Well, it now seems that Blondie and Orion are engaged...and so is one of the girls at work, and so it tatman's foster daughter.... seems like everyone....

Trying to keep happy and positive, but finding it quite hard. Maybe i am really not a nice person at all.

I want someone in my life who will invite me round to their house, and will hug me...

On the plus side, i am really enjoying having Rawk as my housemate. We usually have anice chat in the morning, and i like having someone to spur me into doing things on my house...

Blimey. Today Blondie decided to speak to me. Turns out though, that he is probably getting back with Orion..... so no wonder. did he ask anything about me and what i've been up to, or how i am...of course not.

I also picked up a small bottle of SC for Rawk, as i know that he likes that. Oh how i wish i had someone special that i could shop for. Maybe some people, like me, are just not meant to have anyone.

A little later... Blondie spoke to me for like an hour. Usual shite from Orion. Despite all our differences, i wish that Blondie could get Orion the help he needs, or just walk away...

Things are going pretty well. I am still enjoying having a housemate. Although time will tell when i am back to having loads to do in the evenings and am exhausted from travelling to and from Kings Heath. I am beginning to think i need to slow down a little. Perhaps after the bout i won't go to advanced AND basic skills, but pick only one each week. I think that will help, as i am aware that i am getting tired out, and then trying to keep my Thursdays and Fridays free.

This seems sensible to me, as i am just not a strong as i was (age/ shingles i don't know) and i would like to do things closer to home that help me with my general fitness.

The good thing about having a housemate is that it is really spurring me into action. I have bourght lightpulls, and replacement sockets. And i am hoping to go to B and Q on the Saturday after xmas to get my bathroom sorted!!

I bought Blondie a little present, as something a little cheering as he is not back with Orion. I doubt he'll even acknowledge it, but hey i don't buy xmas prezzies for thanks.... i buy them because it gives me pleasure! I bought a little something for Rawk, i dillydallied over what to get him, but got him a hat and scarf set to keep warm, in the end.

Well Blondie seems to be completely ignoring me, unless he wants to be drama queenish and complain about stuff. No wonder he cries about having no friends if this is how he treats people.I had forgotten how everything is all about him. I am so pleased with myself for having moved on.

As for me, I am getting settled living with Rawk. It's quite weird, but we get along pretty well, and at the moment our working cycles are completely out, so i am in bed and asleep by the time he comes home, and i am usually up and about miles before him. but that's cool.

I'm getting a bit stressed about having so much STUFF (not his, mine) but slowly getting it sorted.

Well i did go with Rawk to Merry Hill, then dropped him off at work. We get on pretty well, which is good. In fact, over the past week we've come to an agreement that he is going to move in and be my housemate! We are the same age, and he is pretty chilled out. So I am going to give him my room, and move into the smaller bedroom, since the rest of the house is mine. I don't know what date he's going to move in yet, as he works shifts, but i think things could be good.

It's weird, but 3 years ago, i couldn't have imagined living with anyone, and now i am actively seeking it...

I've arranged to go to merry hill with Rawk tomorrow, so i guess i will see if he turns that down suddenly. i hope not, as i try and want to be positive and optimisitc about people.

Blondie and Orion have definately split up again. So glad i'm not involved. I think this time it is for good (well a few weeks anyway), and i worry about Blondie so much. But he won't speak to me at all. Far from being civil to me, he actively avoids me in the office. It's very sad. And i hate seeing him in so much pain.

He worried me the other week by texting me that he had lost everything and was going away, and i wouldn't see him again.... he is okish now. Working away from home, which maybe for the best.

And ironically enough, when that happened and Orion posts that he is out of money, then i get a text from Orion asking me how i am. I didn't fall into the trap of saying lets go out, because as well i know, that way lies misery and i am done with it.

I will be there as a friend, but right now i don't think it would be wise to go out of my way to see him.

There are other, nicer and more stable people i could see.

I am, as always, so greatful that i found CCR. If i really wanted, i could do something with them almost every night and they are an amazing bunch of people.

I'm also glad that through a friend's BF i met a new friend... hmm he needs a nickname... Rawk i think. We are the same age and have diverging interests.

But again, i get the thing that i had with Orion where he says oh yes i'll do something, definately, sure sure... and then a few hours before we are due to do it, he cries off.

I'm sure it's different, but it feels the same...

I wish i could get things sorted. It's dragging me down. After a good CCR birthday, i met Orion in the gale who was completely wasted and getting off with some random bloke. LAter he told me his stalker was outside (ie Blondie).

Eventually i left and bumped into Blondie outside who looked very pissed off. Orion had phoned him to get a lift home.

Later that week i had a long chat with Blondie who said that that night he had had a good talk with Orion and that they had got things sorted. Unfortunately as Orion was completely wasted, he forgot that that happened.

I am so unhappy and lonely. With Blondie not speaking to me, and Orion tolerating me (but we will never be the friends we were, which maybe a good thing), tatman is now seeing someone... and me, i'm alone.

Tatman came online today, and said that he wanted to come around to my house early tomorrow (he's coming to my skating fundraiser). He wants to talk to someone...

I suspect that right now he is talking to the girl who trained me in my job (and is now living in London), and i hope that she helps.

But i will be there for him tomorrow, whatever the problem is.

Despite the fiasco with Blondie and Orion, i am always there for my friends. And i usualli keep my mouth shut. The difference is, that with Blondie it was every night for 30 mins, or 2 hours on the phone, or 4 hours in a car. All about his problems... and he wanted no part in hearing anything to do with me.

This is different.

I miss Blondie so much though. Not Orion...well quite frankly it's not as if he's really been there for me anyway...

I wish i could stop missing Blondie so much, i wish he would leave.

I went round to one of the guys from choir house last night. hE cooked me a veggy curry, and then he, his chap and me watched the first episode of summer heights high. I was laughing so hard. It's so inappropriate, but so funny. Then we went into town to meet up with some choir people. It's so great that we get on so well that we want to see each other, even on our summer break!

I was very nervous that Blondie and Orion would come in, and that there would be a scene. I was constantly very aware, and kept my eye on the door. Fortunately they didn't come in.

I long for the day when i don't worry about Blondie, or wish that he spoke to me. It's stupid really. It's not like he actually gave a crap about me, or had any interest in me.

And Orion was clearly just using me as a Blondie substitute as i keep seeing messages all about his best bud, and how he's going ot do stuff with her.

I long for a best friend to do things with. And friends who don't ignore me because you've done "something", but not tell you what that something is.

I feel so sad.

I know that i have choir, and skating and going to OUT pub meets and swimming and tatman, who has been so kind to me. But there is still an empty hole.

I went on a CCNA bootcamp this past weekend, and tatman (who was in vicinity) took me out to meet his family. It was so nice, just for one evening to feel welcomed and part of something else.

But today i'm at work, and really missing Blondie. And getting stressed, as i am going into town tonight, and i dont want any hassle from Orion.

Blondie agreed to be civil, but it seems that his idea of civil is to ignore me, as i have asked if he had a good weekend (as i do with other people) and he is ignoring me.

As i always thought he and his bf are pretty rude people.

Me, i like to try and keep the lines of communication open, but eventually in the face of everything you have to let go.

This is my favourite time of day. When Blondie is at lunch, and i can sit peacefully at my desk without hearing his dulcet tones and feeling stressed.

I don't really want to write about it. But last night, i was out in town with some of the girls from choir, and blondie and orion came into the bar we were in. I don't and didn't want any trouble, and was pleased that we were able to keep things civil (well, despite them standing at the bar glaring at me). Then i got a text from Blondie saying that Orion was right and that i was a silly little girl who played mind games. What?? Where had that come from?

I was quite upset by this, as clearly although Blondie had told me he was keeping out of things, he blatently isn't.

I phoned him, and i ended up having Orion on the phone to me, threatening me. I was really quite disturbed by this and spent most of the night trembling at the threats.

Not one to be beaten, i discussed with our HR what to do. In the end i sent a note to Blondie, saying that i really wanted to resolve this as i am not looking for trouble and was really quite distressed.

He spoke to HR, and then i went into the HR room with him. We agreed not to contact each other anymore. That he doesn't want work and personal to mix (although why he then started telling me all his personal stuff i will never know), and i am happy with that. I feel that there is a happy medium, other than being civil (Which is Blondie-speak for ignoring), but it's not what he wants. And well, what he wants he gets.

Saturday night i got a text from Blondie asking if i was in town. I wasn't. But he won't speak to me, or tell me what he wanted. This is stressing me out. Is he now messing with me?

I am filling up the void though. Going on a CCNA bootcamp, and that's going to take some studying. Skating takes time. Choir, and doing social activities with them. Sometimes swimming.

I remembered how much i loved to play on my xbox/wii/ps2. I love reading.

What i would really like are friends to go out clubbing with, and people to come over and chill with a DVD, but you know what. I think everything will work out ok in the end.

Chatting with choir people at the BBQ and the concert last night, made me realise how much i missed adult conversation and not hearing people slag off their partners all the time.

Well, i had a very weird weekend. The end result of which is that Orion is no longer speaking to me, and i think thats for the best. I cannot handle someone who tells met hat they are done with life, but then when i phone them they shout that they are busy and slam the phone down.

I don't need that in my life anymore.

The sad part for me, is that when i met Orion, I ended up ruining my own relationship with Blondie. I am truly sad about that, and I know that it cannot be salvaged. I wish it could, but it's not what he wants. My fervent hope is that he ends up happy, but as Orion even now keeps dumping him, and then saying he wants him - it must be a very up and down sort of experience for Blondie. But it's one that I just cannot be a part of anymore.

I do feel lonely, as I don't have any close friends, but i shall work on it. I went to a BBQ at the house of one of the girls from choir on Saturday. She seems really nice, but as she has a partner i am wary of trying to become better friends.

But you know what? It was really nice just chilling out in her back garden, and talking in a proper, adult fashion.

Sunday i had skating, and i managed for a little while to keep up with the slower pack! I also managed a good few laps round on "skate til you puke" which means i clearly wasn't skating as fast as i could go, so now i need to push myself further. Something that will be easier in well-fitting skates i think. So i am making some progress!

Sunday a small elite part of the choir sand for the GOC. The audience was very appreciative, and we chatted with a few of the younger guys til nearly 11:45! One of them should be coming for a drink with us tomorrow (I gave him my number to text me, i didn't want to be pushy and make it th other way around), but after this weeken i am looking forward to making new friends. People who won't fuck with my head and play games.

Mostly everything is just the same. Blondie sasying that he wants to talk, but then never does. Orion saying that he is always there for me, but never is.

So instead i try and fill up my days with other stuff. It's not as satisfying as a friendship or relationship, but at least it keeps me occupied.

I've decided that i'm going to go for my CCNA, hard work - but yet another thing that will keep me occupied, and will give me more options.

See, despite what Blondie says about me being miserable all the time, and doing nother - it's not true. Why this year alone, i've joined a choir, and a roller derby team. started swimming and made friends with tatman. It just so happens that none of it really takes away the lonliness, but at least i'm doing something.

Feeling very lonely. No-one to talk to who really cares about me (apart from tat man, but he is work only as he has a family which is cool and i understand). With Orion and Blondie back together, neither really wants me. Seems as if i am good to have around if someone wants to moan and whinge, but other than that i'm cast aside...

Dave said no, so i wasn't wrong.

My life feels a bit like a roller coaster, or a roundabout. Some sort of fairground ride anyway.

I was quite upset last night, and lashed out at Dave and his comments of a while back about how i can't socialise with him. He's now denying he said it and won't speak to me. I've apologised and said that if i misunderstood than why not come with me to a quiz on Sunday. But he either doesn't reply or says no, Which kind of proves my point.

And i told Melindry that i liked her and was told that she only sees me as a friend.

I have got Blondie to admit that he has been avoiding me (as he doesn't want to talk about him and Orion,and has no desire to hear about any of my problems so clearly that all i was useful for). But no actual interest in trying to get things better.

So whichever way i have nothing.

Well not nothing. I'm glad i have roller derby. That keeps me so busy at least two times a week, and exercise definately helps lift my mood. I was a little too tired to go swimming on Monday and i really noticed it.

Been a busy weekend. Friday night was a friends Hen do and Dave's birthday. I did a bit of the hen do, and then picked up Orion who told me that he and Blondie were split up.

And well, i just don't fancy writing about it all. Needless to say, i think they might be back together again.

It's exhusting.

But Blondie keep saying that he's ok, and that's always ok and why wouldn't he be. Yet on Friday Orion was going around saying that he is single, not getting back with Blondie etc etc.

And now Orion is responding to any texts. Whatever.

End of hte road methinks.

I am selfish. I fancied going to subway city last night for the 90's night. I texted Orion, who seemed up for it, and in fact phoned me during choir prac to confirm that i would pick him up straight after choir prac. I phoined him as i was leaving practice, but it went straight through to vm. I then got a text saying he wasn't going ot come.

I was a bit peeved, as this is the second time in two weeks that he has said yes, and then let me down at the last minute. I was peevish via text, and got along reply back that he was tired etc etc and i know (well i hope it was true, and not that in fact he decided to go out with Blondie) that it was true.

I guess when you don't understand the whole picture.... but then again, he had said several times that he was up for it, and it was only as i was leaving to pick him up that i got the cancellation...

Maybe he'll phone me today, maybe he won't.

Maybe that's what i need, friends who won't always let me down.

And, well, if Orion doesn't get back in touch i'm learning that it's his loss, not mine.

I wish so much could be different. The Blondie and I were proper friends, but it's gone...

At least i have choir and skating. It doesn't give me the companionship i desire, but it keeps my mind occupied.

Sunday night i finally got to see Orion. We had a good long chat. Trouble is, he was telling me the same things he said 8 months ago; ie that he's not happy being with Blondie because Blondie is rude, arrogant etc etc and that people make comments about Blondie paying for everything.

I didn't want to get embroiled again (although it would be different to last time, as Blondie doesn't speak to me anymore), so i suggested that maybe the pair of them need to speak to a third party. As, let's face facts, Blondie isn't going to change (or, at least, not over night), and Orion believes that he will always be as he is (although i did say, you can't say never). So, then what?

Some sort of relationship therapy? To which Orion flat out said no. I asked him if it was as before, that he wants Blondie to either tire of him, or get angry enough with him and dump him.

Honestly, from the outside it doesn't look or sound healthy.

I pointe dout that when i have seen the two of them together, the seem happy. But Orion said, it's because he is out on the town. Unlike before though, i don't feel any confliction, or any impunction to tell Blondie.

Whether i hear from Orion, or not, we are friends. I realise now that he has a lot of other demands on his time, and thats cool. I would love a friend that i could see even just once a week, though. But hey.

I am also more aware that the way people (ok, Blondie) are, is not about me. Maybe i have made a lot of mistakes, but i'm only human. And i admit them, and am trying my hardest to overcome the way i am, that meant i made them. I might fail, but it won't be through lack of trying.

Blondie will never be the friend i think he is. He claims it wasn't one-sided, but then goes on to say that not everyone needs to know everything. Well, that to me is one-sided.

After a major with the NHS yesterday, I managed to get a referral from my GP to a psych, which my insurance through work should pay for.

I saw him today (so ya boo sucks to the NHS people who told me that the NHS was just as quick as private), and said i have medium depression and anxiety disorder... but more importantly that i could treated. Not so that i'm 100% ok, but maybe 90%. And frankly that sounds wonderful

After all the, nothing we can do's i've had from the NHS it gave me hope.

Right now i still feel low, as i don't have anyone to speak to, but if i can be better... i keep repeating that i can be 90% ok...and it helps me over those moments.

Orion, i suspect, will not see me on Sunday. I feel bad, and the doctor rightly said that i probably think that when things like this happen i blame myself.

Of course i do, but now i also see clearer... the constant let downs are not my fault.

Doesn't make me any less lonely though.

One thing i am going to work on is being less grumpy.It has an affect on other people; i just need to find politer ways of getting people not to talk to me when i'm down.

I went into town last night to celebrate Betty Machete's birthday. It was nice, and i enjoy getting to know my team mates.

I was quite hurt though, as apaprently Orion "forgot" that i had this week off, and he was supposed to spend his day off with me. Anyway, i met both boys in the village. Blondie was in a good mood, laughing and joking (as opposed to the night of distraction at the beginning of this month when he said nothing at all). Orion said he felt sorry and that we'll have some time together on Sunday.

But let's face facts ladies and gentlemen. It's not going to happen. How much do i long for, not even a relationship, but a close friendship with someone who wants to see me...

I find it difficult as last Friday i met the boys in town for one drink. Orion brought both myself and Blondie a rose each (mine after soem thought i think!) and hugged me and told me i was his best friend, and how much he was looking forward to having a day together properly catching up.

Tuesday i suggested going to subway city. Orion was all up for it, but then Blondie came and spent money on him and i never heard from him again. Still haven't.

I keep trying to remind myself that i am good person, with a big heart and i deserver friends, and a special person.

Bit of a lonely week off work. Orion promised to spend his day off with me, but of course hasn't happened. Just the usual going quiet. I long so much to meet someone who wants to spend some time with me.

I wish there was a way to get over this jealousy. I am honestly happy that the pair of them are happy, but why shouldn't I get to have someone special. Or friends to go out with, instead of being constantly told that i am in the way, or that someone can't be my social life...

Or ignored as a boyfriend takes precedence over a friend.

One of my friends from choir said she would look out for someone, but even she says she can't find anyone single.

Seems like i am destinated to be alone forever. I try and be positive, and keep smiling and keep meeting people. But it gets so hard. Most of the time i just need/want human contact.

But i'm the kind person people seem to use and then just throw aside.

Why is it the some people seem to end up with everything they want? Of course, it helps to be wanted by someone...

Going to a bout tonight. Blitz Dames vs Team Canada. Orion had prmoised to come with me, but now has better things to do.

Blondie ignoring me, despite saying - we need to talk, but then as per usual doing nothing unless it's in his interest.

It also means that i can't really see Orion anymore, as i feel too uncomfortable, and i dont deserve to have to stay in that kind of situation.

I have a lovin heart, and no friends who actually want to send time with me, and people who just pick me up and put me down whenever they want.

Why do some people get all the want, and others get nothing.

I try to think of it in a positive way, that this sets me free to meet people who are interested in me and with whom perhaps i can get that deep relationship that i crave. I have a lot to give a friend.

I;ve decided that for a while, at least, i'm going to stop doing things for other people. No texts to cheer people up, or hope that they are having a great day. After all, no-one does it for me.

I finally cracked and i asked Orion to ask Blondie what i had done to upset him. Apparently he's nto upset. And that we will "chat" at some point. So he's ignoring m, i have no idea why. The chat will never happen, as he's said that months ago.

How someone can go from, in the space of week, from hugging him and saying i'm a friend to ignoring me... i just do not know.

Well, far from going from strength to strength and things getting back to some sense of normality, Blondie seems to have stopped talking to me altogether. I don't know why (perhaps he found and read this journal), and despite me asking him multiple times, he wont say why he's not speaking to me.

I could understand if he's having a bad time, but all he would need to say is that he's having a bad time, and it's not me. And i'd back off.

I am a bad person, i know that, but if he would just say what i've done, i could work on it.

Well no surprise that Blondie didn't phone me, but at least now i was expecting that he wouldn't - so no puzzlement on my part.

It still makes me sad that we don't speak properly anymore. Everytime i mention it, well whem i msn him that he never answers.

This morning he came in and just loked so happy, it nearly killed me. I am truly happy that he is happy and has a boyfriend that he loves. But i am unhappy that my friend is gone. And to be fair most of the time Orion never gets in touch with me, it's always the other way around.

I need a good friend of my very own.

I guess it's because i care so much, that it makes me jealous and frustrated that he doesn't care at all.

I've sent Orion a text about Tuesday. I suspect that he will back out. So i am trying to steel myself as best i can.

I feel kind of mixed up at the moment. Blondie has said that we are now friends, i texted him and said i was getting a bit worried as he was being really quite nice to me. And paying a bit of interest in things i do, which is really not like him at all, and he said that everything was good, and we are friends, so of course he is nice to me. He's happy and in love with Orion.

And that does please me, makes me very happy. As despite everything that has happened, i care and worry about him a great deal. I know he doesn't actually give a shit about me, but we very rarely can help who we love and care about.

Orion is mercurial as usual, hugging and telling me nice things on the Saturday - and then completely forgetting about me on the Sunday.

I feel jealous, even though i have no right to. But i guess i want that close friendship with someone. Most people ignore me, or say the see me too much. Maybe i'm needy, but...oh...i dunno.

For the first time in about 6 months Blondie actually came over to my desk to speak to me. It was kind of nice. He did the thing about saying he would text me later, but at least i know now that he doesn't mean it. So i have learned something!

I know i shudl stop looking, but o - how i long to have someone special.

I've decided that i'm going to remember Dad's death this year by going out and dancing and having fun. I'm probably going to be on my own, but hey dancing and getting some endorphins going and being happy... well Dad wanted me to be happy! And if i have to be by myself, well that's how things always are for me.

Everytime Blondie comes into the office, i start to feel stressed and upset and unhappy. I wish i didn't work here anymore. Yesterday he wanted to borrow a copy of my choirs CD. I asked him about it this morning and he just started slagging it off.

I mean, ok - it might not be the best CD in the world, but when you start slagging off the arrangements (and these aren't choir specific arrangements, but you know.... official ones) it all gets a bit much.

Why i thought that he would have anything positive to say at all, i don't know. It totally brought me down. But it also reminded me why i joined the choir. To have fun, and make friends and get some confidence back.

Y'know. i might not be as popular as Blondie, or have loud strong opinions... but what i am is supportive and i try and be positive about things. And i see that as being a good thing.

I do wonder if Orion would be able to stay with someone like that for a long time. I suspect that Blondie may be a little different with him as obviously he is head over heels in love with him. But it's his nature.

Then i start to worry, as i know it would break Blondie's heart. I despite his negativity and how rude he is towards me, i still care. And i don't want to see him so sad.

One way of taking my mind of things is to fill up my life with other stuff. So i'm now at weightwatcher with a couple of the girls from Choir on a Monday, Choir on Tuesday and Skating on Saturday. Not forgetting Cinema most Fridays! This week, i think i am out almost every night! It stops me from being upset because i don't have the close friendship i would like, and of course, gets me out meeting people.

That said, i will always be there for my friends. In fact Orion phoned me at twenty to 11 last night. He was walking around, feeling low. I think he'd had an argument with Blondie, and his family, and was feeling useless and stupid. I know how that goes. And he phoned to talk to someone friendly. Well, that i can do, i told him the funny stuff that had happened on my date a few weeks prior, and my weekend in Torquay (more of which later) and he laughed a bit. I offered to pick him up, but he said he would phone his sister and get her to pick him up.

He said the usual stuff about phoning me the next day etc etc, but i knew he wouldn't. And of course he didn't.

I don't mind being supportive, in fact i am honoured to be thought of, when someone needs to hear a friendly voice. But i am sad that there isn't anyone for me. And that i'm only good for that.

I see other people who are in couples, people who are really not very nice to their partners, and i start to think....maybe the reason i don't have anyone is because i am a truly awful person.

Day by Day i just feel more and more sad. It was kind like i had started to open up to someone i thought was a friend. But it was all a lie. He was just using me.

I am jealous when i see him being happier and happier, and ignoring me. It's not that i don't want him to be happy, because i do. IT made me so sad when he was unhappy, and depressed and alone. But conversely, i know that there is no-one who really worries about me and thinks about what they can do to help me. Selfish, i know. But that's me.

I guess when you've been single for so long, you get that way. I wish i could stop these feelings.

I never used to care. And when i swopped roles, i did stop going for lunch with him. But now i do, and i can't seem to stop. If i didn't have to see him almost everyday i think the feelings wuld go, and i wouldn't be so agitated all of the time.

What a surprise. He said no.

I am more confused than ever. Blondie says that he doesn't have an issue with me, and that he sometimes comes over as being off with me but doen't mean to be. He says that he's being careful not to talk to people about things they don't need to know (which is good, as it was just too much and some of the things were much too graphic), and that everything is fine.

Except to me, it isn't.

We don't talk at all now. We don't go to lunch together, and haven't for months. I really miss it.

I know that in my head i probably made our friendship to be more than he thought it was. But then again, he did call me and verbally dump so much on me for hours and hours,i guess that it was understandable.

But him not having an issue with me, is such a lie in my eyes.

Saturday night, when we were in Loft for Orion's birthday, when we were at one of the bars, Orion went around kissing everyone - as he does. Then i think it was his aunty said Blondie should too.... so he did - everyone apart from me... and then there was this large pause, so i had to say - no it's fine if you don't want to, in front of everyone.

I felt so uncomfortable, even after he blurted out something about it being against policy for co-workers...

And we aren't exactly talking a full-on snog here.

I am more confused than ever. Blondie says that he doesn't have an issue with me, and that he sometimes comes over as being off with me but doen't mean to be. He says that he's being careful not to talk to people about things they don't need to know (which is good, as it was just too much and some of the things were much too graphic), and that everything is fine.

Except to me, it isn't.

We don't talk at all now. We don't go to lunch together, and haven't for months. I really miss it.

I know that in my head i probably made our friendship to be more than he thought it was. But then again, he did call me and verbally dump so much on me for hours and hours,i guess that it was understandable.

But him not having an issue with me, is such a lie in my eyes.

Saturday night, when we were in Loft for Orion's birthday, when we were at one of the bars, Orion went around kissing everyone - as he does. Then i think it was his aunty said Blondie should too.... so he did - everyone apart from me... and then there was this large pause, so i had to say - no it's fine if you don't want to, in front of everyone.

I felt so uncomfortable, even after he blurted out something about it being against policy for co-workers...

And we aren't exactly talking a full-on snog here.

But anyway... i shall ask him if he wants to go to lunch. if he says no then there clearly is an issue.

Today i'm back to normal balance, and i decided to tell Blondie that if he really wanted, i would completely back off. He just said he was too busy. So i guess that that is a yes. So lonely. I mean, i know he wasn't much of a friend, that it was all one way...but i guess it made me feel special.

I've been replaced in both Blondie and Orion's lives. Orion hardly ever answers the phone to me now. Blondie rarely speaks to me.

I guess it was inevitable, but as i have never been in this position before...

I'm selfish. I want a friend, someone that i can speak to each night. But in return, i would listen and help and be there...

Been a weird few weeks. So unhappy. Ill with shingles. Lonely.

I think it's a fairly safe bet that no-one will wish me well for the funeral tomorrow, and no-one will want to support me or make sure i'm alright afterwards.

I know that i wasn't always the best friend i could have been to Blondie, but it was only after he rejected any of my offers of support, and told me i wasn't a friend. I miss his friendship, what ever it was, so much. I miss Orion making me laugh like crazy.

Blondie has said talk, and talk today - but i think it was all words.

I can't really remember how things were when i last wrote. Lots has change.d My grandma passed away. Orion and Blondie got back together.

All of which was inevitable. It's left me feeling very bereft though. As Orion promised that we would support me through and after the funeral, and of course since they are now back together i can't seem him anymore. Or talk to him. So i feel very lonely and adrift.

So Blondie won't talk to me and I can't talk to Orion. It feels pretty lonely.

On the other hand though, i am happy that they are back together and are happy. As i love them both and want them to be happy.

I long though for a true friend, sometime to share the happy times but be supportive in the sad times to. Selfish i know, but it's just what i feel.

Maybe i feel jealous that other people get to sleep around, and yet still be loved and wanted. I think it's true what i was always told...that no-one could ever love me.

Maybe it's better that i don't speak to either of them. I think that there is something about both that brings out the very worst in me, a side that i don't like. On the other hand they both have qualities that iwould like to have, and things to teach me to help me be a better person.

I do feel so terribly terribly lost and alone.

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Originally uploaded by smallkat

I guess this will never be repeated again. I was at a work leaving do last night. Blondie blanked me for most of the night. Mind you, he has his new best girl now. Weirdly for someone who didn't work work and personal to mix he managed to get the entire crowd of work people to The Gale and was talking quite openly about being gay, and his new best friend was talking to both Blondie's "housemate" and his mother. He seemed happy though - and maybe thats for the best. As for me...

Well Grandma died sometime on Thursday night and i am heartbroken. I feel as if i have no-one now. Abandoned. Orion went off the grid, and whilst Dave came around for a bit - it wasn't for long before he wanted to go. Maybe i do bring everyone down....

Things will never be right between myself and Blondie. And that makes me sad. I want to make things right, and he says that if i want to talk "properly" I can. But then when i suggest dates and times he is always too busy.

I think he wants me to tell him to shove off, so that he can the play the proper martyr. I wouldn't do that; as i want to make things right. So i texted him last night and said that it seemed a pity that he clearly didn't want to talk, and hoped that he would meet someone and fall in love and be happy.

It makes me sad, as i feel that we should have been good friends, but I need more. I can't cope with someone dumping all of their issues and problems, and saying i'm not normal and obsessed. I don't have much self-esteem at the best of times, and saying i'm not normal, and that i bring people down really sent me over the edge.

I have other people that i can lean on; and whom i am happy to have lean on me in the bad times...and who want to celebrate the good times with me.

But when i see him (which is most days) there is a pang in my heart that things can't be fixed...or rather that he isn't willing to try.

IS it any wonder that Dave said to me "You must think that being gay is horrible", as all i generally see is pain and hurt and suffering and promiscuity and... and...

Quite a stressful night. I spoke with Blondie, and he just went on and on about his issues, and all the issues he has with me. Some of which are true and reasonable i guess, and some are not. But things i've said and done in the past... i can't change those. I've apologised, but he still goes on about them. It got so stressful though, especially when he started syaing that i made everyone miserable that my happiness rating just dropped. I put on some clothes and went out. I went to Sutton Park and just walked and cried, and got colder and colder.

I ignored Blondie ringing me as i was hysterical, and ignored his text telling me to stop ignoring him and i was doing his head in. Texted Orion, who was clearly getting worried about me - but i didn't feel up to speaking to him when i was so upset.

Eventually i calmed down enough, and called Orion and we chatted for a bit.

Then i called Blondie back, and well i ended up shouting and we fought.

Slightly stressful weekend. I don't think io'm cut out to be a party planner! But Vicci, a school friend, came to visit - then went out for a meal with Vicci, Dave, Mini, Bhav, Orion, Dave's friend Amy, Mel (from OU), Linds and Darren. We went to the Pear Tree, and had a really nice meal.

Then we went into town, much rushing around ensued as people turned up at wrong pubs etc etc; but eventually we met up. After a spell at Loft Lounge Vicci went back to my house, and a couple of my work colleagues who turned up also went home. Then the hardcore party people moved into the gale. I clearly had a lot to drink, as parts are hazy, and i don't remember dancing that much. However, i hurt so much that i surely must have done! Blondie wouldn't come out, so I have been quite hurt by that.

Maybe it's for the best. My definition of friendship is clearly very different. And as Orion says, why should i get upset about someone who really doesn't give a toss about me, or is not willing to do something that that would bring a lot of pleasure to someone before their own feelings... if he had, i think he would have gone up a lot in Orion's eyes. And has several people have said, when Blondie gave me the card and rose for Orion... where was yours?

He made up some crappy story, but i knew that he hadn't actually got me one. Not that i actively look for cards or gifts... more that on my own birthday he got me to do something for him. That smarts a little. I mean, i've bought him cards and I got him a birthday gift... I needn't have, but i consider him a good friend.

Or rather, i considered...

Mostly what i want i to meet someone, so i can have lots of affection. I long for hugs and kisses. I think that i have a lot of good qualities, and the last few months have made me aware of my bad points, and i'm working on them.

Not a bad birthday. In fact a pretty good one. People at work were so nice to me, with a card and flowers. Sadly it was rather spoiled by Blondie turning up to work, just as I was leaving, and handed me a card and a rose. So i kind of awkwardly said thank you, of course he then quickly says - oh they aren't for you. He wanted me to give them to Orion.

Things just upset me so much that i cried all the way home.

Things won't get better, they just get worse. I can't stand to see Blondie so upset and unhappy; but it's clear that they aren't suited and Orion knows it...but he also loves him, and doesn't want to hurt him, so keeps seeing him. That, in turn, makes Blondie feel like he still has a chance. So he then gets more hurt when he's rejected.

Of course Blondie didn't get me a card, but that's not the kind of thing he thinks of. And well, i'm slowly letting go. I don't like to, as he is hurting and i want to be there for him. But, he's said so many times that we aren't friends, and that he isn't there for me...

So where were we?

Frankly things are weird and strange enough without me trying to explain them.

Accordingly to Blondie things aren't right between us, but he will sort them out. Or not. Not sure how long i'm willing to wait really. I have a forgiving nature, and although the things he's said to me hurt, and still make me doubt myself.... he is forgiven. But the reverse isn't true. Did he thank me for his card and present....no.

Apparantly he will only come to my birthday if he is back with Orion. Which makes me feel so special.

I do feel honoured though that so many other people want to come and celebrate with me. Why should i let this one person make me feel so bad. Partly, i think it is the guilt... yes i said things i shouldn't have. But then so did he. And he lied.

I ask myself why do i want to be friends with him....and i can't come up with the answer.