Things will never be right between myself and Blondie. And that makes me sad. I want to make things right, and he says that if i want to talk "properly" I can. But then when i suggest dates and times he is always too busy.

I think he wants me to tell him to shove off, so that he can the play the proper martyr. I wouldn't do that; as i want to make things right. So i texted him last night and said that it seemed a pity that he clearly didn't want to talk, and hoped that he would meet someone and fall in love and be happy.

It makes me sad, as i feel that we should have been good friends, but I need more. I can't cope with someone dumping all of their issues and problems, and saying i'm not normal and obsessed. I don't have much self-esteem at the best of times, and saying i'm not normal, and that i bring people down really sent me over the edge.

I have other people that i can lean on; and whom i am happy to have lean on me in the bad times...and who want to celebrate the good times with me.

But when i see him (which is most days) there is a pang in my heart that things can't be fixed...or rather that he isn't willing to try.

IS it any wonder that Dave said to me "You must think that being gay is horrible", as all i generally see is pain and hurt and suffering and promiscuity and... and...

Quite a stressful night. I spoke with Blondie, and he just went on and on about his issues, and all the issues he has with me. Some of which are true and reasonable i guess, and some are not. But things i've said and done in the past... i can't change those. I've apologised, but he still goes on about them. It got so stressful though, especially when he started syaing that i made everyone miserable that my happiness rating just dropped. I put on some clothes and went out. I went to Sutton Park and just walked and cried, and got colder and colder.

I ignored Blondie ringing me as i was hysterical, and ignored his text telling me to stop ignoring him and i was doing his head in. Texted Orion, who was clearly getting worried about me - but i didn't feel up to speaking to him when i was so upset.

Eventually i calmed down enough, and called Orion and we chatted for a bit.

Then i called Blondie back, and well i ended up shouting and we fought.

Slightly stressful weekend. I don't think io'm cut out to be a party planner! But Vicci, a school friend, came to visit - then went out for a meal with Vicci, Dave, Mini, Bhav, Orion, Dave's friend Amy, Mel (from OU), Linds and Darren. We went to the Pear Tree, and had a really nice meal.

Then we went into town, much rushing around ensued as people turned up at wrong pubs etc etc; but eventually we met up. After a spell at Loft Lounge Vicci went back to my house, and a couple of my work colleagues who turned up also went home. Then the hardcore party people moved into the gale. I clearly had a lot to drink, as parts are hazy, and i don't remember dancing that much. However, i hurt so much that i surely must have done! Blondie wouldn't come out, so I have been quite hurt by that.

Maybe it's for the best. My definition of friendship is clearly very different. And as Orion says, why should i get upset about someone who really doesn't give a toss about me, or is not willing to do something that that would bring a lot of pleasure to someone before their own feelings... if he had, i think he would have gone up a lot in Orion's eyes. And has several people have said, when Blondie gave me the card and rose for Orion... where was yours?

He made up some crappy story, but i knew that he hadn't actually got me one. Not that i actively look for cards or gifts... more that on my own birthday he got me to do something for him. That smarts a little. I mean, i've bought him cards and I got him a birthday gift... I needn't have, but i consider him a good friend.

Or rather, i considered...

Mostly what i want i to meet someone, so i can have lots of affection. I long for hugs and kisses. I think that i have a lot of good qualities, and the last few months have made me aware of my bad points, and i'm working on them.

Not a bad birthday. In fact a pretty good one. People at work were so nice to me, with a card and flowers. Sadly it was rather spoiled by Blondie turning up to work, just as I was leaving, and handed me a card and a rose. So i kind of awkwardly said thank you, of course he then quickly says - oh they aren't for you. He wanted me to give them to Orion.

Things just upset me so much that i cried all the way home.

Things won't get better, they just get worse. I can't stand to see Blondie so upset and unhappy; but it's clear that they aren't suited and Orion knows it...but he also loves him, and doesn't want to hurt him, so keeps seeing him. That, in turn, makes Blondie feel like he still has a chance. So he then gets more hurt when he's rejected.

Of course Blondie didn't get me a card, but that's not the kind of thing he thinks of. And well, i'm slowly letting go. I don't like to, as he is hurting and i want to be there for him. But, he's said so many times that we aren't friends, and that he isn't there for me...

So where were we?

Frankly things are weird and strange enough without me trying to explain them.

Accordingly to Blondie things aren't right between us, but he will sort them out. Or not. Not sure how long i'm willing to wait really. I have a forgiving nature, and although the things he's said to me hurt, and still make me doubt myself.... he is forgiven. But the reverse isn't true. Did he thank me for his card and present....no.

Apparantly he will only come to my birthday if he is back with Orion. Which makes me feel so special.

I do feel honoured though that so many other people want to come and celebrate with me. Why should i let this one person make me feel so bad. Partly, i think it is the guilt... yes i said things i shouldn't have. But then so did he. And he lied.

I ask myself why do i want to be friends with him....and i can't come up with the answer.