So i decided to go back onto medication. I've been resisting it for a while, but on the scale the doctors has for depression which is out of 27 i now rate a 25.

Which isn't good. The doctor suggested councilling, but honestly i think i'm just wrong.

New medication though is making me nausious (i know i've spelt that wrong...) and i'm not really eating properly.

I know i wanted to lose weight, but this wasn't actually the method i had in mind...

Today has been really difficult health-wise, but on the plus side i am getting promoted. woohoo.

Sadly i have no-one to celebrate with.

Nothing like feeling sick and feeling depressed and lonely. I long for friendship. I try and do the things that i think friends do, but i don't seem to get anything back in return.

fuckit, i am an idiot. i have far too much trust and faith in people than i really should. people aren't friends...

Gosh - just realised that I have lost nearly 2.5 stone!! How good is that. Looking at photos taken back in June eveni can see the difference. Blimey.

On the upside i've paid to go and see Dodgy next week! Sadly i'll be going on my own, but that seems to be my default setting.

Ever have one of those weekends where... well how do i begin?

Friday i hurried home from work to get the bus into town to meet up with bobs for a drink. ONly he didn't turn up and i sat in the square peg feeling like a bit of a square peg on my own. Whilst i was there i texted my friend blondie from work who said that i wasn't an idiot... but me, i'm not exactly sure.

I was a bit worried about him really, and well...me being me i hate seeing people unhappy.

So anyway i had quite a bit to drink and had a hangover Saturday. In my hungover state I decided to get my haircut which was a v bad idea as it's now quite short.

i texted bhav, but she didn't have much to say, texted blondie who phoned me back later and we had a chat. he had asked out his friend who i think said yes, So that was good. I told him that was i was meeting my first "date" from the dating agency which i think he thought was hilarious, but said he would ring afterwards. I seem to like him a lot more when he is with his friend, he seems less brittle. But that's maybe because he's not at work!

Sunday i met my date. wow. We had nothing in common at all. i must have talked for about 1.5hours of the 2 hours. I~T was rally painful. I texted blondie who phoned me later, although he hadn't actually got my text. He suggested meeting up later that night with his friend. I readily agreed!

i hit town first as they were stuck on the m6. his friend was crackers, but seemed to take to me and persuaded me that i should go home, followed by them, and thenthey would drive me back into town. so i agree. i had a lot of fun, drinking and dancing. his friend said stuff like i was adorable, which...well...you see i am inclined to believe people when they say things but it's always tempered with the fact that i am very much used to being an outsider. Still for just one night i felt like i was ok.

Of course the next day, today, things were different. It was just one night and now I'm back to being alone and not really fitting in anywhere.

Too many times i've been the girl to go to when things are wrong, but when things go right i'm alone again. I like being phoned and made to feel like i belong. It kind of reminds me of Aileen, and how hurt i was by that. Wow. that brings back so much. Put on toe out and it gets trodden on. ok well it's not the same really... but it just brings back those memories.

I don't want to feel like this, so down. Maybe i shouldn't go out at all if this is the downside...

I do wonder why i am so often alone. I think i'm nice enough, but i'm clearly not nice enough. i have to learn how, or maybe i'm too pushy. do i be more standoffish?

I don't know anymore. i just want to be somewhere or someone different.

So i had the interview and signed up with RSVP. I went for the middle ground of membership which was perhaps just as well. The interviewer said that she would be unlikely to be able to make any introductions as the majority of guys wanted slim girls. Kind of made me a little sad really.

Saturday night i was in Lem for a few peoples birthday parties... again makes me sad when i see someone obviously fancying a girl. It's just one of those things that even when i was skinny i never experienced.

Exam time is getting so close. I fully intend to do absolutely nothing apart from watch tv over the weekend, and look more closely at the RSVP events.

Oh and maybe play some Halo!

I get tired of being invisible. But it's going to take be so long to lose the weight to get to a dize that comes close to anything like normal. I wonder how i can last so long.

Then i remember that i have been single a long time so i must be able to withstand it.

So i decided to do something. I have an interview with RSVP on Saturday. It's a big step for me as i am still quite afraid. I get freaked out by guys, but i still want them.

Thats me...full of contradictions. But at least i'm facing facts that known of the guys i like...like me back. Which is a pity as i think i'm a good match for them both in different ways. I wonder why and as per usual i question God. I feel that I have a lot of love to give someone.