After a major with the NHS yesterday, I managed to get a referral from my GP to a psych, which my insurance through work should pay for.

I saw him today (so ya boo sucks to the NHS people who told me that the NHS was just as quick as private), and said i have medium depression and anxiety disorder... but more importantly that i could treated. Not so that i'm 100% ok, but maybe 90%. And frankly that sounds wonderful

After all the, nothing we can do's i've had from the NHS it gave me hope.

Right now i still feel low, as i don't have anyone to speak to, but if i can be better... i keep repeating that i can be 90% ok...and it helps me over those moments.

Orion, i suspect, will not see me on Sunday. I feel bad, and the doctor rightly said that i probably think that when things like this happen i blame myself.

Of course i do, but now i also see clearer... the constant let downs are not my fault.

Doesn't make me any less lonely though.

One thing i am going to work on is being less grumpy.It has an affect on other people; i just need to find politer ways of getting people not to talk to me when i'm down.

I went into town last night to celebrate Betty Machete's birthday. It was nice, and i enjoy getting to know my team mates.

I was quite hurt though, as apaprently Orion "forgot" that i had this week off, and he was supposed to spend his day off with me. Anyway, i met both boys in the village. Blondie was in a good mood, laughing and joking (as opposed to the night of distraction at the beginning of this month when he said nothing at all). Orion said he felt sorry and that we'll have some time together on Sunday.

But let's face facts ladies and gentlemen. It's not going to happen. How much do i long for, not even a relationship, but a close friendship with someone who wants to see me...

I find it difficult as last Friday i met the boys in town for one drink. Orion brought both myself and Blondie a rose each (mine after soem thought i think!) and hugged me and told me i was his best friend, and how much he was looking forward to having a day together properly catching up.

Tuesday i suggested going to subway city. Orion was all up for it, but then Blondie came and spent money on him and i never heard from him again. Still haven't.

I keep trying to remind myself that i am good person, with a big heart and i deserver friends, and a special person.

Bit of a lonely week off work. Orion promised to spend his day off with me, but of course hasn't happened. Just the usual going quiet. I long so much to meet someone who wants to spend some time with me.

I wish there was a way to get over this jealousy. I am honestly happy that the pair of them are happy, but why shouldn't I get to have someone special. Or friends to go out with, instead of being constantly told that i am in the way, or that someone can't be my social life...

Or ignored as a boyfriend takes precedence over a friend.

One of my friends from choir said she would look out for someone, but even she says she can't find anyone single.

Seems like i am destinated to be alone forever. I try and be positive, and keep smiling and keep meeting people. But it gets so hard. Most of the time i just need/want human contact.

But i'm the kind person people seem to use and then just throw aside.

Why is it the some people seem to end up with everything they want? Of course, it helps to be wanted by someone...

Going to a bout tonight. Blitz Dames vs Team Canada. Orion had prmoised to come with me, but now has better things to do.

Blondie ignoring me, despite saying - we need to talk, but then as per usual doing nothing unless it's in his interest.

It also means that i can't really see Orion anymore, as i feel too uncomfortable, and i dont deserve to have to stay in that kind of situation.

I have a lovin heart, and no friends who actually want to send time with me, and people who just pick me up and put me down whenever they want.

Why do some people get all the want, and others get nothing.

I try to think of it in a positive way, that this sets me free to meet people who are interested in me and with whom perhaps i can get that deep relationship that i crave. I have a lot to give a friend.

I;ve decided that for a while, at least, i'm going to stop doing things for other people. No texts to cheer people up, or hope that they are having a great day. After all, no-one does it for me.

I finally cracked and i asked Orion to ask Blondie what i had done to upset him. Apparently he's nto upset. And that we will "chat" at some point. So he's ignoring m, i have no idea why. The chat will never happen, as he's said that months ago.

How someone can go from, in the space of week, from hugging him and saying i'm a friend to ignoring me... i just do not know.

Well, far from going from strength to strength and things getting back to some sense of normality, Blondie seems to have stopped talking to me altogether. I don't know why (perhaps he found and read this journal), and despite me asking him multiple times, he wont say why he's not speaking to me.

I could understand if he's having a bad time, but all he would need to say is that he's having a bad time, and it's not me. And i'd back off.

I am a bad person, i know that, but if he would just say what i've done, i could work on it.