. I seem to like him a lot more when he is with his friend, he seems less brittle. But that's maybe because he's not at work!

Sunday i met my date. wow. We had nothing in common at all. i must have talked for about 1.5hours of the 2 hours. I~T was rally painful. I texted blondie who phoned me later, although he hadn't actually got my text. He suggested meeting up later that night with his friend. I readily agreed!

i hit town first as they were stuck on the m6. his friend was crackers, but seemed to take to me and persuaded me that i should go home, followed by them, and thenthey would drive me back into town. so i agree. i had a lot of fun, drinking and dancing. his friend said stuff like i was adorable, which...well...you see i am inclined to believe people when they say things but it's always tempered with the fact that i am very much used to being an outsider. Still for just one night i felt like i was ok.

Of course the next day, today, things were different. It was just one night and now I'm back to being alone and not really fitting in anywhere.

Too many times i've been the girl to go to when things are wrong, but when things go right i'm alone again. I like being phoned and made to feel like i belong. It kind of reminds me of Aileen, and how hurt i was by that. Wow. that brings back so much. Put on toe out and it gets trodden on. ok well it's not the same really... but it just brings back those memories.

I don't want to feel like this, so down. Maybe i shouldn't go out at all if this is the downside...

I do wonder why i am so often alone. I think i'm nice enough, but i'm clearly not nice enough. i have to learn how, or maybe i'm too pushy. do i be more standoffish?

I don't know anymore. i just want to be somewhere or someone different.

So i had the interview and signed up with RSVP. I went for the middle ground of membership which was perhaps just as well. The interviewer said that she would be unlikely to be able to make any introductions as the majority of guys wanted slim girls. Kind of made me a little sad really.

Saturday night i was in Lem for a few peoples birthday parties... again makes me sad when i see someone obviously fancying a girl. It's just one of those things that even when i was skinny i never experienced.

Exam time is getting so close. I fully intend to do absolutely nothing apart from watch tv over the weekend, and look more closely at the RSVP events.

Oh and maybe play some Halo!

I get tired of being invisible. But it's going to take be so long to lose the weight to get to a dize that comes close to anything like normal. I wonder how i can last so long.

Then i remember that i have been single a long time so i must be able to withstand it.

So i decided to do something. I have an interview with RSVP on Saturday. It's a big step for me as i am still quite afraid. I get freaked out by guys, but i still want them.

Thats me...full of contradictions. But at least i'm facing facts that known of the guys i like...like me back. Which is a pity as i think i'm a good match for them both in different ways. I wonder why and as per usual i question God. I feel that I have a lot of love to give someone.

I'm sort of writing this in response to the last comment. Whoever wrote: no you don't sound
judgemental at all, i know it's true!

The frustrating part is, for example, there is a girl at work who is what you would call
conventionally attractive, ie she's skinny. And boy does she go on about being skinny, and how
her clothes are falling off her. But she acts so...so.. stoopid. Talking loudly about how she
doesn't do computers (i work in an IT office!),a nd that certain tasks are mens work, and she
gets confused about things....and...

The blokes flock to her desk.

I can assure you that they don't flock to me! It's frustrating and annoying as i certainly
don't want to bring myself to that. I'm smart, capable and adaptable.

Just pray/keep fingers crossed that I can continue with my weightloss journey.

Went to a quiz at Bhav's church last night. I'e not seen a church like it - it has
badminton courts! The people there seemed really friendly, and very welcoming. As well as Bhav
I also know someone else, someone who used to go to Brigades - which is cool.

I definately need to get my mind of things. And by things i mean men.

The one with whom i had an instant connection, and everyone commented on the chemisty
betwen us; but turned out to be married. It's weird but he never mentions his wife at all,
especially weird since she's pregnant. I'd hope that if it was i (unlikely i know) that i;d
ocasionally mention it.

And the one who i am really attracted to and is funny and smart but i am too fat...

But what would i rather be? Skinny and stupid with blokes, or fat and smart and single...

There has to be a middle ground.

For just a few hours it was as if I had found a place for myself in the world. A place where i wasn't a sad and lonely single person, weighed down not just by weight but by grief and the knowledge of a life that was the one i wanted. Instead i could be smart and funny, and listen to those who are far smarter than me, and who can make me laugh and think.

Yes a stone gathering! Madcap came from Florida, and Blindside, dee and Grissy were waiting for me. Later dark n kinky turned up. I drove down to Teddington, getting hopelessly lost along the way. That involved me going the wrong way on the m25, and the m3! Still, it was an experience, and i went over the dartford bridge. The day was spent chilling out at the anglers and talking (well, mostly madcap and blindside) and the stone, sci-fi, cons, going through a book called if to learn more about ourselves and each other.

It's so rare for me to not feel different.

I'm torturing myself with someone that I like...as is normal he doesn't like me, and yet i still torture myself.

I'm still losing weight, albeit slowly. I hope to be close to 13 stone by the end of this year. It's certainly acheivable, but as part of my getting a life i seem to be invited to things which involve eating. Food and i don't really get along. I can't stop myself and i get afraid to eat stuff that i don't know the calorific content of it. The Zenical helps though. My other worry is, if i lose this weight...will guys still not want me? I'd like think that I could be a good girlfriend to someone...

Well i'm sat here crying, so you can guess that they never turned up.

Sometimes i think there must be something wrong with me, well maybe not sometimes...most of the time. I am trying to be good and grownup and not passive agressive. I guess they can't know the time i spent getting things ready, getting food and drink in...

Through the tears i tell myself that there has to be someone out there who would like me even just as a friend and would turn up or at least tell me if they aren't going to...

I'm at home, two people are supposed to be coming around this evening. I've been in this position before and been let down and left alone. I hope they turn up...

Just feeling blue. I keep praying to God that I will find someone, but it just seems like a joke when i do meet someone. Someone who has similliar interests and is funny and smart. Then turns out to be married.

I guess given how old I am now, the chances of me meeting anyone have now gone for ever. I don't really understand why God would do this. Why would he make someone who gew up starved of affection, but with abig heart so that despite that they wanted to give it. Why would God do thatm, and then decide that they should never be with anyone. Why?

I've not written in ages... new job is taking over my life and this level 3 course is requiring so much work.

Or is it that i bought FFXII and i spend too long playing it?

i did manage to get all the way through the block in time for my tutorial. I was the only one in the group who had! I tried to do part 1 over the weekend, but failed miserably. A mixture of sheer laziness and lack of inspiration.

Nearly finished block 3, I had hoped to have completely gone through it by the next tutorial. However, as the tutorial is this Saturday i'm not going to meet that. I'm close though. I can't wait for my holiday, so that i can get some good studying in.

I made myself quite a nice curry last night. Onions fried off with chicken, curry powder, a little water and some tinned toms (although next time i don't think I would bother with the water). It was pretty good, and quite healthy with the onions and toms. No cream, or coconut milk.

My clients are going to find out today that i am no longer working for them. It's quite sad for me, as the people were great and I loved working with them. I am having second thoughts, but whats done is done. I am the queen of bad choices and decisions.

Well they have now found out - several of them were congratulating me. I think they thought that I had a promotion or pay rise or something. I wish. Sometimes i think that i am too stupid to progress.

I am a little down, as I really enjoying working with my clients. In fact it was hugs all round, which i think shows what our relationship was like.

Still, in some ways it was time to move on, I am hoping that I can get a promotion here and perhaps look at going into project management.

I don't know whether or not i should buy a replacement ASAP. I've ordered MS Money, as well as a copy of The Secret (for inspiration) and i could load it onto my work pc as a temporary measure. I've got so much downloaded stuff to watch that i don't need to download anything else (and i definately wouldn't do that on my work pc), I can suf the net on my work one at home, and type up my essays on my work one (which is better as it has a more up to date version of word on it, and boy was i glad that this time i did it on my work one and not my home one as i really would have been gutted if i had lost my tma.

ow that tma03 is gone it feels like a massive weight has been lifted. I've got throught he part of the block on the second sophistic, and i hope i won't need to look at it again. The next part is about religion which is much more to my taste. Plus it has Pliny who is favourite read of mine. Having read other authors I find i can now appreciate his clear writing.

I've decided that i am going to try and eat more healthily. I am starting the day with a glass of OJ.

i got a call back from BT saying that they were going to waive the charges. Looking around onthe net it seems that a simillar thing has happened to other people, where BT never really came outright and said that there would be a charge, and also never said how much they charge if there was going to be a charge. And that everyone seems to think that to replace a faceplate that 189 plus vat is too much.

I'm really not impressed with it. Although i am pleased that they waived the charge.

I bought a Tesco finance package to replace Money, but it doesn't really do everything i need. I had rather come to rely on money's forecasting, so i think i may end up buying it anyway. I wonder if i could persuade PC world, if i bought a new pc or laptop if they would throw in a copy of money for free... it's worth a try

Do you remember when i had a fault with my phone line and an engineer came out and changed the face plate? Well i had my quarterly BT phone bill through and they want to charge me 200 pounds for it.

I am frankly astonished at this as a) i was told i woudl only have to pay if the problem was with an extension to my phone line (which i don't have) and b) 200 quid for a 15 min visit is to be blunt ludicrous.

I phoned up, as i originally didn't know what the charge was for (it was not itemised on the bill at all, just noted as payment charges), which i don't think is good. I would at least expect the bill to note that it was an engineer charge. I got through 3 different people, none of whom could do anything. I started getting upset, as quite frankly i can't afford to pay that much in one bill right now. I kept asking and asking to speak to a manager, but was told that the manager could do nothing. Eventually the last but one person i spoke to agreed to put the "disputed" amount on hold, and someone from the department could call me back. Unfortunately this department works shorter hours than I do, so thats know good for me. I was frustrated.

I could have gone with other companies, but decided to stick with BT out of loyalty, however I am thinking against that now. I kept on insisting that i speak to a manager and the agent kept saying that the manager couldn't do anything and why did i want to speak to them. I explained several times that it was just for me, that i wanted to feel as if i had spoken to someone who could take some kind of responsiblity, even if it was only to tell me in person that they couldn't do anything.

I mean, i've worked for too many years in the service industry to know that sometimes the client just wants to speak to someone higher up even if that person higher up can't do anything!

Eventually i did get through to a manager who said that he personally would phone me back on Mionday to let me know the status and agreed that i should just pay the normal service charge (which I am happy to do, and kept saying to the agent that i wanted to pay and that i was a loyal customer who WANTED to pay).

I've looked on the openreach website and according to that their charges are in fact 85 quid call out and 5 quid for parts. Now, 90 quid i could deal with, as that is simillar to a call out charge for a plumber or electrician or the like.n But 200 quid... i am gobsmacked.

I would be willing to pay that amount... but oh i am so tired.

It's not really been a good week for me.

On the other hand I am close to finishing my TMA. I've done the biblio and put in the question titles into the final document.

Tomorrow i'm going to go over part 1 and hopefully finish writing part 2. Well, it's have to be a bit more than hopefully as it is due on Tuesday...

I think i'm going to go and have a Gin now, as I have a headache after getting so upset at BT.

I dropped my PC off at PCworld last night, and i found out this mornign that they did get to look at it last night. My pc is as dead as a very dead thing. So i'm going to be shopping for a new PC this weekend i feel. He couldn't tell me if my harddrive is ok - and i don't have anything i can test it against- although i guess if i do buy a new pc, i can try it as a slave drive, or the guy at pc world suggested an external caddy which is perhaps not a bad idea if my hd is fried.

I'd been umming and arring about a new pc for a while anyway - so i guess now i have to think about do i want a desktop or a laptop as i used it mainly for listening to music and watching films. My gaming is now console based, so being able to upgrade

I was having one of those moments last night, where everything seems really bad, and then as i was flicking through the TV as i was finding it hard to settle down to study "blind young things" came on, and there was this really positive guy called Dan on it - and it just made me see that things were not that bad after all.

I am so glad that I am well ahead with my TMA, as due to having to drop my pc off at pc world tonight, again i'm probably going to be too tired to really do much. What i have been doing is going through some of the "offprints" (Scholarly articles about various subjects to do with AA309) and marking things that i want to quote and comment on. Not getting anything done, but come Saturday when i have all the time in the world to write, i then have things that i can go straight to ad get stuck into. So i guess it's not completely time wasted.

Wel i got to Comet, and despite being told by their customer services that even if the pc centre was closed, i could still leave my pc - in fact i couldn't. I was so upset as it turns out that their it helpdesk centrey thing is only open during office hours - well thats no good to me! They tried to find who gave me this info, but as i phoned from work it would have been a withheld number.

I phoned pcworld instead and got it booked in for Wednesday, and they have promised me that i could drop it off the night before. If it turns out that i can't i am going to be seriously pissed off.

I felt so squished and squashed and generally down that i have had a good cry. The girl on the pcworld booking line did cheer me up with her interpretation of how to pronounce Wednesbury though! I told her that she had made me laugh for the first time that day - i hope that that gave her a good feeling!

But after that i still feel down, as if nothing goes right for me.

I know the answer is to change me...but how did i get rid of these old patterns and get new, happier, nmore successful ones?

Feeling squished today. Last night by PC died. I think it has something to do with the power, as it doesn't get as far as even trying to boot up. That should mean that all the stuff on my hard drive is safe, but i have no idea if it's fixable or not.

I had thought to drop it off at comet tonight, but i had forgotten that i have a work thing in the early part of the evening. Hopefully comet will still be open by the time i am done.

It does mean that i probably won't write any more of my tma tonight, but i am well ahead and have typed up everything i have written so far, abnd edited so that it is starting to come together.

And i suppose it's a good thing that i have been typing my tma on my work laptop! I would have been gutted.

As it is, the only thing that would be annoying would be to lose all of the Nerina stuff, but i'm going to be positive and think that my data is ok.

I had been thinking for a while about getting a portable HDD, gosh don't i wish i had now. Still, if the pc is broke and can't be fixed and the data CAN be saved, i will have to think about a replacement. The only stipulations are that it has a dvd writer and MS money!

i decided to do part one instead, and am making a lot of headway with it, i did nearly 400 words over the weekend, which means just a little to finish off tonight, and i might even try and type it up. Then i nearly have two full weeks to work on my essay, which is not coming together. I am hoping that i can at least write a little and keep on top until my tutorial.

I rode my bike a little, and hopefully i can keep doing that each weekend. ~I can't see myself doing it during the week now that i am well into TMA season.

I picked up my new bike, which i swear is bigger than the last one, still it's ok! I had forgotten how painful it is on the backside, like sitting on a razor. I'm also so unfit that it was actually less tiring to walk to the bike shop than it was to cycle back from it. Still i am going to try and do 30 mins each Saturday and Sunday. I can get up early, which means that there is less chance of a bad person seeing my cycle and then following me home and breaking in.

Or something.

I'm not sure about during the week, this course is taking so much time....Although i am most procrastinating. I am finding it very difficult to get into the rhythm of writing tmas. I have two days to do my next one, which just about comes under the 100 words a day. I just don't know where to begin! Especially since i going on a team night out tomorrow, which means that no work wil be done.

it's been so long since i have written.

I have started my new job, and it is keeping me very busy. Which is good, but i am having second thoughts about it career-wise, but whats done is done.

In my new team we aren't allowed to used the web, so so much falls by the wayside.

On the upside i'm getting a bike. I've put a deposit and should be picking it up tomorrow. It's quite a nice one, and i'm going to keep it inside the house so it doesn't get stolen!

money-wise things are tight, but i'm just about surviving. I'm bringing sandwiches into work, which should save me a bit. And keep me away from chips!

I finally got my new glasses. I don't think i will go back to Asda, as i am still not completely happy with the fit, but at least the prescription is ok this time. I do need to get some new sunglasses, as i've had my old ones for at least 3 years! I want to get some nice ones with diamonte trim, but anything cool would be good.

Shrove Tuesday. I'm not going to give anything up for Lent. Instead i'm going to do something with a more positive spin. I'm going to do 10 mins of exercise each day. It doesn't sound much, but when you are as overweight as i am, 10 mins is better than the nothing i am currently doing. I'm basically aiming to have done a little over an hour each week. I know it's under the recommended amount, but i'm going to start small and work upwards.

I've decided to do tha half day beadlooming course in nottingham. I think it would be a nice way to spend a Saturday. I wonder if there is anything else in Nottingham that i could see in the afternoon?

i've been working my way through block one, and started on block two of my new course. I do need to start my TMA, but i feel so daunted by it. The first tutorial is really very close to the hand in time for the TMA, but i am somewhat loathe to start it until I've had guidance. It is "only" 800 words, and even at my usual rate of 100 words a night, it is still weeks worth.

I shan't be doing any studying tonight as we have a charity event at work, and i'm taking part. However, i am pleased that I am keeping a good deal ahead, as i am sure that when i eventually start my new role i shall be quite tired from all of the new learning!

I've got Thursday booked off, and i was going to do a Tiara course, but now i've decided not i'm not sure what to do. I should probably be really good and spend the day studing hard going through more of block two, but i would also really like to go to the British Museum and sketch roman jewellery, and go through more of the ancient rome collection...

I've also been looking at prices of some activities, so that i don't have the excuse of not doing something because it's raining. Walking is free, but as i mentioned before i don't really want to do it locally, and i'm not really keen on walking in the rain.

I like Ceroc, but it's now 7 quid. I could go swimming on a tuesday or wednesday at the pool on the vale for 2.60, i don't know what the pool is like, but as they are adult only sessions, it could be really empty which would be good.

Combat classes are 3.60 at Wyndley which isn't bad.

Maybe i should have a short skate on Thursday? It wouldn't be dreadful good value for money, as i can only last a short time on the ice

I had a lovely birthday dinner at the creperie, so nice to meet up with people and chat about stuff.

I want to do more exercise, but i am essentially quite lazy. Ceroc would be good, as i don't need to go each week, so when i am better (my cold is not completely gone, and i am still wheezing and coughing and blowing my nose), i'm going to look into going again.

Watching dancing on ice has got me enthused about skating again, but i remember the pain after only 10 mins that i would get in my feet. I think i need to lose a lot of weight, so i haven't got some much pressure on my feet. Walking is very good and free, but i am not over keen on walking around my neighbourhood in the evenings. I did start working on weekends, and i'd like to pick that up again. Exercise classes of some form would be good, somethign like body combat again. It's just that i have to travel to the centre of sutton to do it, and i have been trying to cut down on petrol. The sports centre on the vale doesn't seem to do much of an evening. The classes i want to do such as combat are really too early for me on a weekday, but there are a couple of balance classes that i could make. Not really fat burning, in fact not fat burning at all, but at least i would be doing something...

Happy Birthday to me! Thank you Richard for his comment!

Also Happy Wedding day to Nerina, and good luck with the BRITS tonight!

I have pizza, and a bottle of Jacobs Creek sparkling Rose to celebrate your win (i may be disappointed, but i have faith!)

I've been full of cold lately. Birthday tomorrow. Mum is getting me pliers, which i am looking forward to! She bought me a small set, which i didn't ask for and boy are they small! Still, she has very kindly bought me cutters too, which i didn't ask for but did want. So i am set to make more jewellery now.

My glasses from Asda look nice, but the fit is very poor, and i'm not convinced that my right lens is right. They are ok for close work, and for large images, but sitting on my sofa i can't read the small writing on my PVR...oh well i have to decide if it's just the fit that means that the lens is in the wrong place, or the whole lens is wrong. Next time i'll go back to the opticians. More expensive, but i haven't had poor fit yet. I still have a little money squirreled away from the sum i took out to remortgage, so i will have a think.

For my birthday night i think i'm going to buy a pizza, some fizzy wine and dips and watch Nerina win the BRITS. She'd better win...

I'm going to be taking on a new role at work, i eventually went for the non-grade promotion, as there seems more opportunities there. I could be wrong, but it does seem the right time to move on.

I had an interview for another role on Friday. It went well. Trouble is that it is for the same grade, and again with no sign of promotion. I have applied for yet another role too, this time with a grade promotion, but haven't heard a peep about that one yet.

The non-grade promotion role sounds ok, it's more admin than anything else, but the fact that there is no promotion is depressing me. And i really do mean that.

I keep praying to God for guidance, but i don't seem to get an answer.

Just as a wrote that, i got an email from the team lead for the non-grade role. Maybe that's a sign. It will be very weird have someone so much younger than myself as a boss. I feel as if i must be very stupid to not be able to advance at all.

I'm not feeling too hot at the moment. Generally tired and achy, but no sniffles or coughs or anything. All i really want to do i lie down and sleep...

My mortgage details from Nationwide finally came through! I have to pay about 160 pounds extra in February, which definately leaves me with enough money left over to buy some new glasses. I can imagine that the bill for those is going to be around 300 pounds, because i do need the ultra-thin, super-light lenses. My frame will probably only be around the 70 pound mark! Still, i should get about 150 quid from BHSF, so it will be worth it.

I had a wonderful time seeing Nerina at the Warwick arts centre. She played and sang beautifully. I met up with Paul, and made a new friend, Leanne. I even saw the guy who took the picture of Nerina and I back in May, and he has promised that he will post it to me. I hope he does. Nerina did a signing session after the gig, which was nice. I got "all good people" signed, and i let her do glasses and a moustached on the picture of her face! I don't think she does it so much now that she is getting more well known! She's getting married on my birthday...well ok it's Valentines day! Her fiancee was there last night too, helping out on the merch stand, so with that, her little sister being head merch and her mum and dad in the audience it was a family affair!

I feel a bit down today. I think it's because last night was so good, and i had a great time meeting fab people that going back into work is a depressing let down. I have a work thing on Friday which i know don't want to do. Although i'm sure a good nights sleep tonight will help. Trouble is i have a wedding do on Saturday night, so i am going to be exhausted on Sunday.

I haven't written much in a while, partly due to having a large number of powercuts. It's quite a depressing experience sitting alone in the dark and cold. My mum back to her normal ways of saying what exactly did i want her to do.

Some things don't change.

My friend Claire that i managed to get in touch with had her baby. So lucky.

The beading course in Nottingham was great. Next time, and i hope that there will be a next time, i would probably catch the train from Tamworth instead as it would save me about 30 mins. That doesn't sound like a lot, but after a long day and you are just dying to get home it makes a big difference.

I got the tram from the train station which meant that it was really easy to get to the shop. The shop is really nice, all purple and blonde wood, with a lovely light workshop room above the shop. The instructor, Natalie was nice (a bit of a biscuit fiend!) and showed me a little of the beadlook work, which i would love to do next. I now feel quite confident that i could make basic earrings and necklaces.

My budget is completely shot to pieces. It's mainly to do with the car costing so much to keep going. Next month i will have OU fees to pay too, i do wonder if this might have to be my last year, as i simply may not be able to afford to do much more.

I think i have those post-christmas blues. Without on-call money my budget is very tight. I'm quite decided that i will give up buying n-rev mag, and i won't eat out (apart from my birthday, but i am only going to the peartree so my bill will be under 15 quid), and i'm not going to buy a game for my wii unless i sell a game i already have, or sell books or Cds instead. i try not to have my heater on in the evenings to save an electricity. Instead i put two blankets over me and my snuggle socks on my feet. The cat is going back onto tins, as they are much cheaper than pouches. As i'm at slimming world i do realise that i spend a fiver a week on this, but then again i'm not spending 20 quid a week on lunches, so that i think is a good saving. The things i want, such as books, i am using the on call money that i saved up in December. It sounds silly, but then again i don't go out at weekends spending pounds on alcohol. At least with books, i can enjoy them again and again.

I do want to go on beading courses, so i am hoping that i can pay for those by making some nice stuff and selling it to mum or my sister.

There are somethings that i need to buy such as new glasses. It's very expensive, but at least i will get some back from the BHSF, which is useful. I also have to buy some new boots, and my old ones broke. I'm currently wearing brown shoes with my black clothes, which doesn't look ideal really. Plus boots are better in winter, the shoes are not waterproof and given that it's both windy and rainy i need adequate foot protection!

I think that both of those come before books...

Well i only got 9 our of ten right on the audition for the national lottery peoples quiz yesterday - so i was rather bummed out about that. Then things went from bad to worse. My mum had her car stolen. She was so cut up about it. She had stopped at a post box to post a letter, and left the kets in the ignition. A hoodie leapt into the car whilst she was posting the letter and sped off. We aren't sure if insurance will pay out because of this. Apparently it will take about a month to organise. My mum was crying saying it was the only car she ever liked, both my sister and i drove around trying to see if we could spot the car.

The car had my mums handbag, and moby in it. The thief phoned me on my mobile, and wanted to know where i was. I told him i was at the police station, and they put the phone down sharpish.

I am so sick and tired of bad things happening to my family.

I've restarted SW. I like the consultant there, unfortunately she's that good that she's going to train to become a district manager, so will be leaving. I hope that they do get someone to replace her, as if not it would mean two classes that i have joined which have closed! It was a quiet class, but not so surprising especially since the weather wasn't that good. And also that the normal place where it is held was closed because the roof had caved in! Still, i'm doing okish.

Tomorrow i have off as i'm taking my car to be mot'd and serviced. I am quite literally praying that they can fix a problem i have with my indicator. By taking tomorrow off, it gives them Friday and Saturday to fix it, so i'm hoping that that will be possible. Otherwise i might have to try and beg monday off too. We'll see.

This is such a stressful time of year! My mortgage should be going through next Monday, so when i get the letter from the solicitors i hope that it gives a final settlement of 2k, otherwise i am going to struggling somewhat. I do have the money, but it takes 10 days to reach me and then further time for me to get to the bank and deposit the cheque. I hate doing things this way. I do have a little money in my isa, so i may end up doing some shifting of funds around tomorrow.

I can't remember if i mentioned it, but as a result of putting my email address in my old school's old girls letter i heard from a friend. From her i got the email address of another friend! It is a little depressing though as everyone seems much more together/happy/successful then me.

It's hard sometimes not to think that i am wrong...