Mostly everything is just the same. Blondie sasying that he wants to talk, but then never does. Orion saying that he is always there for me, but never is.

So instead i try and fill up my days with other stuff. It's not as satisfying as a friendship or relationship, but at least it keeps me occupied.

I've decided that i'm going to go for my CCNA, hard work - but yet another thing that will keep me occupied, and will give me more options.

See, despite what Blondie says about me being miserable all the time, and doing nother - it's not true. Why this year alone, i've joined a choir, and a roller derby team. started swimming and made friends with tatman. It just so happens that none of it really takes away the lonliness, but at least i'm doing something.

Feeling very lonely. No-one to talk to who really cares about me (apart from tat man, but he is work only as he has a family which is cool and i understand). With Orion and Blondie back together, neither really wants me. Seems as if i am good to have around if someone wants to moan and whinge, but other than that i'm cast aside...

Dave said no, so i wasn't wrong.

My life feels a bit like a roller coaster, or a roundabout. Some sort of fairground ride anyway.

I was quite upset last night, and lashed out at Dave and his comments of a while back about how i can't socialise with him. He's now denying he said it and won't speak to me. I've apologised and said that if i misunderstood than why not come with me to a quiz on Sunday. But he either doesn't reply or says no, Which kind of proves my point.

And i told Melindry that i liked her and was told that she only sees me as a friend.

I have got Blondie to admit that he has been avoiding me (as he doesn't want to talk about him and Orion,and has no desire to hear about any of my problems so clearly that all i was useful for). But no actual interest in trying to get things better.

So whichever way i have nothing.

Well not nothing. I'm glad i have roller derby. That keeps me so busy at least two times a week, and exercise definately helps lift my mood. I was a little too tired to go swimming on Monday and i really noticed it.

Been a busy weekend. Friday night was a friends Hen do and Dave's birthday. I did a bit of the hen do, and then picked up Orion who told me that he and Blondie were split up.

And well, i just don't fancy writing about it all. Needless to say, i think they might be back together again.

It's exhusting.

But Blondie keep saying that he's ok, and that's always ok and why wouldn't he be. Yet on Friday Orion was going around saying that he is single, not getting back with Blondie etc etc.

And now Orion is responding to any texts. Whatever.

End of hte road methinks.

I am selfish. I fancied going to subway city last night for the 90's night. I texted Orion, who seemed up for it, and in fact phoned me during choir prac to confirm that i would pick him up straight after choir prac. I phoined him as i was leaving practice, but it went straight through to vm. I then got a text saying he wasn't going ot come.

I was a bit peeved, as this is the second time in two weeks that he has said yes, and then let me down at the last minute. I was peevish via text, and got along reply back that he was tired etc etc and i know (well i hope it was true, and not that in fact he decided to go out with Blondie) that it was true.

I guess when you don't understand the whole picture.... but then again, he had said several times that he was up for it, and it was only as i was leaving to pick him up that i got the cancellation...

Maybe he'll phone me today, maybe he won't.

Maybe that's what i need, friends who won't always let me down.

And, well, if Orion doesn't get back in touch i'm learning that it's his loss, not mine.

I wish so much could be different. The Blondie and I were proper friends, but it's gone...

At least i have choir and skating. It doesn't give me the companionship i desire, but it keeps my mind occupied.

Sunday night i finally got to see Orion. We had a good long chat. Trouble is, he was telling me the same things he said 8 months ago; ie that he's not happy being with Blondie because Blondie is rude, arrogant etc etc and that people make comments about Blondie paying for everything.

I didn't want to get embroiled again (although it would be different to last time, as Blondie doesn't speak to me anymore), so i suggested that maybe the pair of them need to speak to a third party. As, let's face facts, Blondie isn't going to change (or, at least, not over night), and Orion believes that he will always be as he is (although i did say, you can't say never). So, then what?

Some sort of relationship therapy? To which Orion flat out said no. I asked him if it was as before, that he wants Blondie to either tire of him, or get angry enough with him and dump him.

Honestly, from the outside it doesn't look or sound healthy.

I pointe dout that when i have seen the two of them together, the seem happy. But Orion said, it's because he is out on the town. Unlike before though, i don't feel any confliction, or any impunction to tell Blondie.

Whether i hear from Orion, or not, we are friends. I realise now that he has a lot of other demands on his time, and thats cool. I would love a friend that i could see even just once a week, though. But hey.

I am also more aware that the way people (ok, Blondie) are, is not about me. Maybe i have made a lot of mistakes, but i'm only human. And i admit them, and am trying my hardest to overcome the way i am, that meant i made them. I might fail, but it won't be through lack of trying.

Blondie will never be the friend i think he is. He claims it wasn't one-sided, but then goes on to say that not everyone needs to know everything. Well, that to me is one-sided.