I wish i had known what to do so that I could have salvaged two relationships. Blondie says that we are still friends, but we haven't really talked in about three weeks. I miss that.

I am a bad person.

It's amazing what can happen in 4 weeks.

So i have now told them, that i can't be friends with them both. I am so sad, as for just a few weeks i felt happy and wanted...i think the thing i will miss most is the affection.

It's time for endings and new beginnings...

I'm going out with some work colleagues tonight, although i really feel so tired. Saturday i think i'm giong to rest, watch TV, maybe play some xbox. i want to go dancing, but i now have to go alone. I wouldn't mind...but it's the company that i also need/want/crave.

I'm hoping that the choir will help give me something to focus on in the new year, and of course i have my final ou course.

I am selfish, always thinking about me...me..me...

Although not being friends with either is a big sacrifice.

I want to be a better person and a better friend. How do i learn to do this, without hurting other people?

I wish i had someone to confide in.

There has to be a way for me to become a better person.

I've told Blondie and Orion what i decided and neither has responded. Maybe it's better this way.

Maybe.

Well, the two are still together. I did speak to Blondie last night, and he said that he realised that it wasn't my fault, although still said that someone else would have physically stopped him... but maybe these things have to happen.

Today though he's back to not speaking; but i decided to give him their xmas presents anyway.

I think i should face facts that i'm not a people person.

I've made a decision that it woul dbe better if i wasn't friends with either anymore.

I can see now why i am single, but i think this is the best decision for both.

Anyone who says now that I am selfish...well they are mistaken as it was a hard decision for me to make. If i was selfish i would stay friends with both as i am desperate for friends, and for people to go out with...i could go out alone...but i'm not sure i want to anymore. How safe? How fun is it just dancing alone?

Well as per usual i ruin everyone's life.

Orion has mentioned to me that he wanted to audtion for BB, and i heard on the radio on SAturday that the auditions were in bham. So i phoned him and he agreed that i could pick him up and give it a whirl. By the time we got to Millennium Point it all seemed to be over, so we went for a chat in town.

He assured me that things were good, that what Blondie said to me about bothering him and telling him about my health problems wasn't an issue for him. We decided to go dancing in town.

I drove him back to his house to pick up some stuff, then back to mine for me to change and then into town. We hit a few bars and then went to the gale.

It was there that it all went wrong. We met a guy i know and Orion rather liked him. To cut a long story short Orion went off with the guy.

I felt so guilty about everything, especially on Monday when Blondie told me that he asked ORion if anything had happened and he had told him no. Orion eventually confessed, but Blondie blames me completely.

i didn't feel up to going to the quiz on my won, so i asked Bhav if she wanted to, she was out with some of her friends but invited me to join them after they had finished eating. Which i duly did.

We went to Loft Lounge and chatted for a coupkle of hours, mostly fairly weighty discussions about religion. I was still not terribly up though.

Leaving at ten, as we were about to part our ways guess who i bumped into? Correct. Blondie and Orion. As Blondie has sent a text saying that there were no issues, no bridges to build etc etc i decided to join them. I'm not sure how happy Blondie was about that, but Orion was cool, and we went back into Loft Lounge and then onto Missing later. Some dancing, and Blondie pulled the hood of my coat right over me and tied it up with a double knot..so i think things are getting better.

However, he still won't do lunch with me as per usual, and it hink it unlikely that we will ever go out together, more if we bump into each other it will be ok...

That makes me sad on a selfish note, as i don't like going out on my own...i don't feel terribly safe. But i have a choice now of going out alone, or not going out at all...

I asked im to lunch again today, but he just walked off...The stuff he doesn't want to deal with he just ignores...

Y'know, what i did, it surely wasn't bad enough to deserve this.

I guess he wants me to be a work friend only. Well i can understand about not confiding in me - although of course if i hadn't they would probably have never spoken again.

I wish i had a close friend of my own.

Last night i went to carol singing at the gale. It was quite festive!

I had another lonely night. I was hoping to see either Blondie or Orion, but no dice. I could have stayed at home being sad and lonely but decided to go out regardless. I was in the mood for dancing, but couldn't find any night that i fancied going to.

So i went to the cinema instead.

I am so lonely. Blondie is so closed off these days. Maybe quite rightly. But i am unhappy and lonely.

Orion promised to text me today, but i know that he won't. I'm lonely.

I'm lonely, lonely lonely. I'm sick and lonely.

I dunno how long i can last.

Even when i had someone they didn't want to spend time with me...i must truly be a terrible, terrible person.

I think he enjoys seeing me unhappy and lonely, as he no longer is. Not that i ever enjoyed seeing him that way.

I don't want to be a jealous person, but oh how i wish for someone of my own. I know my faults, and i try to conquer them.

The choir never contacted me back, but tonight i'm thinking about going to a pub quiz...on my own...

I'm hoping that i will be able to join a team and perhaps make some friends...

The lonliness is killing me

I decided to join a choir. I've sent through an email about joining, i'm guessing that i'll prob leave it to the New Year, but that's only a few weeks away and it gives me something to look forward to.

For those of you who were wondering...it's called Rainbow voices...

I went home sick at lunch time. The pain was too great today, and i just couldn't take it. Blondie wished me get well soon, and he did say a few words to me when i asked him if he wanted to go to lunch. So maybe we are getting back on track.

I did a bad thing, but then he was vicious too...

Me, i'm too impatient. I have trouble with time and how slowly it goes...

I want what i want, hence selfish. But the fact that i recognise this...and i acknowledge it, what does that mean?

I want to invite the pair over to my house to finish watching bring it on....but is it too soon? Would it be the right thing to do? Would Blondie say no, and then i would be upset?

Do i over think things? Yes.

So anyway. Bit of a mixed weekend. Went to see the baebes at Birmingham Cathedral. I got there an hour and half early, which meant i was first in the queue! Result! The gig was ace, the room packed out and the now 6 of them were on top form.

I got a message from Orion to say that he was having drinks with Blondie. They are back together again...

After the gig i was quite hyper so decided to go dancing, but i had a message from Orion say that they were going to do that too. I offered to leave, but Orion said that everything would be cool.

Anyway, about an hour or so after i got there, they turned up. I felt a bit weird about it. We danced, but there was definately something not right in my eyes between me and blondie. Anyway, at one point we went up and sat on some sofas, blondie next to orion who sat next to me. We chatted for a bit, and then Orion turned around and said to myself and blondie - "eventually the two of you are going to have to speak to each other", where upon we both kind of mumbled that we were. But i felt a bit weird. We tried to make conversation, but in typical Blondie-fashion it was all put downs, which i can normally take. But when you are trying to get things back on track again it's hard.

Orion insisted that everything was ok..but maybe it was just me...

I did text Blondie the next day about it being weird, but he just sent a short one back saying that he didn't think it was.

But that message alone told it all.

Or maybe it's me. Gentle reader, you know how much i over analyse.

Orion said that he would phone me the next day. I think that's what gets to me the most. You see, if i say i'm going to phone or do something then i do it. I don't understand, and start thinking i've done something to offend.

On the downside, i guess now that they are back together and Blondie wants to keep work and personal separate i will not see Orion again. I am quite a selfish person i have realised.

Or maybe they come into your life so that you can see the error of your ways. Whilst i think it's true that not everything Blondie says was true, it was also pretty bad, well ok it was fucking awful of me to get drunk with Orion and then end up on the phone to blondie in front of orion (although he was asleep). Orion decided to tell Blondie that we were together at the time, and quite rightly Blondie was angry. Well angry doesn't cover it really.

I have seen the error of my ways. I'm not a warm person, I am a terrible, horrible, bad person. And i sit and wonder why i have no friends, no-one to confide in.

Maybe i saw Orion and told him how hurt i was about Blondie ignoring me because it made me feel good to have someone who just for a few moments wanted to listen to me.

I have hurt Blondie so badly, which considering how much I care about him is not good. I am surprised that he is still speaking to me I(on and off) really.

Maybe, i shouldn't speak to people.

I am a selfish person, as I have so often been told. All i think about is me, and what i want, and how i can get it. I listen to other people though, but ultimately i do what i want.

I can't apologise enough, and i know that I have ruined what was a promising friendship.

I will use this to learn though.

What i want right now is a hug. But i'm going to try and think about how i can be good to other people instead.

Again it's been a weird time. I've seen Orion a few times, but I can see him going downhill, and I can't keep him up particularly if we go out as i get panic attacks. Still, now that he's decided to withdraw from the world i am sad as I get lonely and i am an affectionate little person who loves to be hugged. I hope he decides to remain in touch not just for me as he makes me laugh, but I hope that i can be a positive influence in his life and encourage him not to drink and to feel better about himself as i think he's a top bloke.

Blondie on the other hand is very down, it makes me down as I hate to see people in pain. But on the other hand i have seen some of the things he has texted to Orion which are lies, For example he said that It made me happy to see the two of them together... which i haven't said. Also that he is always there for me and helps me everyday. Which he doesn't. I have mentioned to him several times about being lonely and that it would help me if he came over to my house...but of course he doesn't.

I am trying not to be down about it, and to think of the good things that Orion has said about me...that i am a warm-hearted person who cares a great deal. Somewhere out there there has to be a someone who would like a warm-hearted girlfriend...

Sometimes people come into your life for just a short while, for a reason. Maybe he came into mine so that I can see that I am a good person at heart, who wants to help others and that people do actually like me.