This is one of the loneliest times of year. Again i've tried to organise a party, but again everyone is busy with their loved ones. Me, i'm just single and on the shelf. I don't want to spend it alone. I want to have fun.

I have my wii! It's a lot of fun!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas, and a wonderful new year. If anyone is in the Brum area and wants to say hallo (or play on my wii), email me!

Love, Smallkat

I passed A219. I got a grade 3 which is a a little disappointing as i was getting firsts for my coursework. Still, a pass is a pass.

Budget is getting very tight, especialy since i have to pay SVR on the mortage payment this month, as it can't be redeemed until after that has been paid. Means a large increase of 60 quid, although not paying council tax this month (or end of next month) should cover it. I do hope that i've sold enough of my shares to pay off the 2k that i wanted. Apparently there are other administrative fees that halifax want to charge me for redeeming. I will be hopeful.

I've eaten clementines! They are not bad. I bought the ones for kids, as they were half the price of the ones wrapped in red and gold christmas packaging! They stop me from snacking on junk food at work, which is really good.

My next task is to try and start eating breakfast at home. I spend money on bacon baps at work, and they are expensive and COLD! I might even think about doing a toastie for breakfast. I could save myself a tenner a week, which works out to 40 quid a month on breakfast alone!

Just struggling along. On call is now definately going to be stopped. This is going to put me down by a couple of hundred each month, so i'm not sure what i'm going to do. Some days i wish i hadn't got my own place, or that i was able to share it and reduce the bills.

Seems daft, but i'm thinking about getting a second job, so that i can afford to buy things most of the people around me buy without thinking (Cds, books, nights out etc). I shoudln't really need to be in this position. Single, good(ish) job, no debts. Trouble is no payrises, and with living costs increasing, my salary just doesn't cover it anymore... I'm going to try and pay for an xbox before the payments go. At least then i can stay in an entertain myself...

No closer to getting another job; just more interviews and rejections...

I've applied for another job. No grade promotion, but there is the prospect of training.

Someone out there must think i am worth it.

I have no idea what i weigh now; but that small ready meal curry last week that i had after class, i just can't shift!

I did buy an omelette maker last night. I tried it out and just did a plain one (free on SW). It wasn't bad at all! This weekend i will see what happens if i put in a laughing cow cheese and make one. I can see me getting hold of some quorn sausages and making myself a sin-free (or low sin) cooked brekkie...

Hi Rose - it's me!

Remember i went for that interview last month? I just found out that i didn't get it. Same old story. Good interview, really liked me, but need someone who can hit the ground running ie they don't want to train anyone. I believe that i would have been really good...

I have no confidence now as i can only do my job, my current role won't let me train or job shadow...i feel like i am on the scrapheap already.

I've been a bit off an on with Slimming world. I believe that i will lose weight; but if i stick to it properly i would see a better loss. Although with all my snacking at work, i'm not that hungry in the evening...

I think i hav lost some weight; but my scales are not the best indicator.

I went for my second trip to the dentist. The crumbly tooth has now gone, i had a mould taken for a crown and a temporary thing put in it's place. The temporary thing feels huge, and i can't bite down evenly now. I hope the crown fits better. I have a stonking headache...

I didn't really do anything that i had planned at all! I went out with Joolz, Kate and their friends Claire, Kat and Craig. I liked going to the pub, but we ended up at the Actress and Bishop. The music was a good eclectic mix, but it was so loud my ears hurt. I ended up having to go into the toilets because my ears couldn't take it.

Why do people set off fireworks at 3pm? It's not even dark!

Poor charlie is terrified...

It's been a crazy few days. The exam, well, meh, i don't know. I hate exams. I think i did enough to pass, but frankly i'm not sure.

I've decided to venture to SW tonight; see what another group is like and whether it suits me better.

I feel generally under the weather, so i'm going out clubbing Saturday night. Cos a late night is bound to do me some good.

That was sarcasm, by the way. I want to go out, because i want to have a life and see people and be normal. But i'm quite tired, and my glands are swollen. I want to get my hair cut on Saturday too...

I'm feeling quite poor as on the morning of my exam one of my teeth crumbled. I had a root canal done abuot 7 years ago, and now it needs a crown. I'll spend the next couple of Thursdays getting it down, and it's going to set me back 189 quid. With my BHSF plan i can claim back a good proportion of this (125 quid), so i can just about afford it. I don't know how long the claims take to come through. The website says 3 working days, so i will see next week if i get it back. I hate having to send original receipts, i'm always slightly worried that they won't make it.

And i was doing so well money-wise. I also yesterday got another stonechip, which means that autoglass will need to do a full windscreen replacement. Still, at least it won't affect my no-claims discount.

Looking at my BHSF form i can claim chiropody treatments against it; so i can see myself going and finding a chiropodist and finally trying to get my in-growing toenails sorted.

Not feeling too brilliant; didn't feel terrible brilliant the whole weekend really. I treated myself to an italian with garlic bread. The garlic did perk me up a bit. I'm really just hanging on until after my exam tomorrow...

I was even worse last night, i ended up buying battered sausage and chips. It was a huge mistake, and i have learned from it, so i guess that is positive.

Ok, well maybe not learned completely, but i've learend that i do need the discipline of accountability...

The gig was ok, the keyboards were fine, but Immy was wearing a radio mic and most of the time it didn't pick up her voice. People were talking all the way through her set and some people even booed when she had to stop because she was recovering from illness and had to take sips of tea to help her throat. I wish i had gone to see her at WAC now. Oh well!

It looks like on call is going to go at work, so i am rather glad that i have managed to pay off my credit card before that happened! I used the last on call money to pay off most of my ou short course, and when i get the credit card bill i'll pay off the rest (should be about 15 quid). This means that this month i will have around 50 quid to go straight into my car fund. If i can save that money each month by this time next year i should have a good fund of money to pay for my repair/mot bills from. Of course i will have to pay for Januarys car bill, but i'm hoping that it won't be too much, and that i now finally have everything under control.

I went a bit naughty yesterday. I had a banana, tuna baguette AND chips. Result 2lbs on. I didn't have any tea though, i just wasn't hungry. I will steer well clear of chips today. I'm currently muching on carrot sticks and hummous, and i'll have a baguette for lunch and see how i go.

Tonight i'm off to see Immy i hope the arrangements are better than they were for the pips as i hardly saw anything there...

I couldn't wait a week. I was so hungry driving home that i knew it was time to finish. As i don't really have anything much at home i bought a birds eye steam fresh salmon and dill, and some mashed root veggies. Apart from the fact that the salmon had green beans in, it was pretty nice. I felt very full, and left about 1/3 of the veggies to be eaten by me tonight.

I didn't put on any weight, so i am going to ease myself back into eating and drinking again. I don't want to carb-load as i understand that this truly will increase my weight quickly even if it's healthy stuff like a jacket potato. I felt so much better after eating though.

I decided to have a tuna baguette. I just feel so much better eating... i also weirdly feel in control. I hope that this lasts. I've spent a little money buying another cook book, one of thosebooks for one person. I have a lot of books with yummy recipes in, but oftenthere are for 4-6 people. I know that i would be tempted to scoff the lot. I'm hoping that it will give me simple ideas for cheap meals, and that they can be adapted to fit in with slimming world. I feel so positive today!

I've made a decision that at the end of this week i'm going to come off Cambridge. I'm finding it far too difficult to maintain any kind of life, and my weight loss has slowed down quite dramatically. I am giving a lot of thought about what i am going to eat though, so that i don't pile on what i have lost (which i hope to be 1.5 stone). Mainly veggies and protein. This is quite a departure for me, as i used to eat mainly carbs (potatoes, pasta etc).

I am thinking about going back to slimming world, as it does work, and does mean that i can have a life. It does also mean though that at 2lbs a week, it could take me well over a year. I haven't felt brilliant and healthy doing Cambridge. My skin and hair haven't looked well and i feel hungry pretty much all the time.

I worked my way through all the blocks, and i'm now reading the essay book. I am so nervous about this exam. I also feel like i'm coming down with a cold, which is not helping matters. I did enjoy watching Ancient Rome on the BBC, it gave some background to the Gracchi which isn't present in my block, although it rather neglected to mention that Tiberius had a brother who carried on his reforms. When i realised that i knew that i had learned something!

Going back to slimming world, i doubt that i will go back to the group i was going to. It wasn't inspirational or motivational. There are a few others in my area, not so close for sure, but if they are better than i'm willing to travel. Heck, if i get that bike i could even cycle! The meeting i am thinking of going to is on a Thursday, which again means no alpha. I am thinking that maybe God wants me to get healthy instead... I'm also thinking about going back to Ceroc on Wednesday. Not this week, obviously, since this is my last full week of revising, but perhaps next week. I'll need to keep an eye on my arm, as i really don't want to have to come into work with my mouse arm hurting...

There were samosas at work the smell is wafting through the office. I am nearly crying as i want one so badly. I am so close to jacking it all in.

I am going to give it a week and see how i fare. Maybe it would be better to do this a "normal" way...

I am quite cream-crackered, so tonight i'm going to take it easy and finish off my work on augustan poetry which is easy to understand and tape to dvd and watch a film i recorded. tomorrow when i am feeling a bit fresher i will tackle the roman republic.

I deliberately didn't mention it, but yesterday i had an interview for a new role. I'm not sure how it went, we had a good chat, and i felt i said a lot of good things. Technically i probably don't have the skills right here and now, but i am a fast learner and i truly believe that if given a book (if they can't send me on a course) then i could pick it up and run with it. I don't know if they have interviewed anyone else for the role, so i shall just be patient and wait.

I've been looking into cheap accomodation for a possible trip to London in november or December. I've found that i could book a little studio apartment for 40 quid a night. Not bad really, especially since i don't (at present) need a hotel with a restaurant. The studio apartment has a kitchenette with a microwave! I'm not sure that i'm really up to hostelling and sharing a bathroom anymore!

According to my scales this morning i have put on more weight and now weight the same as last week. I am sloely coming to the decision that perhaps i should not trust these scales, but do as i did last time i lost a lot of weight, and just weigh myself on Boots scales. As i honestly cannot see how i can possibly stay the same when i am consuming under 500 calories a day. If however, the boots scales confirm this and the samething happens next week I am going to have to have a serious rethink about what i am doing. Since there seems to be no point.

The alpha course was good last night, although i did feel quite a bit of disappoval at not eating. I had to say multiple times that i didn't want anything and felt under quite a bit of pressure. Once again though i didn't give in, and perhaps that's why i'm slightly down this morning as something in me feels that when i say know to the food i want i should see a corresponding drop in weight.

I am going to start doing some exercise, the exam is looming over me at present but that's over in 11 days (which is a scary thought) and then i have no excuse not to get out and move, and no real reason not to do so either.

I've just realised that Imogen Heap is next Thursday, so i can't do Alpha! Oh well...

I've decided to go on an alpha course run by Yardley Baptist tonight. According to the AA it will take me 15 mins to get from my house to the house its being held in. I reckon it's close to 30 mins! I will time tonight, but at least it means that i can get home have a soup, feed the cat and then go out in plenty of time. There is a meal at the beginning which bothers me a little as i really do not enjoy explaining that i'm not eating and then refusing when it's pushed on me a further time. I want to be strong on lose this weight and get on with doing the things that i want to do and can't because i'm too big.

I'm definately revising this weekend. I hope to have finished all bar the gracchi section of block 4, and then whizz my way through block 5 which is my favourite. I'm not really feeling positive about the exam, but i just have to trust that i can do it. To be honest, i'm feeling a bit tired, maybe i need a break or something...

After my exam is over and done i'm hoping to do a little recreational skating again, and see how my feet stand up to it. I'd love to do Ceroc again, as it is so energetic but it just hurts my arm so much.

I think the hardest thing about this is wanting to eat and nto eating and then beating myself up because it is my own fault for letting myself get so fat.

If i want to lose my 4lbs this week i have to effectively lose a pound a day. I don't think i can do that. So i'm going to try and aim for two. I am only my second pint of water of the day, so i'm actively trying to increase my water uptake.

Bit downhearted today as after my night out last night my morning weight went up. It looks like i might only lose a pound this week, which is very hard. As if this is how it's going to be, i might as well head back to slimming world...

It was tough watching everyone eating and drinking. I did eat one thing - a chinese style slice of cucumber. Just one, mind! I did that as it was 8pm and i was very hungry and new that if i didn't take that i would probably drive into maccy d's on the way home...

I doubt that that would have caused the weight to go up as in truth, i am allow two tablespoons of greens and, well, you know cucumber, it was mainly water!

I'm going to read Mike's diary to try and keep myself focused and postive.

Chicken BLT wraps at lunch today. My all time favourite meal, and it was a killer watching people eat it. But i survived and here i am with a rumbley tummy drinking my chocolate tetra brik.

I keep reminding myself that this isn't forever...

I am so cold too. It gets below 15 degrees and i can't cope! I think i was meant to have been born in a much warmer climate. I hate winter, i hate cold. See this time of year i would normally be thinking about creating warm foods....

I worked out that i have over 8 stone to lose. That is a lot. A serious amount...

I'm wearing my green jumper with little fake pearls on it today. I haven't worn it in ages because it was getting rather tight! Now it fits well which is another incentive for me to keep going.

It's odd about the different reactions that people have. One person can't believe i'm doing it, another who is supportive and says that perhaps i shouldn't go to lunch. Although i think it's a good idea as it makes me strong and prepares me for when i have to go to places and which people eat. At least at work i have the choice so it's good for me to be used to it!

I had my first choc mint shake last night. I did it hot and it's smelt lovely. Unfortunately it tasted vile and i just couldn't drink it. It's a shame. Especially since i have several more sachets of the stuff! Still, i think the hunger is finally beginning to go as it wasn't over bothered that i didn't have the whole thing.

It seems to have taken me longer than most people to get to this stage, possibly because i ate a lot of carbs and sugar before and it's taking me a while to get rid of them...or something...maybe my body is just as stubborn as my spirit!

Ok maybe that was then - now (around midday) i feel weak and shaky.

I'm still thinking about getting a bike, but wondering if i should wait until Christmas as there are often sales on then...

I'm also thinking about getting my bathroom done. The price on my company shares is going up so i currently have around 10k. That money i decided a long while back is specifically for home improvements. And my bathroom truly does need to be done. It's gross and not really well designed. I would love to give someone a couple of thousand and say - do it! On the vale where "Choices" used to be a new bathroom shop has opened up, i wonder if they do it... a little task for Saturday methinks.

I feel as if i've had a new lease of life. I'm going to get my house fixed up...i've essentially done nothing on it the last year partly through laziness and partly through being much too depressed. Yes, i want to get my bathroom done. Then i'm going to get my last bedroom done and then carpet upstairs, down the stairs and in the hall.

My scales and my CDC's scales seem to vary a bit, so i'm going on what my scales say - and according to them i finally did manage to lose that 4lbs! Woohoo! I lost a pound over the weekend, and if i can lose another 3, by next weekend i should be bang smack on 15 stone and slipping down into the 14's. This is a big achievement for me.

My CDC seemed surprised that i still feel hungry, and boy do i ever. But at this point in time the weightloss is balancing out. I keep focusing on that and i don't eat. Tomorrow is going to be hard. I've had to organise a night out for work. Now normally i wouldn't go, but i guess since i organised it i should go. No drinking and no food whilst everyone else is scoffing nachos is going to be very hard (as i do like nachos). I may eat a little chicken to try to blend in...

I don't like sticking out, and this crazy diet is definately making me do that. But i keep focusing...according to the graphs i could be at my bmi by march....although how much of that will be horrible lose baggy skin?

I went a bit crazy on spending this weekend. I put myself in the queue for a WII and a pink DS lite, which came to 40 quid together, and i spent 30 quid on clothes and accessories at newlook and a bought the router as a present to myself for losing a stone! Good job i got a "bonus" in this months payslip. The bonus is instead of a payrise...lets not go there. Although before you comment, i did get a good end of year review. To get a pay rise i have to get another role, and i'm trying to do it as i really would like payrise! So all of the above is coming out of my bonus.

I could cheerfully murder a tuna jacket right now. I had 4 little tins of tuna at work, and i took them home this week. Charlie has been loving his little treat! I suspect that he wishes the tins were larger though!

I worked my way through block 1 and 2 over the weekend. By Sunday night i couldn't take anymore and i pored through some cookery books (which are now like porn to me). It's weird but even the salads look really tasty to me now. Maybe when i'm back eating again i'll be eating more salads and fruit and veg in general...
<>POne of the guys at work is sick of me ot eating and wanted to know how long i'm going to keep it up. He was appalled when i said that it would probably be until March (if i lose 4lbs each week). He mentioned Christmas and that there would be a lot of eating.

This is true, although i am planning on only eat christmas dinner at mum's and nothing else. I can make it healthy by eating meat, veggies and only a little potato. I'm so disciplined right now that i think i could do it and go straight back to sole source the next day. By December i could potentially be 11 stone 12 and that would surely be enough to spur me to get back on plan. Wow 11 stone 12, it's been probably 6 years since i've been that slim...

My CDC wanted to know if anyone had commented, but honestly unless you look really closely you probably can't tell that i've lost weight. I think when i hit the 12's that people will really be able to see a difference. I'm not losing it from my face, but from around my stomach and i have a long way to go.

Stop it! I'm not going to dwell on that.

I played too much katamari. Saturday night i was dreaming about rolling things up...

Oh no... someone has got chips from the canteen and has brought them back to their desk....help..the smell....so good...

15 stone 4

15 stone 4
Originally uploaded by smallkat.

I think it'll be more rewarding when more has come off! Because i have so much to lose, a stone makes a little difference, but not such a radical one. That said though i have gone from a BMI over over 50 to 48.5. At present unless you examine me closely i don't think you could really tell the difference! I know exactly what you mean about changing obsessions. I love food and i really love eating out and almost everything i do revolves around eating in some form or another. Which is quite a scary thought really. Most of the time i do eat pretty well, my downfall is when i am at work i snack... well maybe not i think it's probably more involved than that as a packet of crisps and a choclate bar doesn't add up to how much i weigh now really. Being single i frequently eat alone and when i do that i think i eat more than i should...it's probably that rather than going out an eat maccy d's every night (which i certainly wasn't doing!).

That's lying to myself.

I know i ate more. I would buy a pizza from Asda and eat the whole thing myself (with no-one to share it with i guess i thought i had to). I would buy entire cakes and eat them myself. Same with packets of sausages and burgers...

I can't wait until i can buy clothes which aren't from the big girl range!

I've heard that Nell McAndrew's dvd's are supposed to be good, but could a very unfit person follow them?

I had the first Bev Callard video and i did that all the time when i first got skinny. I gave that to Joolz though as i did it so often that i ended up quite sick of it. That reminds me, i found osme clothes that i bought when i get that skinny...how on earth i fitted into them i do not know. And yet i did very comfortabley. I doubt that if i lose all the weight now that i will unless i have surgery!

I'm a bit calmer now. I've plugged my numbers into one of those programmes that works otu how many carolies i need, apparently i need about 2.5k so if i'm eating 400 i have to lose weight at some point.

A big hallo to Fiona, mmm cheese on toast..... oh stop it!!

The cambridge diet thing i'm planning on doing until i get slim. If i lose 4lbs a week, that bring me until March. I am very overweight, and i do know it so i have long way to go. It is definately not a diet for everyone. They don't let you do it if you have less than three stone to lose. It is very radical, and i think a lot of people mentally raise eyebrows at what i am doing. However, the fact is that i am (still!) morbidly obese and am in danger of heart attack, diabetes, further knee and ankles problems etc etc. I find that slimming world works well for me, but because i have so much to lose it would take me years and as soon as i consciously realise it, i get discouraged.

I am glad that i am inspiring you Fiona, you've inspired me to not get discouraged but to keep with it! For that i thank you!

I'll post a picture over myself this week, so that one stone gone can be seen and not just imagined.

Scales slightly moved this morning, but i am a bit concerned about this slow down in weight loss. There is a coffee and cake sale in aid of Macmillan at work, how much would i love a cup of tea and a cake?

Quite a lot really.

I am struggling quite badly today. Feeling desperately hungry (i was told the hunger would go, but it hasn't really!) and a bit depressed and squashed as i won't meet my 4lb target. Will this eventually slow down and stop altogether? This is my main worry, as i am spending a lot and my desire to eat is very strong. Although, that said, i have not given in despite the temptation which surrounds me at work. Work is definately the hardest.

Maybe i need more of a goal...but it's so far off and the weightloss slowing down means tat goal is getting further and further away. I don't know. I'm so mixed up and confused. I just wish this could be over.

I think that i'm going to have to get serious about doing exercise. I don't have any vids anymore so i'm going to look for a dvd.

i'm still stuck at one stone lost. I suppose in a way i should be grateful, but honestly when i spend my lunchtime watching my friends eat a full roast and i just have a glass of water i would expect the scales to shift after three days!

Did a good bit of revision last night, the funeral speech and most of Lysistrata. I'm just going through blocks, and i'm going to go through the reading books on the weekend as there is much more in those! I shall just be glad when it's over!

Tough at lunch today as one of the options was comberland sausage and mash. For resisiting that i feel i should deserve to lose two lbs overnight! It was also had as one of my work colleages kept asking me to taste his dessert.He knows i'm not eating, but kept pushing me to eat it.

I didn't, but oh boy i could have.

I think i'm going to plan a trip to London after my exam. I've wanted to go to the V & A for ages...I'd love to go and show too...but then i would want to eat...so maybe i would be better with a day trip.

For those of you worrying about my bag, it was at home. Phew!

I woke up this morning with a killer headache, and now at work i'm finding it really hard to concentrate. I've taken a paracetamol, but so far it's not really helping. Getting ill when i'm trying to revise at night and gear up for an exam is not good.

i'm doing block 2 at the moment, doing a section a night. Most of it i already know, which is good as it bolsters my confidence, and is preparing me for the roman stuff which i don't like. I keep reminding myself that i just need to pass! I would love to get a good pass 2 overall, but i'm not going to beat myself up too much. After all, this is for fun!

Scales a bit stuck still, but at least they show that i've lost a stone.

When i've tried SW the last two times i would get close to half a stone and then i would slip, get discouraged and would never go back. Whats so different this time? Well, i supposed i didn't really like the SW group i was in, the leader wasn't inspiring and had no control over the group who would mostly talk loudly over what she was saying...

Had another play at Katamari last night, good fun, but i forgot to save! Oh well, probably none tonight, and i'll have a good stab at Lysistrata..

I've now registered and paid for the astronomy course. The course fees are 115 pounds, so 60 of those will go with my regular 60 quid cc payment, the rest from the next cycles on-call money, so hopefully i should managed to clear the card again next month. I'm hoping that it will also give me something to think about and focus on other than food and weight-loss!

Did you know that New Look are now doing shoes for teens? Brilliant! My feet are really small and this is ideal, i was so excited that i told the store manager and hoped that she woudl pass on how grateful i was to head office. You never know! I didn't buy anything, as i have already spent my clothes allowance for this month, but it was actually nice to be in a "normal" shop for once. New Looks Inspire range (the big sizes) is pitifully small, so i cannot wait until i can fit into their normal clothes!

I feel like I have completely wasted my twenties...well now i'm in my thirties things are going to be different.

Joolz has invited me to a pirates and castaway party in Oxford (i'm guessing Kate's doing it). I don't know when, and i know that food will be a massive lure, so i will have to find out when so i can plan extra tetras.

Slightly concerned as i appear to have misplaced my ratty asda bag which held things like my palm cd and my cheque book. It's not in my car, and i swear that i didn't bring it into my house last night. I am really hoping that i did as it also have my YouGov cheque in it, which i have not yet had time to take to the bank.

With the on-call money from two weeks ago i've now paid off my credit card! It's not money that i can rely on coming in each month, but definately good to use for paying it off! It does mean that next month i have 60 pounds...so i guess i could sign up for the astronomy course...

I could murder a cauliflower gratin right now...

Or a jacket potato wih tuna mayo...

Sorry to get my Steve's mixed up! I'm not really much of a drinker (except when it comes to gin). I still have a good half a bottle of gin in my cupboard, nice organic gin from Highgrove....oh don't get me started on that too, it's bad enough thinking and dreaming about food!

Steve, you are always the purveyor of wisdom. I, in fact, met my target of losing 4lbs this week, and at my unoffical weigh-in on Saturday i was 15 stone 8 - which is a loss of 5lbs! Yey me! I do rather jump on and off the scales, which is not always productive, but at this point in time i can't stop!

I'm ot hoping for such a big loss this week for various reasons which i want go into here, but i'm sure the ladies reading this will know what i mean!

Despite that though i should be able to reach one stone lost, which means i could be buying my wireless router next weekend!

I don't want this to become just a log of weight loss and dieting, but i guess because of my weight i haven't been able to do what i want...

I'm thinking about doing the OU astronomy short course over the xmas period. I don't need to do it, as i have enough points now. It's over 100 quid though, which would have to go on my credit card, which is mildly annoying as i am so close to paying off my credit card (just over 100 left on it). The OU don't let you pay for short courses in installments, unlike their normal courses and this was really something i was thinking about yesterday evening.

that reminds me, i finally got my Katamari game! I had a short play with it on Sunday, it's a very strange game, but i can see me getting into it. So i guess the winter break could be taken up with either astronomy or katamari!

I swear i can smell buttered toast in the air....mm toast with pate...

I went to my last tutorial on Saturday, i stayed for the whole day and i do feel nwo like i could do the exam. I just need to plod my way through the blocks, and read my texts. I'm probably still going to answer questions about 5th century athens and roman life, but i am still going over homer as it could come up as a source question...

I shall just be glad when it's over as i really do hate exams. Next year i think is going to be a killer...

Just think though, gentle readers, by the time i start my next course i could be slim! I coudl even go back to having a jacket potato after a tutorial (if they do level 3 tutorials). Looking at the kind of food i ate, mostly it was pretty healthy. Weetabix for breakfast, something hot from the canteen for lunch and something lighter for tea like pasta or a simple boiled egg with soldiers. It was all of the snacks that i ate during the day that was bad. After all, a Saturday treat of a jacket potato with cheese and beans is not exactly a bad thing! I can see me eating much more vegetarian food in the future, plenty of pasta, beans, rice. After all, as i said several times, it wasn't as if was going home and eating a whole packet of biscuits, or having macdonalds every night.

When i was strolling through Birmingham on Saturday i noticed that one of the shops (think it was gregs) are not doing hot wraps. I nearly caved then and there as i love wraps, and hot wraps are even better. I was strong though.

Day 13, and i'm really quite upset as i appear to have put a pound. I don't really understand how this can have happened as i have stuck to the diet 100%. I could weep, especially as i came into the office, sat down at my desk and someone was eating a bacon and fried egg sandwich which smelled so delicious.

I especially can't believe it after i went for a walk yesterday lunch, and went and walked around Asda.

Urgh, the water tastes weird at work today.

I swear i am trying not to think about food, and running off to spud-u-like tomorrow. honestly thought i would love a walnut and stilton Galette with a carrot salad.

I think i'm going to invest in some scales which measure body fat, as although i put on a 1lb i must surely have lost body fat. I shouldn't really be spending money, as i did buy that t-shirt at the pipettes, but i need to do something to keep me really motivated.

Going to go round to Linds tonight to try and fix her PC. I doubt i can, as i'll need the orginal windows discs, which she probably hasn't got anymore.

I'm trying to actively move more at work. Things like getting up and going over to people desks to speak to them, instead of msning them or emailing them. Everybit has to help, right? No walk at lunchtime today as it is pouring down...

The Pipettes were cool last night. I couldn't see a great deal, i was on the second line of people from the front, but of course everyone was taller than me! I tried to take a couple of pictures, but mostly all you can see is the arms of the people in front of me! oh well! Still, the music was great. I had to stand for nearly 3 and a half hours. My back didn't hurt, but boy did my feet. And after that i didn't lose the pound ihad hoped for. Ah well. Still, i bought a t-shirt and i hope to keep losing weight so that i can fit in it. apparently Becki from The Pipettes was moved to tears because people were having such a great time being there seeing them! It was terribly hot, the poor girls were dripping after only a few songs, but i think that the tour started out great - and i hope that everyone else who goes to see them also has a good time!

The next gig i'm going to is Imogen Heap, i'm hoping that it's downstairs so that i can go to the balcony and get a better view! I should also weigh less by then, so my legs might keep going!

I'm on track to lose 4lbs by weigh-in on Saturday (it's not an official weigh-in as my CDC is now only doing fortnightly sessions), so hopefully the week after i will be well over my stone lost, and i'll be buying a wireless router!

I went out for a brief walk at lunchtime, as i know i won't be exercising tonight. I have to go to Asda to buy catfood, the get home, have my evening soup and then study. I've got a tutorial on Saturday, and i'm probably going to stay for the whole day. I think it's better that way as i associate going to a tutorial with going to spud-u-like for lunch afterwords. Heck, there are even books that i associate with food : The school at the chalet is me eating a hot fat jacket at The Fort with beans and cheese...

When i'm lonely i often take myself off for a meal...

One of the ways in which i am going to change my life when i have finished with this crazy diet is to make really delicious packed lunches. Not the boring plain ham sandwiches which i batch make and freeze, but wraps with salad and a little chicken, fruit and plenty of water.

Had a call from Linds last night, more computer problems. It could be a virus, or it could be that their copy of XP was one of those that was a corporate edition and other people have also registered it. They seem to get a lot of viruses, far too many for normal. I've only had one virus in the last ten years, i guess.... I've said that i will go over on Friday night and try and help. I suspect that it may be a good idea to completely reinstall xp, but she has no idea where the cd's are... I don't mind helping out, but everytime i go around there i usually spend several hours downloading all of the updates, and trying to fix all of the viruses, and i get so tired... and all for nothing! Especially since now i can't even get a meal out of it (normally if i do it on a weekend, i get lunch!). Oh well. I am too good.

I had a good harrumph as i got onto the motorway this morning. Now there are numerous signs on the slip road for roadworks, speed camera and speed limits which were not there yesterday. I couild definately only see the one camera, so i should be ok - but really, they should have had those signs on the slip road yesterday morning.

Day 11 and i'm doing better. Still hungry, and still have dreadful skin. I am now craving a tuna jacket potato. Seriously badly.

Still, i'm off to see the Pipettes tonight. I'm going to have to drive into Brum, but i have no idea where to park. I can see myself ending up at Selfridges which is mega expensive...

Last night i did a bit of my eye toy kinetic, and tonight i'll jump and dance around to the pipettes, so i am getting a bit of exercise in!

I've been doing some digging and it looks like they are SPECs cameras which measure your average speed, and if the one i went through (if indeed it was up by then) was the last one, then i should be ok. I'm pretty sure that there isn't anywhere to put another between there and where the speed restriction ends, so i'm feeling better now. I am still rather cross though that they didn't have signs on the slipway this morning.

I am so cross. They've put in a contrflow around junction 5 of the m6 with a 40 speed limit. Did they have signs on the slip road up to the motorway this morning? No. So of course i didn't do 40 until i saw a sign on the motorway telling me that it was 40 and a speedcam area. Did i go past a policeman on the motorway this morning? Yes. As i came back home this evening there was definately a speed camera on one of the gantries. I am furious. My only hope is that it wasn't there this morning. But hey, at least they have signs on the slip road now saying that it's 40, so i am praying that the camera wasn't there this morning either and that the police were there to protect the people putting up the camera.

I can hope right? Otherwise i feel it's a bit unfair really. I guess i have to wait two weeks...

Day 10 and i'm doing ok. I'm losing, i think, about 0.5 lb a day. Boy do i wish it were a whole pound. I am going to make an effort to do some exercise as i think that will help a lot. I am still really hungry though.

We had a visitor at work, which meant a free buffet lunch was laid on. I had to keep walking past trays of delicate sandwiches (tuna and cucumber, yum), slices of pizza, vol-au-vents and some lovely looking fruit (i love strawberries). I was so strong though.

I'm still organising the evening do at work - and looking at menus of food is so hard. The hunger hasn't gone away at all, i long to eat food and feel "full". But maybe when i do start eating again i'll know what realy hunger actually feels like!

I think the problem at the moment is how long can i go before i finally crack; i keep hearing that hunger is supposed to go - but it hasn't yet for me!

Day 9 and i cannot say that the hunger has abated at all. I am ravenous. My CDC said it should get easier this week and next week, but i am still shakey and could chew my own arm off... Still i keep reminding myself that i lost 7.2 lbs, which is a good loss. I want to try and lose 4lbs a week, and i'm going to buy myself rewards when i get there. The first thing that i want is a nintendo ds. However, I discovered that at teh end of October they are going to bring out a pink one in Europe! So for my first stone i'm going to buy a wireless router and usb adaptor.

I am struggling somewhat, but using that and the fact that when i go to see Nerina next in November I want to have lost a significant amount!

I get a fair amount of stick at work for doing this, but i am just letting it ride over me. I am sorely tested though!

Thanks Steve, I am sticking with it! I think it's more that i have such a lot to lose that it can be a bit soul destroying. Plus i've not really thought about what happens with my eating when i start back again. I love food...

On another note my grandpa's estate got sorted out a few weeks ago, the solicitors were supposed to give grandma her money and they still have not. My mum got quite irate with them, and they aren't going not charge a fee now. I should hope not, as i feel entirely certain that they have made a nice packet from the interest. They have been terrible, not doing anything unless my mum phones up and hassles them, sending letters which are full of inaccuracies and spelling mistakes. When grandma dies (which is a rather morbid thing to think about i guess, but since we've been dealing with probate issues since 1999, there's little point in pretending that it won't happen) there is no way we will use them for grandma's estate.

Mum says that grandma is a bit frail now, and when my exam and revision time is over, i'll start going up with mum to visit her. No eating though which is going to be mega hard. Mum also says that my sister is getting too thin. She is going to the gym a lot...guess mum can't win.

I'm organsing an evening out with work at a pub, which means i'm having to look at menus for snacks, this is so hard!

Ok i'm going to think about my wireless network and then my pink DS.

In an effort to move more i went and did my walk around Brookvale. The sailing club was out and it was hard not to stop and just watch the boats with pale blue sails glide over the lake! I don't think it's something that i can do weeknights though, it's too far from the road and too many bushes and quiet spots around for me to feel safe (there is a lot of graffitt and litter, which makes me think that some unruly elements of society do go there).

7.2 pounds lost

I think that you can see a difference already - a little gone from around my hips i think.

Day 6, and one of the contractors at work has got the weekly Friday brunch and it smells so good... however said that the hunger pangs would go away is lying...

I swear that i could still eat a horse. I weighed myself again, and i'm nearly at 7lbs lost, so i am hoping for a good half stone. It';s not what i wanted, but then i keep telling myself nto to be so silly, and that this is a good loss. If i hadn't done it, i could have been pushing 17 stone.

I think it's easier to follow the plan when i'm at home because i know that i eat when i'm bored, fed up and stressed.

I started beading again last night, i need to finish off three necklaces that i started which will be for my mum to give as gifts. They are quite nice, and i hope the recipients like them! There are a couple of other projects in the magazines i get (wish more were available in the UK from shops!) which i might make as christmas prezzies for people.

Anything to stop me thinking about food... gosh i wish i had got into the double digits. I've not cheated, and i'm following the plan exactly. I guess i need to move more...I wish i had my dance mat. I lent it to Pin, and i've not been able to meet up with her and get it back. I lvoe dancing, and it doesn't put any strain on my right arm leaping about on the mat. I do get odd looks from passersby though!

I've been asked to organise a night out at work - drinks and good. This is so hard...

The lunch at work today was hot wrap, which is my favourite canteen lunch. So hard... i keep reminding myself that potentially i have lost half a stone in a week, which despite my desire to lose more is VERY GOOD.

I put that last bit in capital letters to remind me.

So hungry though.

me at 166

Me Last Sunday

Thank you to however said i don't look as if i need to lose 7 stone! I hope you are looking at me, an not my friend next to me! It's probably truer to say that i have closer to 9 stone to lose. I weighed (according to my scales) on Sunday 16 stone 6. I should be around 7 stone, but i'm aiming to weigh around 9 stone, and when i get there i'll reassess. I really am very overweight. But hey, at leas i'm doing something about it. Day five now. Still very, very hungry.

Disappointingly i didn't appear to have lost anything over night, so i'm now just hoping for a solid half stone loss this week. I'm thinking that now i'm not feelng quite so lethargic that i should try and do some exercise...

My skin looks really bad. I'm guessing all the water I am drinking is flushing out the toxins, but there is nothing worse than feeling starving hungry and having a face full of spots!

Day 4 and i am HUNGRY. It is much worse when i am at work. However, i do appear to have lost another pound, and i am hoping for a 10lb loss on Saturday, although anything over half a stone would be brill.

It's terrible, i am craving food so badly. However, i do appear to have lost a further 2lbs, which makes 5lbs in two days...I'm hoping for a good loss at weigh-in which hopfully will keep my going. But oh...i keep dreaming about soft jacket potatos, and going to the cinema and having salty popcorn. It's interesting that the food i am craving is savoury and not sweet...

Still, i'm on day three...I've told my buddies at work. They aren't too impressed, and said i should just eat healthily (they are blokes, by the way). I can understand where they are coming from, and if i had just a couple of stone to lose, then i probably would. However, as i have at least 7 stone to lose, it would take me a long time. If i can keep this up, my plan is to then switch to something like SW, which i know i can do and is healthy, but has a slower weight loss.

To try and take my mind of food eating, and as revision diversion i've won a Katamari game for my ps2. I suspect that this Weekend i will finally get down to doing some revision, i'm not really quite "with it" enough on this first week on CD.

I feel terrible - dreadful light-headed and HUNGRY.

i am sipping my chocolate brik, which is not so bad today. I hope i get into ketosis soon, cos i am starving (possibly quite literally)

Well Saturday morning i met with my Cambridge diet counsillor. She's very strict, a bit like an army officer. I'm not sure that i'm going to get on with her, so i may end up swopping... She rather rushed through all the "choices", and i felt a bit railroaded...

In the afternoon i went to a work do, and i ate sausages, pasta salad, jacket potatoes and had a woodpecker. In the evening i came home and made a spaghetti dish, and this will be the last food i eat for a while.

Sunday i started the diet. I had a butterscotch flavoured shake, which i did not like at all. The smell, coupled with the taste, made me want to heave. Then i had a chocolate tetra pack (a ready made shake) which was not that nice either, but at least when i drink it from the pack in a straw i can't smell it.

In the evening i had a chicken and mushroom which was ok - i'm just not the keen on mushroom flavourings...

This morning i had a vanilla shake which was pretty nice (thank goodness!). My main problem is drinking them fast enough. I'm a really slow eater at the best of times, oh well.

The best part is that i checked the scales this morning, and according to mine i have lost 3lbs in one day. I know that the first week i will lose a lot, so i'm calculating that i will lose 4lbs a week and i could be slim by next March. I know that i'm going to eat properly for christmas dinner. I don't care how much of a dragon my cdc is, that has to be done. I only hope i can sticj to it for that long. I'm hoping that good weightlosses will spur me on. Of course, the less i weigh, the easier i should find exercise, so even if i can't stick to it, a healthier lifestyle is better anyway...

I'm pretty hungry and i am craving a jacket potato with just a sliver of butter on it...

I guess after a month i will also see how much it costs me in real terms as it is not cheap (but cheaper than LL) My councillor is also over the way in aldridge which is ok on a Saturday, but a bit far on a week night. It would be ok, but i have to think about feeding Charlie!

It's hard for me to write this, but i am so embarassed and ashamed of my weight

I need to start looking around for a new mortgage as the discount rate on mine runs out in December.

Oh god - there are samosas at work. I LOVE them - the smell is driving me crazy.

I phoned up the counsilor last night i'm going to see her, with a couple of other ladies, tomorrow afternoon. I'm quite scared as this is a big step for me, but i'm tired of my weight going up and up, being in pain...

To pay for it, i'm going to be strict and use a week of on call money, the car is going to have to wait...

Please think of me tomorrow. I am so tired of everything. I used to be a very lively, active person - orienteering, skiing, dancing the night away, long walks up mountains...

One thing i noticed after being at Gorsley was how well my skin cleared up. I bascially spent all day sitting or roaming outside, with an hour in the morning and an hour at night in the Big Top. Now i'm back at work, and at my desk in an office all day my skin is back to being red and sensitive and blemished.

I guess i never really explained how i found out about Gorsley! It's through Linds,she is friends with someone who worships are the church (i'm afraid i can't remember his name possibly a goulding (in-joke to people who were there on the weekend!)) Did you go this year, Jason? If you saw a very short, overweight chica, it could well have been me! I'm in North birmingham which seems to be very very short on lively churchs - please let me know the names of the one you know, i'll go check them out!

I must add that the group of people i know at Gorsley are known for being rather loud late at night...if you were there and we disturbed you, sorry (although i hasten to add, that it wasn't me being loud!)

I've also applied for another job at work, i don't really have much confidence anymore and the rejections don't really help - but i try!

I've made the decision to go onto the cambridge diet. This is a big step for me, as i love food. I just cannot carry on as i have been though. If i do, i will die.

I got the 59 quid yougov cheque last night! Trouble is the price of bikes at halfords has gone up quite a bit.

I forgot to mention that i decided to go to St cuthberts, my local c of e church on Sunday. The people there were rather on the old side, only a handful of younger people, and a very small congregation. However, the Church Warden welcomed me, and made sure i was followed the service correctly (parts were sung), but it was very High Church. It followed the Anglican book of prayer, most of which i can still recite by heart, but there were "bells and smells", a lot of genuflecting and praying to an Ikon of the Virgin Mary. I don't really think it's for me. Which is a pity, as it is in walking distance of my house, which encourages me to move rather than get in my car...

I am still giving real consideration to doing something like the Cambridge diet. I'm going to wait until i've paid off my credit card, which should be on November...i may even wait until after Christmas, as i think it will stress me out too much...but who knows. I believe it's about half the price of lighter living, and of course i won't be buying normal food, which will go some of the way to helping pay for it. I find it so frustrating getting bigger and bigger. It really isn't as if i sit at hoem and eat a packet of biscuits each night. Lately i've been having very simple meals of scrambled eggs and toast, or spaghetti carbonara which is made without cream or cheese (just spag, some garlic and pancetta fried off in a little olive oil, and then an egg added right at the end). I think i'm getting close to the point where i need to just let go of food completely...

I'm now very eager to pay off my credit card, and perhaps get a little money saved up for car fixing...

Anyway back to the gig. I give Paul, a guy i met at Glee and then the orders signing, a lift down there. We had a really nice chat in the car and found out that we have a lot of interests in common, and that he's going to see the Pipettes too! It took 3 hours, so i was glad that i had alllowed for 4, as it then gave us time to sit in Regents Park and eat some sandwiches. It is a nice park, very well maintained and there were a lot of people using it at around 7pm. If you are ever in the area, and need somewhere to have a nice picnic lunch, I can recommend it. The theatre itself was nice, the seats are sloped so that even I had a good view... now for the bad bit. I was two seats away from the left hand speakers and they were terribly loud. So loud that i had to put my fingers in my ears (and yes, i could still hear perfectly well). The security was very tight on not taking cameras. During the support act (Jon Allen) they were literally going over to people and telling them to stop taking pictures. Which seemed a shame as the guy was ruthlessly plugging his album, so he obviously wants people to take an interest... I can understand it when there is perhaps an official recording going on, or an official photographer (there was no recording, and i saw one official photographer who stayed for the first song, so i'm guessing that he was probably press), but i know that Nerina doesn't mind having her photo taken. And she was wearing a gorgous floating pink dress and lovely sparkly heels. Still Dave took some sneaky photos, but i was in a prime spot and could have got some really good shots..ah well. The security guard who sat close to where i was sitting looked as glum as anything, as if if i tried to take a photo she would be down on me like a ton of bricks..so i didn't dare. The loudness did bother me too, i personally think that Nerina is at her best when it's just her and her piano or guitar. She has such a great voice that she has no need to mask it. Ok, i'll give her the string quartet, but at one point she had three guitarists and drums..and from where i was sitting it did rather drown her out. She commented that the audience was very quiet...i think it was due to the rather draconian security guards personally...

Still, it was Nerina and she is always ace, and i had nice chat with Paul. And it was great to meet some Nerina fans that i haven't seen in at least a year, maybe closer to 3 for some! I also bumped into anna neale, who seems to be going down well in Canada!

I am really tired this morning, after getting home at 2am from the Regents Park Theatre Nerina gig. I've also just eaten a packet of wine gums, and a packet of fruit pastilles and i'm having a big sugar crash.

Note to self: Don't do that again.

I've decided to remove the dreambook - i was just getting loads of dodgy posts. I've you want to contact me, you can leave a comment and i'll either reply personally, or do it in the blog!

One of the things the bloke i was writing about earlier (his name is Dave) was saying that i am looking for something to belong to, to which i can contribute. And that is very true. I don't have much family left anymore, and i'm not particularly close to them. I want to make new friends and be able to share my faith with them...

speaking about the Dreambook i did note a comment about doing something like lighterlife. Believe me, i would but the cost is so prohibitive. Over 60 quid a week...i just don't have the kind of money...

I got the number of the guy who used to run a group for 20's and 30's - before they all started dropping sprogs - to see if i can find a church. He works mainly as a youth minister, but he gave me some good ideas for places to go to. I sent him a text, and i couldn't believe it when he phoned me back about 30 seconds later! We had a good chat, and i hope to keep in touch with him.

I finished tma05 - hurrah! Just revision and an exam to go. I'm giving myself this winter off, so that i can rest before next years course. It will by my first level three, and probably tough...

I'm now down to around 160 quid to pay on my credit card! I then need to build up my pot of money for car repairs, and i will be completely sorted!

Just bought my sisters birthday present, i'll probably get her a little something extra too to sparkle it up.

cheeky cat

P1010011
Originally uploaded by smallkat.

charlie asleep on "his" chair.

My tent

Here is my lovely blue tent at Gorsley. Next to it is the awning of the Linds' trailer tent.

So anyway i went to Gorsley. My tent got pitched with a little help, next time i just know not to worry, and that it will stand when the guys are in. It was snug, and was just the right size. However, i had trouble sleeping. Clearly i am getting soft in my old age, and i'm going to have to invest in some kind of mat. Not an air bed, but several people had these self inflating mats, which they claimed were quite comfy...

The festival was great. There was a really inspirational speaker, Louie Giglio, who completely changed my life.

I have been struggling for a long long time, angry with everyone and everything in that quiet repressed way that only the English have! What he had to say really helped me, and i'm trying to get back to my faith again.

I'm finding it hard though, away from Gorsley. It seems often that in the church there is no place for you if you are over 30, female and single. I'm too old for youth events, although i feel very young and immature, for women it then seems either week day meetings (well, i'm working so i can't go), or meetings for the retired, or toddler groups. I long to find somewhere that would accept me. I feel as if i have wasted the last five years. I could have been branching out and going to places like Taize, and...and... i have to stop looking at the past and regretting it.

Thanks Fiona for your comment. I just write in a rather stream of consciousness way. If you met me in real life the same piffley ramblings would come out!

I am hard on myself, but i have definately come a long way!

I'm going to have to go to the post office on Wednesday and get a price for posting off my TMA. It's very annoying. I don't really want to bend it, as it then gets creased, and it's not nice for my tutor to mark something thats all bent and creased. That means finding out how much it's going to cost. Because it's just 4 or 5 pages of paper, it easily came under the old first class price. Now i reckon it's going to cost 40p at least, which is nearly double! I think that this will spur the OU into rolling out their electronic submission tool for more courses. I don't really know why they haven't done it for this, as it these tmas are just text - no diagrams, or even images.

I did have a wee drink this weekend! My mum went to Highgrove and bought me some organic gin! It's nice stuff, and i had a few shots over the weekend, with plenty of tonic!

I'm getting ready for my trip to Gorsley. I'm probably going to go in convey with Linds and family, and then sneak onto the family site with them. She's also invited me to eat with them, which is really kind - so i may do that, i guess i will see. I'm going to plan for my own food, but perhaps eat with them. I guess it depends on what everyone is doing.

Me, i plan to sleep!

Tomorrow i'm going to argos to get an alarm clock. I did have a nice little travel one, but the humidity in my bathroom killed it off. I've seen a nice pink one with a big display, so that i should be able tor ead it without my glasses on. I also need to go and buy batteries for my little lantern, and a vaccum for my car. My car is really disgustingly dirty, with grass in it from last years Gorsley festival!

Linds also said that i can put my few bits and pieces in their fridge, so that works out well. Plus they will help my put my tent up, and i can help with their trailer tent. I think i'm still going to take both my tents though...

It's this time of the year when i look back and realise what i giant failure i have made of my life. I coudl sit here and blame it on other people, and in part i suppose it's true. I mean, there's a reason why neither me or my sister are married with a family years after our friends have settled down...i think it's one of those things where when you don't see a happy familly it's hard to know how to do it for yourself...

There are other things too, such as we always had to be happy and smiley and "good". I got drunk once, day my boyfriend had dumped me and i had gone to the funeral of one of my schoolfriends. I was told that i was something to be ashamed of. I think in a normal family i would have been comforted at those two events, and not too much fuss made of the fact that to try and cope with the terrible pain i got very drunk.

Of course there are plenty, plenty of decisions which i have made myself, and i wish i could change everything. I honestly would.

The one thing i struggle with now is my weight. I truly do not believe that i eat a lot. I don't sit there eating packets of biscuits, or KFC every night.

I try and think positively about things i have done. Frinstance my OU degree. I am doing well at that. I do need to get 70 on my exam though to get a grade 2, which is asking quite a bit. But i'm confident that i will pass though, and thats the main thing. Got a tutorial tomorrow, i could really do with a lie in. This is what happens when i don't go to bed at 10pm.

I'm going to get my hair cut tomorrow, too. It's too long and is annoying me now!

sometimes though i think that maybe i was never meant to meet anyone and have a family so that the cycle of neglect and abuse can stop.

Although i then think that i am a nice person, and i do deserve to meet someone and get the happiness i crave, but my weight really prevents me from having the courage to meet anyone...

Tonight i'm going to try and extend my cookery skills and make a crab and lemon pasta. It sounds pretty easy and i think i like crab...i hope so anyway! Wish me luck!

I used the Sam Stern cookery book that i got for cheap from the book people. I made scrambled eggs out of it (simple i know, but one has to start somewhere), and they were delicious. I ate them with buttered toast, and they were beautiful and sweet. I also tried making an omelette from the book, but i think i preferred the taste of the scrambled eggs!

I went to wilkos in Chelmsley Wood yesterday and picked up the AA book of family walks (for inspiration) and a microwave egg cooker. essentially you crack an egg into it, pierce the yolk and cook. You should end up with a soft boiled egg. It wasn't as good as a traditionally boiled egg, but as it took 45 seconds, instead of minutes heating up the water, then 4 minutes for the egg, it was more energy efficient.

I am still thinking about me camping in Gorsley and keeping things fresh. I'm sure i could nab some space in Linds' fridge. I don't really need much. Maybe a place for some butter and milk. I hope that they are going! I'm pretty certain that they haven't boked it yet. I kind of wish i was going to be in the same field as them, but the extra exercise will do me good. I'm thinking that perhaps over the winter i may invest in a cool box and leisure battery...

I did ok with my tma, a little over 200 words left. Tonight i'm going to go through a find references for those things that i couldn't find them for. It's boring, but needs to be done, and is a nice break from writing. I did a lot of editing and moving sections around over the weekend, so hopefully it is a better essay. I may leave where it is after then until the tutorial on Saturday. I can easily write 200 words in a weekend, so i am pleased. I've started on the last block now. A bit nervous about the exam, i have no clue what i should be looking at to revise, but hopefully the tutorial will give me some thoughts.

Still waiting to get my 50 quid from Yougov, so i can go and buy a new bike!

I'm going to have to get the windscreen on my car replaced at some point. It's now at the limit for repairs... i really do need to save for car repairs...

I went to wing yips on Saturday. There is an almost overwhelming variety of food! I was sorely tempted to go to wing wah for a buffet lunch, but remembered that i am trying to not eat out this month, in an attempt to get that credit card bill down.

Still plodding along with the TMA, dull work, but i'll type on Saturday and that will make me feel better! I'm giving myself tonight off, but will go through Pliny to pick out anything else i can write about. I can still have done the full 2000 words before the tutorial, so i'm feeling good!

Paid off 150 quid from my credit card, it's slowly but surely going down. No extra money in my car fund though...

I'm not going to eat out this month, I spend too much on it. I also need to seriously think about bringing in food to work, as i spend loads here. I've used some savings to pay for my camping equipment. I have a little money tucked away and it's nice to ocasionally spend it on something makes me happy (like my PVR!), but thats few and far between.

Having packed lunches and no eating out, should free up quite a bit of money each month. No doubt i'll spend it on books and cd's, but thats ok.

I went to go outdoors and bought the merlin 3. I tried to put it up on Sunday bit it was much too hot. I was just sliding poles through holes and the sweat was dripping off my nose! I think that this tent is more of a two person job, although the heat did put me off. I managed the smaller one by myself... but still, i hopefully should be able to get help from Lindsay and co to take one end of the tent, me the other and pull!
<>PI am so fat, today i feel like a huge round blob. But i can't stop eating. It hurts, and i hurt. Honestly, if i could have my jaws wired shut, i would.

Have to go and feed mums cat, then my own and the 100 words! I am on track, although am running out of things to write, and am about half way through.

Speaking of OU, i "only" got 70 for my last tma. It wasn't the best i have written, but 70 is a good score, and i think will land me a comfortable grade 2(2:1) if i don't mess up the exam. Last year it was a close call...

Anyway, but to more interesting stuff. At go outdoors i caved and bought a suitcase style stove. I'm pleased with it. I can use that for things that require a much hotter temperature, and the eurohike for simmering. It got very hot very quickly, and i fried some sausages and an egg nicely. I think it's much too powerful for a gentle simmer though, i was frying on almost the lowest mark on the scale! I also got a rubber mallet, and peg puller and an igniter. I was very pleased with all of those. I just need a water carrier and a table now i think.

The only thing that i'm really missing is a way to keep food cool. It's not a campsite, so no way of getting frozen packs to put in a cooler...

I decided to try out the longlife brunch on my trangia. It didn't really fry terribly well, so i am thinking about getting a very small gas stove, so that i can do fry's and probably boil water, which lives the eurohike for simmering away. The actual brunch was quite tasty, but was really just slices of potato, a little fat to fry them in, some very small pieces of bacon and a vague oniony taste. So i'm back to the drawing board again. Now i'm thinking about something simple like bagels and spread.

I need to exercise. My knees and back hurt today. I think i need to get my eye toy working again...

sore throat-wise i'm feeling better, but now i have tooth ache and a headache. urgh. I had 3 hours of work yesterday as TOIL, and i motored over to go outdoors to look at the merlin 3. They had it set up, and the porch was not big enough to stand up in, so the picture was a bit deceiving! The store itself was nice, big with loads of tents on display, and soem quite reasonable prices. I didn't buy anything, but i am giving some serious considering to the merlin. There was plenty of room for me to sit down, and i guess i could cook on my trangia inside. they had the suitcase style gas stoves for a tenner, which is quite a bargain, and quite tempting to try in case i fail miserably with my trangia! I am going to try frying with it this Saturday. I bought a sainsburys longlife bacon, potato and onion mixture. they used to do two different versions of this, but it now seems to be down to just one. If not, i will head back to the shop on Saturday and buy the gas stove. My gelert is a good tent, but probably a bit small for a 4 day festival...

I've practically finished part 1 of tma05. I'm going to leave that now til after the tutorial, as i may get some ideas from that. Part 2, i do have time enough to do if i take a good steady pace. There is even enough time for me to go to Gorsley. Tonight i'm going to do some proper planning, and a hundred words which hopefully should put me in good stead.

I think i'm going to stop salsa. my right arm started hurting again. I skipped salsa last week, and lo and behold, my arm isn't sore. I LOVE to dance, but i don't love having a painful arm.

Feeling better today - hurrah. I've been looking at tents, and i'm thinking about getting something like the wynnster Merlin 3. Bigger than the one i have now, but it would give me a little porch, so i could sit inside when it rains(which it will in the UK). Do i look at buying it now or later? For Gorsley the small one if probably ok - as i can always hide in Lindsays tent...

Feel quite crappy. Sore throat and ear ache on my left side. Generally under the weather. And i have made no progress on my tma at all. I feel so out of practice, that it is hard to knuckle down and even write 100 words.

I did quite a bit of driving this weekend, but i ended up buying a trangia style cookset from Blacks, and some fuel called greenheat. This is an eco-friendly fuel made from by-products of sugar cane. Whilst the idea of a gas twin burner was tempting, i was uneasy about using even more non-renewable energy. The trangia uses meths, which is more environmentally friendly. However, i was a bit scared of maths, so i googled for alternative fuels and found greenheat. Each pack comes with two cans of a gloopy greengel. The can is supposed to fit in the tangia where the burner normally goes, but the eurohike trangia knock-off is a little smaller, so the can didn't fit. I poured the gel into the burner instead and this worked well. The first go, it lit for a short while but then went out. Perhaps i had filled it too much? The second go, there was a definate pop sound, and the gel light. You can't see the light, but you can feel the heat. I put a tin of beans, sausages, potatoes etc in a pan and left to heat. It didn't take that long to heat through and have a warm meal for me! The actual food wasn't that great, so i won't be doing those for breakfast at gorsley.

I'm going to experiment over the next few weeks, so that when i'm actually there i am confident that i can feed myself! I'm planning on cooking pasta, maybe a lentil curry, some minced beef stew affair, and more pasta! I'll throw in a couple pf pastansauce's and some dried rice meals for snacks. tins are heavy, but i'm coming in the car, and of course they won't be there on the way back.

I made a start on tma05 part one, a little under half way through, and a plan for the rest of it. Part two is one of the longest essays i've had to do through the OU. I can't get myself motivated at all to write. I have around 31 days, although several of those are going to by Gorsley days, so i do need to get started with this. I am again instituting my 100 words a day rule, so that I can do it at a steady pace, but i'm still finding it hard. Maybe i need a break from OU? That said, i will get a few months break over christmas, maybe that will be enough?

Had to fork out for car tax on Saturday, but i've now added that to my monthly saver, so next January, there will be no big shock. So again, i now have left my credit card, and future spends on mots and fixing the car. That said i do have to pay 55 quid for Gorsley...

There is a little bit of expenditure for my camping adventures, but once i have most of the stuff, thats it. Just refueling and more food. I wouldn't mind a tent with a little porch, so i could have somewhere to sit and do stuff when it rains, but thats way off (plus would i even be able to put it up?)

I'm now just 25p away from getting my yougov 50 quid! There is a good chance that i might be able to buy a new bike next month!

Thank you Steve for your comments about camping! I used to love camping as a child. I went from the ages for 11 to 19 with GB or BB, some in church halls, but most in those big bluey green big canvas affairs. A big marquee tent for meals and a cookhouse and QM stores. Flags and reveille. They were happy days!

I am completely intrigued by Steve's plan. I hate the fact that i have to commute so far to work. Car sharing is a good idea, although in my case it didn't work out (for which i am kind of glad as the constant swearing was really getting to me), but i would do it again if it was possible.

I think Steve is right about Haven, i think i would go crazy from the noise! I am planning on going to Gorsley, which would at least give me things to do, although last year i didn't agree with the viewpoints/opinions/dogma of some of the speakers. The thing about holidaying alone is that you need stuff to do. At least, i do. I live alone, so i'm comfortable about being by myself, but it's also not a break for me.

I like walking, and prefer to do it by myself as i usually lag far behind most people. Maybe i should find somewhere that has some nice easy walks and try it out. Of course i do have the cat to think about. Anyone fancy cat sitting? All you have to do is feed and scratch behind ears!

I want to live in a more environmentally friendly way. I recycle, i would say, 98% of the paper i receive. And this is despite my recycling bag being constantly stolen. I want to try and do plastics next, although i know that this is more difficult as some places don't take them.

Back to Lichfield. I'm off to my favourite restaurant - the Creperie- tonight with Mel from the OU. I've not seen her in such a long time!

I've been looking on the uk campsite website - there is a meet for solo campers! I am quite tempted by that. Apparently it could be a fiver a night for a small two man dome (which mine is), so a tenner - plus food and drinks wouldn't be bad at all. I think i'm going to jacksons tomorrow, and look into stoves. If i go to Gorsley i'll have plenty of back up from Lindsay et al, so this could be a way to look into going it alone.

Last night i decided to pitch my tent for the first time. It didn't take long, up and down in an hour - so now that i know what to do i should be an awful lot quicker! I couldn't do the guys though, as my garden isn't big enough. The tent itself is a two man tent, although i don't know how big these alleged two men are supposed to be! One person and her stuff is about all it's big enough for! It felt quite cosy...

I need to get started on tma05. This hot weather has left me feeling very lazy, and i've done no studying at all. I know i have over a month, and many spare weekends for longer writing and typing, but i could do with it.

I feel like buying a vw camper van and running away. I realise that a holiday is out this year, but i think i may join the camping and caravanning club, and try and go somewhere next year. I saw a link to Haven sites, and for around 15 quid a night i can get a pitch, with access to toilet an shower block!

I've been looking at my nectar points, and i have enough for 20 quid at Argos, so i could buy a lantern and a mess kit.

I need a holiday. I know i should be paying off my credit card, but i seriously need to get away from home. I'm looking at language and dance holidays, which seem like fun. Language in the morning, and dancing in the afternoon/evening. Or something. I think i'm going to start a new ing pot for a holiday fund. What i'm doing is surviving, not living. After all, i am now coming to the conclusion that it is now unlikely that i will have a boyfriend again, and i will certainly never have anyone want to marry me. And of course, i won't be having children because of this. Therefore, i need to do something other than get up, go to work, go home and go to sleep. Studying is ok, but when you distance learn, it's all at home!

most singles holidays seem to be around the 400+ mark, which is almost as much as i owe on my credit card... That said, if i am good next month, i could try and put all of my standby money onto it. That would bring it down by nearly a half.

My hope for going to Gorsley i think it pretty much down. I have a lot of camping equipment to buy, and it's not much cheaper on ebay to be honest, plus the cost of the weekend pass. I may still save up for the camping equipment, since things like a stove and pots, once i have them then i dont need to spend again!

Ok own up - who is in NY? I am very jealous of you if you are.

The previous person to make a comment i still think is wrong. Yesterday i ate a baguette and chips instead of a jacket potato, and my weight dropped. Still if it works, i'll do it.

I'm not looking forward to Salsa in this heat...

I was so good during my week off work. I made a batch of sandwiches, and after they defrosted each day, i pu in a little mayo and some cress. Lovely. Unfortunately Saturday and Sunday it all went wrong, and the few pounds i had lost of the week, i put on and then some in just two days. I'm now at my heaviest ever. Yesterday i was good, but my weight still went up. I'm going to have to do something drastic.

I think i'm generally just feeling a bit down as i was supposed to be debt free by now, but it's gone up again to over 400 quid, and looks like i won't be able to pay it off until November.

Went to Salsa again last night. They are going too slow for me. We covered all of the steps we did last week, I need more! I'm looking round for other Salsa classes. There is one in Sutton on a Monday night, so i could go and check at the beginners at that one and have an eyeball at the improvers.

Through work ive got a free 5 day pass for fitness first in Cov. It's for next week, which i have off work, so this is brilliant timing. It's nowhere near me, but as i'm off work this doesn't matter so much. I can go every working day next week, which has to be good for me! I can do balance classes again; hurrah!

What i'd like to know is why on the days when i have a jacket and beans for lunch my weight goes up, when i have a baguette and chips my weight goes down! I'm sure it can't last though...

Off to the BM tomorrow. A very early start, and i just hope that there is no traffic so i can hit the Capital for 9, or 9:30 at the very latest. I bought bread, chicken and spread yesterday, so i'm sandwich making tonight. I've got a banana, and a bottle of water.

I know i don't have much money (need to budget tonight), but i think i'm going to do a SPICE event. I need to get out and meet people and LIVE.

Put even more weight on over the weekend, so lets gloss over that.

I've typed up, and biblioed everything that i've written so far, and i have around 200 words left and not much more to do. I am certain to do it in good time. In fact i may type it straight into word tonight. That will leave me a couple of days for editing, which is about right.

The wedding was good, so nice to see people i've not seen in about a year!

Grandma was ok.

Blah blah.

I am looking forward to the visit to the BM this Saturday. I cannot believe how quickly it came round. I'm aiming to get to London for 9, leaving me an hour to make it to the BM. This should be sufficient and have a little time built in in case the coach hits traffic. It's only three stops on the tube, plus a short walk - so i think i should be ok. IF it's not, well it's not.

Blah Blah.

I was walking from the car park to my car this morning, and i realised that i regret just about everything in my entire life. If i had the chance to do everything over, i wouldn't do the same things again. I feel as if i have wasted my life, and now it's going nowhere. All i have ever wanted was to be married with a family, and that possibility is basically gone now. I live quite a lonely life, with all of my friends married with children. I struggle with money, and my house is in such a state that i couldn't sell it.

Where do i go from here? The only thing i like is studying Classics, but i have to pay the bills! There are so many things i want to do, like study Japanese (again), but can't because of my job, or...or...i'm filled with fear, too scared to push on the things i do want because of worries about financial security

I ended my evening by coming home and finding out that i had set my vid for the wrong time, so i missed the last episode of house, amd greys anatomy. I am so cross.

Anyway back to the Salsa. I enjoyed myself. It was good exercise, and i love to dance. I think i'm going to keep going and spend my 4 pounds on that instead of SW.

As i've put on two pounds i've decided to ditch SW and just head to a new salsa class that is apparently starting on the Vale tonight.

I watched Pompeii Live last night, which was quite enjoyable. The new painted statue head was really lovely. Peter Snow seemed an odd choice for presented, but i liked Edwina Silver. I taped it onto my Thommy, which is running out of room! I set it up to archive overnight, and programmed my dvd recorder to record overnight. This morning i got up and it had worked perfectly! There was 30 seconds of blank at the beginning, then it kicks in. I can't see the end until i finalise the disc, but i think it will be ok.

With going out tonight and tomorrow my Thommy is full up!

You know, i think i'm going to give myself tonight and tomorrow off from tmaing. I am well ahead, and i'm going to plan typing and editing what I have done so far on Saturday (making a start on my biblio), and then finishing off the remaining few hundred on Sunday and Monday. I only have around two hundred more words to write.

I'm nearly half way through block 4; it is so much more interesting to me. This potentially means i could start my next tma in two weeks; Roman family is definately going ot be one of my exam topics.

Slowly plugging my way through TMA04. I'll want to send it off this time next, and i have maybe 400 more words to write and then type up the essay. It's definately doable. I have the wedding Friday, so i won't be doing any writing then. I also have to visit my Grandma on Saturday, so I may do some typing rather than writing Saturday evening. It's plenty of time. I'm also ploughing my way through block 4 too. Much more interesting to me as it is more social than political history. As potentially i am going camping with Linds, i want to be in a good position for writing tma05. In theory the weekend after this tma is due in, i could start the short question answer for tma05, and think about planning my last essay. It's 2000 words, the longest yet. I can do it.

Looking back over my life there is so much that i wish i had done. I wish i had gone on a GAP year instead of going straight to university. I wish i had had the courage to go for ancient history and apply to Oxbridge. The boyfriends i wish i hadn't gone out with, as wasting my time with them meant that perhaps my soul mate was passed by and my chance for a family has now gone. I wish i could just dump my job and go and study.

Well, the slimming world plan has gone completely down the pan. I am so hungry all the time. Hungry for food, and the sort of hunger that comes from loneliness.

On the bright side. If i get a distinction for just one of my level 3 courses, i could end up with a First! How cool would that be? Likelihood is though that i will get a solid 2:1, which is no small achievement in itself.

I have run out of money completely. For the first time in a very long time i will be going overdrawn. I am going to have to be much stricter with myself. It doesn't help that when i am off work i get bored and lonely and then i shop. And eat out.

I'm reactiving my nationwide account, and i'm now going to use this for my beading and ebaying expenses. As i don't get any money going into this, when it's gone i simply can't be tempted to buy anything else.

I'm going to make Joolz's birthday present, so this will be cheap.

I weighed myself at home last night and was shocked to find that i was two pounds heavier than normal, despite being good. I think i'm being to flail...

Still I am being good today i still have 3.5 hours of work and temptation to go though). I will do as well as i can, and hope that i will maintain. I am going to aim to go on a 2km walk Thursday and Friday, as I have both of those off and it will be a good way to split up my day if i am tmaing, and then on Saturday and Sunday. As i know i can do it in 30 mins now this seems sensible.

My trip to the V and A seems to be curtailed! Still, i could think about doing it post-exam when the weather isn't so good and a day trip looking around something interesting appeals a lot.

Which reminds me, i spent my tesco clubcard vouchers and bought a season ticket to Thinktank. This means I can now just go and pay 1 pound at the planetarium. I did go there on my week off and it was chock full of kids. They were very noisy and even the person running the show had to tell them to be quiet or the show would be cancelled! Too much to do on my days off!

I have finished my short answer, so i now have another 1200 words to write on the main essay. As i have 17 days left, i feel that this is definately do-able.

Been off from work a whole week. A mixture of delight at not being at work, and then a bit of depression. I decided to use some my savings money (i was given a couple of small bonus payments by my client a few years ago, which i have hardly touched) to buy a cheap ex-display dvd recorder. So i started putting all my old videos onto DVD. It's going to take me a few more weeks, but it will mean more room and i want to declutter as far as possible. I'm still keeping my dvd player, and if the discs work on it (my player is 6 years old!), i will just swop it out, and then only archive things to disc once a month if need be.

I didn't spend my week off writing my tma. I rather knew i wouldn't. Although that said, I have made a start on it. I'm nearly done with the short answer, only another 100 words to go, but i'm floundering on the essay. Still, i will do my best. TMA05 looks much more to my taste. It's about bathing and social issues. Thinking about the exam, Rome city and people will have to be a sure fire revision block for me. Also 5th century athens, i would be an idiot not to after studying it in depth for last years course. Some parts of block 3 are interesting. Still, i haven't actually done block 4 yet, so you never know!

If i am strict and do 100 words a night, i can just about do it. I have two days off this week, so i am aiming to use those days for typing up what i have done so far, which should be the entire short question and maybe 1/3 of the essay. Still working under pressure is good. The exam only gives an hour to write an essay. I only have one day off, the 30th which is when i'm going to a wedding, but i hope that those two days off and weekends will mean i can make up for it.

Going to the British Museum the day after the cut-off date for the TMA will be a really good way to finish it off! I'm hoping that whilst i am writing the tma, i can continue to study. Thank goodness the blocks are now on-line and i don't have to wait for deliveries.

I've had a good couple of weeks with SW - just one pound off losing half a stone. Unfortunately this week i have been very lax. I had a carvery meal Friday afternoon, With a night out at Castle Balti on Friday, and then left-overs from that on Saturday. And another meal out on Sunday. So i have to be extra good now i'm back at work. i want to get that half stone award this Thursday.

Speaking of things like that, i did the 2km walk around Brookvale Res, this time i did it in 32 minutes and 08 seconds! SO i am improving. According to the Walk 2000 literature from the council, i should be doing this in 18 minutes. I'm not up to that yet, but i'm going to try and improve.

race for life 004

race for life 004
Originally uploaded by smallkat.

I did it! Ok, so I was last, joint last with Aussie Lucy who kindly agreed to walk with me. I did it in 1 hour 25 minutes. I was so proud of myself. It may have taken me the same time to do one lap as it did formost people to do the entire race, but all that matters is that i took part and i completed it! We had a good reception to finish, with the DJ spotting us coming from a way off - and we waved to everyone who was still left. Two air cadet lads came up and escorted us back, and when we got to the end we did a run to finish and everyone cheered. The DJ came and asked our names, and people were telling us well done!

I honestly thought that it would take me about 2.5 hours, so it definately helps to walk with someone. I would like to improve and keep practicing fast walking, and do it again next year, and do it faster!

My legs and back are still today, and I have two large blisters on the bottoms of my feet, but it was worth it.

In the photo i'm wearing a white top with blue sleeves number 750 and i'm looking at the camera with a funny expression. The lady next to me in the shades is aussie Lucy.

Well tonight is the Race for Life. I am really nervous about it, and convinced it's going to take me about 2.5 hours to complete. If you are feeling generous, please sponsor me. It's a really good cause (Cancer Research), and my sponsorship is really motivating me to complete it, despite my nerves.

I need to start work on my next TMA. As of today, i have one month to go. I wanted to get through the block before i started on it, but after a few lazy weeks i'm now only a week ahead. I suppose i could just study for my entire week off. This would be both profitable and cheap.

Still struggling with SW. I get terribly hungry at work, and there are few choices here that are healthy. Tonight i'm going to do something with pasta and some quorn swedish-style balls.

I can't remember if i mentioned it, but i dyed my hair on Sunday. It's now a rather stranger pale ginger colour. oops.

The money situation is not looking good. I have 400 quid to last the entire month. And i really need the car to be serviced, as this morning i was convinced that it's starting to overheat again.

I have next week off, and i would like to do something. I haven't had a holiday, and i would like to go to London to visit the V and A. i'm trying to find out how i can make it as cheap a day as possible. If would have to go on the megabus and If i leave at quarter to 6 it's 6 quid. Of course i have to come back too, and thats at least another 6 quid. It takes so long to get there too. National express is no cheaper, or faster. Train is quicker but its 25 quid.

Maybe i shouldn't go at all. I hate struggling so much for money. I need to really look at what i am spending it on and stop myself from buying concert tickets and cds. These really mount up.

And of course beading. I enjoy it so much, but I have to stop buying so much. If mums friend, for whom i have made a bracelet and am making a necklace would pay me for them, this would help me break even a little.

I got too many blisters on my toes on Saturday, walking around Town, that it was too painful to go dancing. Had i known that they were going to the academy I would have worn my trainers. Oh well. I will know better next time.

Sunday i was sitting down watching the first episode of Spiral when i felt something on my leg like the prick of a needle. I thought that maybe it was one of my own needles and when the pain was a little less i lifted up my trouser leg. I cuold clearly see a puncture wound and blood below the skin, but i couldn't find a needle. Then i felt the pain again at the top of my leg. Ouch! Something was biting me i tore my trousers off and danced around, shook my trousers out. In my head i was thinking i can't see anything crawling on me, and i know that this isn't a flea bite. I eventually calmed down. My leg was going blotchy and red and two hard lumps formed. I smeared anti-histamine over the lumps and sat back down again. There crawling on the basket under my coffee table was a wasp.

I had been stung twice by a wasp.

Evil creature.

So, i rejoined SW last night. The consultant remembered me straight off. Oh dear. Still, I hope i last more than the two weeks i did last time. I think part of the problem is that there is no interaction in the group. The other group I belonged to seemed much more friendly. But the consultant left, and I floundered. I've got laughing cow to have on my jacket potato instead of cheese, and i'm going to start cooking again.

Just had a call from Julia Brown. Sadly she didn't get enough people to run tomorrows course, which is a great pity as i had a lovely time on the last course. She is still going ahead with the necklace course next Saturday, so i will look forward to that. she said that she might still give me the pattern, and I may have a go at trying it on my own.

This means i now have a free Saturday. I could meet up with Joolz in Town, i'll have to see.

And after buying beads off ebay, I coudl have just waited, but there you go.

I've decided to rejoin, for the 64,000th time, slimming world. My weight is just going up and up and i'm tired of it. I hate buying clothes because my old ones don't fit anymore. I want to go into top-shop and buy stuff. Ok maybe not top-shop, but at least Asda.

I listened to Speak for Yourself by Imogen Heap in the car on the way into work this morning. I really like it. It's a pity i got into it after she came to Birmingham, but there you go.

Well there you go, i'm quite surprised that people think highly of me!

Me, I have pretty low self-esteem, and I am probably harder on myself than anyone else. Sometimes i wonder if keep a journal is really healthy. Maybe it encourages me to be more self-critical than i would without it. On the other hand, writing everything down sometimes clarifies things. Which can either bring issues sharply into focus, or makes me realise that they just aren't issues at all.

Thank goodness it's payday today.

I almost wish i was going down to London this weekend, but i've put the deposit down on the beading course, so a-beading i shall go.

I've sold some more shares to pay for my front garden.

I forgot to mention that i got 74 for my last tma. 10 marks less than the first two, but ten marks more than my average for last year! I knew it wasn't good, and at the day school two weeks ago i told my tutor not to bothered marking it as it was so bad! His first comment on the pt3 form was that it wasn't as bad as i had feared! I knew it wasn't as good as the previous two, and at the dayschool i realised that although i was putting in the majority of the points expected, i had completely misinterpreted the question. So although i answered my interpretation of it, it was quite right. Tomorrow i need to start on the short answer for tma04, so that I have a clear run at the next essay. I want, and know that I can do better. Can you believe that after this course, i only have two more to do? They are too much for me to do together, so it's another two years, but still.

The price of the masters is about 400 pounds more than i am paying for my undergrad courses.