I'm sort of writing this in response to the last comment. Whoever wrote: no you don't sound
judgemental at all, i know it's true!

The frustrating part is, for example, there is a girl at work who is what you would call
conventionally attractive, ie she's skinny. And boy does she go on about being skinny, and how
her clothes are falling off her. But she acts so...so.. stoopid. Talking loudly about how she
doesn't do computers (i work in an IT office!),a nd that certain tasks are mens work, and she
gets confused about things....and...

The blokes flock to her desk.

I can assure you that they don't flock to me! It's frustrating and annoying as i certainly
don't want to bring myself to that. I'm smart, capable and adaptable.

Just pray/keep fingers crossed that I can continue with my weightloss journey.

Went to a quiz at Bhav's church last night. I'e not seen a church like it - it has
badminton courts! The people there seemed really friendly, and very welcoming. As well as Bhav
I also know someone else, someone who used to go to Brigades - which is cool.

I definately need to get my mind of things. And by things i mean men.

The one with whom i had an instant connection, and everyone commented on the chemisty
betwen us; but turned out to be married. It's weird but he never mentions his wife at all,
especially weird since she's pregnant. I'd hope that if it was i (unlikely i know) that i;d
ocasionally mention it.

And the one who i am really attracted to and is funny and smart but i am too fat...

But what would i rather be? Skinny and stupid with blokes, or fat and smart and single...

There has to be a middle ground.

For just a few hours it was as if I had found a place for myself in the world. A place where i wasn't a sad and lonely single person, weighed down not just by weight but by grief and the knowledge of a life that was the one i wanted. Instead i could be smart and funny, and listen to those who are far smarter than me, and who can make me laugh and think.

Yes a stone gathering! Madcap came from Florida, and Blindside, dee and Grissy were waiting for me. Later dark n kinky turned up. I drove down to Teddington, getting hopelessly lost along the way. That involved me going the wrong way on the m25, and the m3! Still, it was an experience, and i went over the dartford bridge. The day was spent chilling out at the anglers and talking (well, mostly madcap and blindside) and the stone, sci-fi, cons, going through a book called if to learn more about ourselves and each other.

It's so rare for me to not feel different.

I'm torturing myself with someone that I like...as is normal he doesn't like me, and yet i still torture myself.

I'm still losing weight, albeit slowly. I hope to be close to 13 stone by the end of this year. It's certainly acheivable, but as part of my getting a life i seem to be invited to things which involve eating. Food and i don't really get along. I can't stop myself and i get afraid to eat stuff that i don't know the calorific content of it. The Zenical helps though. My other worry is, if i lose this weight...will guys still not want me? I'd like think that I could be a good girlfriend to someone...