It's that day again

When was the last time you...


1. ...sent a handwritten letter? I started one when i was watching BB last night. I received a letter from spoon yesterday so decided to start my reply that same night. I meant to finish it, but didn't. Hopefully i will finish it tonight and post it tomorrow.


2. ...baked something from scratch or made something by hand? I rarely cook!


3. ...camped in a tent? GB/BB camp in July 1994 i think. Too long ago!


4. ...volunteered your time to church, school, or community? I think that i did several charity concerts when i was living in Chesterfield, so i guess that would have been in 1999.


5. ...helped a stranger? Don't remember, possibly givign directions to someone?

Some time later

I had a letter from the bank last night about a standing order. I thought it was odd because i didn't remember setting any up. So i rang the bank on the number the gave me in the letter. The customer service rep gave me the details and said that he was a little concerned by it. I told him that i didn't recognise the details and he said that it was most likely someone trying to commit fraud!

The chap i spoke to will be sending me out a copy of the standing order for me to verify, and if i agree that i didn't set it up then he will be contacting the police.

I have finally booked my first snowboarding lesson for Sunday morning...i am looking forward to it.

I bumped into those two former GB officers at the gym, they both seemed pleased that i am getting out an doing things. They mentioned that at my age i should be getting out and about. Maybe people were worried about my lack of social life.

Which reminds me that next month i should seriously think about booking to go and see Norah Jones in London. This is a quite a scary thing. I've been to concerts on my own, but this will be my first in London. Knowing my luck though, by the time i get my act together it will be sold out! It will also mean that i will probably have to stay overnight, which rather adds to the expense. But there is no way that she will play in the Midlands.

The more i read about the Rotters Club, the more i realise that it's based upon KES. Having gone to it's sister school (on the same site), and reading some of the reviews by former pupils who have described it as uncomfortably close to the truth i haven't felt a desire to read it.

Not that i was a terribly active participant in a lot of school life. I played several instruments and sang in several choirs...but i was never a music dosser. I wasn't sporty, or a good actress. The only lads i knew were those who were going out with my friends, or those who attended the school mixed CU.

And i'm not sure that i'm really ready to face that part of my past yet.

Not a bad weekend visiting Steve. I didn't get my playstation because steve found that mine had a dent in it. He sent it back to his friend to get it replaced, but she hasn't got me a new one yet. I try to trust his friends...but i don't because i don't know that. In the meantime i have his.

I put it together when i got home on Sunday and found that the supplied TV connector doesn't fit my TV. I got quite cross, but remembered that my PSX has the right one and fortunately they hadn't changed the end of the cable that goes into the console. I only have a portable TV, so it doesn't have anything fancy like s connections or scart.

Congratulations to the lovely Gilly (and Matt!) on their engagement.

I stomped off to the snowdome last night and spoke to someone in ski hire. they felt that there woudln't be a problem, adn that someone with size one feet had used the size 3 boots. I just need an extra pair of thick socks. She also said that the botos came up quite small, and that because they were the sort fo size that doesn't get much use, they wouldn't be as stretched as the larger sizes. I looked at the boot, and it did indeed seem to be a small fit. I couldn't try it on because i was weating mules (ie not socks) but i think i will give it a go. So that might be what i am doing next weekend...

I am getting panics about this weekend. I am going to visit Steve, btu part of the plan has changed. He forgot that it's his cousin's birthday and steve is going out, which means i will too. Unfortunately i still haven't go over my fear of crowds, especially crowds of men i don't know. I can feel my chest tightening already. I know that Steve understands, so i hope that it will go well. I do want to go down and visit. It also means that i have to stay over, and i am still anxious about that. I am just not comfortable with it. I don't know why...it's another of those irrational feelings that i have.

Some friday five.

1. Do you live in a house, an apartment or a condo?I live in my mums house.


2. Do you rent or own? Neither. But regular readers will remember that i am currently trying to buy a flat. Not with much success...


3. Does anyone else live with you? My mum.


4. How many times have you moved in your life? I have lived in Leicester (but i was too young to remember), three different houses in Sutton Coldfield. I lived in Warrington for a year, and Chesterfield for about 15 months. And then of course 3 different places when i was at uni.


5. What are your plans for this weekend? See above!

Want to know why the state of British music is so awful? Look no further than the very talented Nerina Pallot (who i have mentioned several times). She has a couple of moderately successful singles, and released an album which showed how much potential she has. She gets a support gig with Bryan Adams, which has the potential to introduce a lot of new fans to her music. What does her record company decide to do?

They delete her album. They also decide not to release a single for which the video has already been shot, and decide not to release another single which was recorded especially for this purpose (the song is not on the album).

Why? Well, my guess is that it is because it didn't shift as many copies as some of those pop idol crappy singles. But of course, if you are going to delete the album just after an artist has supported a major artist, what do you expect?

Im on call tonight, so i will probably miss the gym. I am aiming to go the fort and pick up some cd'rs for some angelfood i am doing, and looks at prices for mp3 players. Ok, so i'm not doing too well onthe money fron this month, but next month is nearly here. My discman does need replacing, and this could be a good answer.

The project that i work on has been cancelled. Understandably i am concerned about losing my job (again). I am doing my best not to worry, but it's hard. I am going to be learning a new system, btu whether this one will pick up i don't know. Maybe it's time i thought about teaching...

Damn, and i had booked prague and skiing too.

I tried ringing the snowdome again, and got through to a very rude person. They told me that the smallest size is now a 4! I left another VM with the ski hire manager, and hopefully he will get back to me today. I feel very frustrated by this, especially since the rude girl on the phone told me that i simply wouldn't be able to snowboard if they didn't have my size.

I am feeling quite low today.

But not so low that i did nothing. I know that there are other indoor snowboarding placec, and i phoned up milton keynes snozone who were not only polite on the phone, but had the information abotu the smallest sized boot quickly to hand. Ok i had to go on hold for 20 seconds, but they got me the answer i needed.

What was it? It's a size 1. Which means that whether i need the one, or a slightly larger 2, i am catered for! They do an 8 hour (!) snowboard in a day for only 100 pounds, which is probably what i would do, since i would have to travel a fair way to MK. Of course, if i hate it i'm there for 8 hours, which is actually a very long time. I am usually quite tired after an hour of skiing....but i want to learn to board. I could just go for the one hour lesson, although it does seem a long way to go for an hour! And then there is the problem that if i do like it, i still can't have further lessons at the snowdome. Maybe i should take a trip to the snowdome and try on some of the boots?

I didn't go to the gym last night, i didn't leave work until nearly 6:30pm, and i simply couldn't be bothered. I am going to make a real effort to leave work promptly today and go and do an hour. I still feel quite tired and achey, probably due to the cold i had last week, so i probably will take it fairly easy. Mind you i don't need to move fast to get the machine to tell me that i'm in the weight-lose zone.

It's weird, but since i've been on this WM course, i haven't felt like doing my gym plan much. I do the classes, so i guess that's enough. Mind you, June has been quite a topsy turvey month. I think July will be more settled.

Hmm, i was thinkign about snowboarding lessons at the snowdome, but i looked on the leaflet last night and noted that they don't give lessons to under 12's. This sent my panic signals off because i am not the size of 12 year old, i am smaller. I have just rung up to find out about the smallest size of snowboard boat that they hire out, and the woman on the enquiries line thinks that it is a 3 (i take a 1), she put me through the the hire manager, and i left a VM message. I hope that they do 2's, because i could probably get away with it. I hope that he rings back. I think i could probably fit a 3, but having never snowboarded i wouldn't know.

People don't think that being small has it's disadvantages, but here is one you can see. I try not to let my lack of height prevent me from doing anything, but sometimes it does.

I may end up trying in size 3's just for the hell of it. Plus i know that if i love it, it is possible to buy smaller size snowboarding boots.

and there i was, thinking about trying to save money. It's so ridiculous. I am seriously thinkin of writing to the Alvin Hall c/o the BBC for help! Still, only two weeks til payday.

It's good that i am saving so much. It'll help when i finally get my own place. The bills i think (including mortage) should come to around 500 quid a month, which is exactly what i am saving now. I now have 9 thousand pounds saved up. Which is extremely good. k of that is in an ISA, and would be better off not being touched for some time. The other 6k is in a very simple access account and can be used at any time. This is my deposit. I'll continue to save so that i have money for necessities like a fridge and a cooker (got to have those really!) and luxuries like a stereo system.

At the moment i play all my cd's through my PC. It isn't ideal at all. I know that i want something that i can put 3 cd's into and have them randomly play. a radio too, and maybe a tape deck. Two woudl be better so i can tape some of my jewel tapes for people..

I saw Spiderman yesterday. I had been looking forward to it, and was quite disappointed. The CGI stuff was fairly obvious, as were the stunt people! The story was fairly obvious, with no twists that were not loudly broadcast. I disliked the characters of Mary Jane and Harry. But i did think that Tobey Maguire was rather on the yummy side. Now, if he would only go for a woman his age instead of Nicole Kidman.

Saturday night (why am i working backwards?) i went to Jazz at the Waterworks with spice (and Liz). It was New Orleans style jazz, which was completely new to me, fun and with some fantastic dancing by the audience.

I spotted a rather nice spice bloke, and persuaded Liz to go and speak to him and his friend. Eventualyl i sauntered over and introduced myself. I had a chat with him, and he seemed very nice (his friend wouldn't talk much at all). Neither seemed particularly interested in the music, and left about 30 minutes before the end. I tried to talk him into coming to the cinema and meal evening next month. Let's hope he does so,my adorable kittens.

Friday night (told you i was going backwards!), i went for a cycle around wishaw after work. I stopped by St Chad's, and returned on Sunday for their Eucharist. It's a tiny church, with a small congregation. The Vicar seemed nice, but the congregation was mostly elderly with two younger women who both had children. Maybe some where staying away because it was Fathers Day? During my cycle ride i was reminded once again how fortunate i am to live within 10 minutes drive of the country (proper farming country), and how sad i would be when so much is destroyed because of the toll road.

I didn't feel like exercising last night, but before i went to the gym for the WM class, i stopped off home. I uploaded yesterdays entry, and made the decision that i was going to attend the body pump class after the WM class.

I now ache a lot. I bent less on my knee, which hurt a great deal less, and worked out reasonably hard (i am still not feeling 100% well, with a cough and a sore throat) which is proven by the fact that my arms and shoulders hurt today.

Tonight i miss my body balance class because it's TH2. We are going over to a new house owned by two of the members. It will be nice to see Lindsay and Darren again, and i get to pick up the photos that Darren took at Spoon's wedding.

On the money saving front, i am going to see Spiderman on Sunday (about 6 quid). Oh dear. Where's Alvin Hall when you need him?

I have been doing some reading of other people's journals. Mine is so dull...but at least i have worked through a few demons, and discovered a few things about myself. I am so much stronger than i ever thought i was. I guess that's just one of those things that you don't find out until you actually have to be strong.

And discovering that is worth more than a diarist award (although if you, my loyal readers want to nominate for some award or other...please do so!).

I was watching Oprah yesterday, and Celine Dion was on. Now, i will be the first person to admit that i really don't like her music, but i enjoyed watching the interview. She seemed like a natural, nice person.

Ok, for another revelation. I did a lot of thinking over the centreparcs weekend (one reason why i haven't written much about it) about my attitudes towards men.

I discovered that i don't trust them. I haven't been given much reason (apart from Steve) to do so. My dad lied and cheated and stole from me and my family. My first boyfriend didn't want to touch me, my last one wasn't really terribly touchy feely with me either. My second boyfriend only came to visit me once...i guess they all made me feel bad about myself through their apparant lack of caring.

I was attacked by someone in Spice, and none of my mal spice friends did anything about it. I was attacked on a bus coming home from school, and none of the strapping 6th form lads did anything about it.

Those are the sort of things that you can't just forget, or get over. The only way would be to meet a bloke who treated me with respect, and would be willing to stand up to anyone who hurt me. Sadly, there are few blokes like that in the world, at least as far as i have seen. I have a happy daydream that i meet one, and he likes me and it's all happily ever after.

But it's just a dream.

I'm feeling a little better today. I got home, and was tired and achy so i had a long bath instead of going to the gym. I played a little more half-life, which i am close to finishing. I know that i have used some of the walkthroughs a little too much (although i haven't been following it to the letter), but sometimes i get frustrated and like to get on. I am enjoying the game, and will probably play it again. I am also looking forward to getting my playstation, and playing on that.

I know that i need to stop spending again. I managed very well last month, but i seem to have gone a bit overboard in the two weeks that June has gone through so far! I should probably tell myself not to spend anymore than is necessary, and this will be difficult since i have 3 more weeks of June to go. And i am going to visit Steve. Hmm. Let's think!

I'm out this weekend (jazz club, but it's all paid for apart from the car park costs), next week i'm out with steve. The week after is the end of June, and i might splash out and go snowboarding...i know i shouldn't spend so much, but i'm young, free and single. I might as well live whilst i still have the time to do it!

I had a lovely long weekend away from work, and i didn't really want to go back. The accomodation at centreparcs wasn't that great, and i had a full on cold so felt dreadful.

But i did a bit of biking around the park, and a bit of dancing even though i was very tired. It wasn't the msot relaxing of holidays, but it gave me a change of scenery.
<>PI want to write more, but my head still hurts.

I am still angry over Derek, and how i remember that none of my friends spotted me in tears apart from one. How i wish i had a BF to go and sort him out. But that's ridiculous thinking. But then again, you have no idea how afraid i am of what might happen. Something worse.

I have a cold. I went to the gym Monday morning, Tuesday morning i woke up feeling no good, so decided to forgoe. Wednesday, at work, i felt worse. Today my cold is full on, but i actually feel better. Probably because of a decent night's sleep

I spoke with Kein-arn last night. He frightened me last year, but i am making a real effort to be nice and to put that all behind me.

Looking bck through my archives...i have absolutely NO recollection what this was about. I really don't remember planning a holiday with anyone! And i find my style of writing has changed so much. I was keeping so much inside, but my writing was flowery. Now it's plain, perhaps even dull. But it's more real.

It's just me.

Plus there is no bad poetry, and that's got to be a bonus.

I've changed so much. I stayed at home and comfort ate, and watched my "Cats" video. Now i go out a lot, although i do still comfort eat. I am becoming more open in some areas, and learning about others.

Fairly crappy bank holiday in retrospect. And i am so tired now that i was wibbling about the office. Roll on Friday and a lovely lie in. I am supposed to be going to centre parcs, but i'm not sure that i actually want to now. I was supposed to go until Monday, but i might return on Sunday evening and then have a nice lie in in my own bed. I'm getting my hair cut Monday afternoon, which is nice. Normally ihave to try and squeeze it in on a Saturday, so this is perfect.

I spent far too much this long weekend. My embargo on buying anything but necessities ended, and so i spent.

I bought a gypsy see-through top(white with a blue and green pattern on it) and a green linen skirt. This mean that i had to have new wedgy sandals to go with them. Coming to around 60 quid altogether, which i guess isn't too bad. I also brought a pink top for the gym (a fiver), but that was a necessity because one of my workout tops now has large holes in it.

The battery in my new watch went (at least i think it was the battery), so i spent a tenner on a new watch. I dislike being without one, and i knew that i couldn't get a new battery until Friday at the earliest.

But let's back up. Saturday night i went to Tiger Tiger with Spice. I had a good chat with a friend of a friend, and watched teo other friends get together. Not bad. Mind you, i had to put up with Derek (the guy who followed me into the ladies toilets, remember?) being there. I spotted him out the corner of my eye when he came and stood next to me (no doubt deliberately). Then he moved and began dancing with his girlfriend within eyeshot, but i continued to not look directly at him. I danced with a friend (steve r) and then derek and his girlfriend moved from my left side to my right side and both just stood and stared at me. I kept on merely catching glimpses of them out the corner of my eye as i danced and sang along to the music with steve. Eventually the couple left, possibly bored by the fact that i wasn't looking at him and rising to the bait.

I felt strong for staying and holding my ground and continuing to have fun. But i also feel angry that i have to put up with someone deliberately trying to get a rise out of me, or trying to make me feel bad. But there isn't much i can do, i can't tell the spice team that he stares at me, because that just sounds stupid.

But the staring when i am laughin and dancing with a friend makes me feel guilty that i am having a good time and that doing that...oh i don't know. I know that i did nothing wrong, and did nothing to encourage him to follow me into the toilets. What's worse is that he has a girlfriend and they both stare at me. Heaven only knows what he has told her.

It is like what Katy did at school...live it down

But it's harder when people tell me i should forget because then that seems that i am the guilty one, or that it is actually ok for strange blokes to put their paws all over you when you haven't assented.

If that's what is meant by running away from strange blokes then i am all for it. I would rather wait and meet a gentleman who treats a woman with respect.

But that's enough of that. Sunday i pootled around and went to the Snowdome to try and buy a jacket. They are doing the buy one get one free offer again! I am going to buy a snowboarding lesson and then get my ski stage 4 done!

Of course, i need to find the time to fit this all in. I think the thing i am most worried about centre parcs is that it is a go as you please holiday, and i prefer more structure (and won't be going in the waterpark because i can't see well enough not to get into trouble). But then again, a weekend of doing nothing but resting abd cycling might be just what i need.

Also, i am (and this is hard to admit) worried about going away and missing my favourite programmes over the weekend. I love CSI and i want to keep up with 24. Of course, if i leave Sunday, i won't actually miss 24.

Plus, of course, it means i get the whole of Monday as a holiday, without driving anywhere. A whole day to relax, and get my hair cut and feel pampered. Might even venture to ikea and buy some more magazine holders...

I am tired, not thinking straight

Not a good bank holiday. Little John the hamster made a sucessfull bid for freedom Monday night. Tuesday night my mum found him lying dead on the living room floor...

WEll i didn't get that walk because i was at work until 10pm. I have also spent most of the day trying to fix problems. I need a break.

Can you believe it? It's now the 3rd anniversary of Dad's death. How i wish he was here now.