Well Orion sent me a message that he's had a mare of a day and I should Phone him tomorrow. I am trusting in the Lord that this is the truth and i'm not being strung on. Or maybe i should trust in the Lord that this is another lesson in patience, and that i should pray about the reason why he doesn't want me to call. or maybe all of the above.

I'm thinking about having some kind of dance lessons. At Bhav's church there was a notice for a teacher who teaches adults, so tomorrow i'm going to ring her and see about times/prices. I do need to exercise and dancing i enjoy so much. I've also seen a note about a choir, which i am giving thought to.

Keep busy, do things that i enjoy, praise God and try to be postive.

It's been a weird few days. I decided to head into Town on Thursday by myself. I went to The
Fox, then to the Loft Lounge. I sat in my favourite seat and after about 30 mins i turned
around and saw Bhav! She joined me for a little while, but was relly too tired, so i walked
her to her car and then i headed into the gale to dance. Now it doesn't really bother me to
dance on my own, and it did me the world of good. However, i did get some quite odd stares,
particularly from large groups of str8 girls. But hey, i'd rather dance. I danced for maybe an
hour, pretty much non-stop and then decided that it was time to go home.

I was glad that i did as i found that i had left the lights on my car! God was looking out
for me!

The next day i worked from home in the morning as i had a nurse's appointment at 10, and
then headed into work. On the way in on the m40 a lorry in front of me had a blowout, i was
lucky that none of gthe flying rubber hit my car! Well, maybe not lucky, I think God was
looking out for me yet again. It put a smile on my face and the fact that Blondie still isn't
really speaking to me didn't get me down.

In fact Blondie's friend, who will now be known as Orion, sent me a text telling me to stop
calling him. But in the space of three hours it went from that to him saying that we should go
out dancing again. We were going to meet up on Saturday, but then he never answered his phone,
and eventually sent me a text saying that he was sick.<>PToday, Sunday he sent another saying he would call, but of course he hasn't. I'm going to
take this as a learning experience: a) that unlike me, people often say things that they don't
mean and that b)i need to gain patience.

Saturday evening was Linds' suprise party, but unfortunately she had already found out
about it through her eldest - 6 year olds can't keep secrets like parties!

Sunday, today i went to Bhav's church. They were having a dinner which i ate, and then i
spent a couple of hours drying up. I don't mind it, and again it teaches me patience and gives
me something to think about other than how i don't understand other people at all.

Also that i need to not rely on other people too much.

i know i'll always have it, but i try not to let it dictate my life. But nevertheless i m lonely. It's not that i don't do what i want, because i do. But i would like friends to do it with. I am a very loyal friend, if you need me to help you i will come and help you. If you are unhappy, i will support and comfort you. But i don't get it in return from anyone. Not that i do those things in the hope of getting that in return, i do them because that's just who i am.

I feel so guilty though for hurting Blondie's friend, but i was put in such a position. I wish he would speak to me, for sure as sure is sure, Blondie isn't a real friend much as i kidded myself he was.

I have sent him a message asking him if he wants me to stop inviting him to my place, or to include him on invites to things i'm doing. So far he hasn't replied, so i'm taking that as a yes.

I knew that making friends was too good to be true. There is something about me which means that people don't like me...i will be forever lonely.

Welcome to the worst weekend of my entire life.

Friday Blondie and his friend were supposed to come to the cinema with me. Blondie's friend ditched his job, so couldn't afford it. Which meant that at the last minute Blondie ditched on me. I was so upset...

Saturday was Joolz haloween party, to which i had also invited Blondie and his friend. Blondie bailed, but i pursaded his friend to come with me for a while. I picked Blondie's friend up and he told me that he felt that the relationship would never work... and you can guess how things went from there.

We stayed a little while at Joolz' and then headed into town, blondie's friend let him know we were going here. We met up with blondie and headed into a club. The longer we were there the more pissed off blondie's friend got with blondie. Which ended up in them having a massive row and blondie''s friend dumping him. Blondie's friend and i headed to the car, and i then spent nearly 2 hours trying to get them both into the same car together. I had blondie's friend crying,m and the blondie crying and me trying to comfort both.

Eventually they did get in and i drove him, but they had a massive row, i wanted to drop blondie's friend at his house, and get blondie to stay at mine. They shouted, and Blondie threatened to throw himself from my moving car unless i let him out by the side of the road, and eventually i told them both to get out as i was getting so upset. I sat for a few minutes and the drove on and caught up with them. Blondie got back in m car, but his friend ran off. I persuaded Blondie to come back to mine, where he sat crying for a while and eventually fell asleep on my sofa.

In the morning i drove him back to his house and checked back in with him later.

His friend has sent me a message saying that he never wanted to speak to me again, and so far he hasn''t.

The Sunday i spent some time on the phone with Blondie and i began to wonder if i made the right decision. I consider Blondie to be a friend, but i know that despite the support i have given him i don't believe that he thinks the same way.

Today at work he was quiet, but i bought him a couple of Latte's. Sunday evening he said he would spend some time with me on Monday, as i was really quite worried about him.

Today, this evening, he appears to be ditching me again.

I feel so stupid. I have an open and trusting heart. I'm lonely. I long for friends, and i feel that i am a good person, but i guess i'm not.

I don't think the meds are working, i am sitting here crying. I try and reach out to people, but ultimately they have their own lives to lead and can't be there for me.

Things got a bit wierd after that. At around 7:30 blondie phoned saying that he was outside my gate, i went to let him in and there was his friend. An evening of wii sports ensued...

Saturday i went out with Bhav, it was too much for me. I really dislike blokes i don't know touching me. I tried to persuade blondie to come out too, but hw wouldn't. Of course it turns out later that he did go out, but it all went wrong for him.

Sunday i went to Touchwood to watch Death at a Funeral and i bumped into blondie and his friend who said i couldn't possibly go to the flicks on my own and then dragged me, not unwillingly, around Touchwood. Eventually we all went to a later showing.

We said goodbye, but about 30 mins later i got a text from blondie's friend asking to come around..well of course the answer was yes. So we spent evening watching films...

I love those sort of days....but i need friends of my own. How can i make them?

After last weeks hedonistic week, this has been quieter and somewhat sadder. This morning through, blondie signed onto msn early and seemed upset. I got him to phone me and his friend had dumped him. He seemed so unhappy, and offered to come round to his place and take him out this evening and told him i would phone him tonight.

I left work early and phoned him as soon as i got home to arrange to go round his house, but he wasn't at home. He told me he was in a country road not far from his friends house. I was not terribly impressed, although thinking back over the years i can imagine why he has done that. So, i'm staying in waiting for him to call back...

But.. well... i know, i know, story of my life arranging stuff and then other people not turning up...or just waiting for them to call...

I honestly wish i had friends that I could rely on...or someone to love me...

Either way i guess i wouldn't be sitting on my sofa on meds, crying...

Saturday morning i got a text from blondies friend about going out into town, me i was well up for it. Eventually blondie told me that we were meeting at 9:30, so i got dressed and headed into town. i set off a little early as i thought that the roads around pype hayes park would be heaving because of the firework display. The roads though were suprisingly clear so i set off on a mini pub crawl starting at the square peg and ending up at the sunflower lounge which was where i got the text from blondie to say that they were ready, so i headed down to loft lounge. Before i got there blondies friend called me, they were behind me so i turned around to go and meet them, Tey both walked past me, so i crept up behind them ninja-stylee!

Things basically went downhill from there onwards.

I have vague recollections of us meeting a couple who were selling botox...and then later a friend of blondie's who was with a rather strange blonde girl who later stole one of my drinks. I remember dancing for ages, with quick stops for the lads to go and have fags. Blondie kept buying my drinks, and the more i drank the more i danced! I am fairly sure that i was mamboing with blondie at one point, very badly due to the amount of alcohol.

Not really been feeling best, and my appetite has gone. Whilst on one hand i can always do with eating less, i do need to eat to function. Anyway last night i got home and was lying on my sofa feeling a wee bit sorry for myself whenthe phone rang. It was blondie with his bloke who were on route to come and take me out!

I got changed in double quick time, and eventually they arrived. Whilst we were chatting blondie's friend K asked me about being sick and i showed him what i was on, I had a feeling that it would be ok and he admitted it himself that he had been on anti-depressants. Later in town he said that blondie had mentioned it to him that i had said i was ill but blondie hadn't liked to ask. We went to a couple of bars and then onto a club. Music was varied, but ok enough to dance to; and i could see again why blondie liked his friend so much, but qalso why other friends feel that blondie is being manipulated. well maybe not so much manipulated as completely blinded by love.

I can understand what that's like, and i can kind of understand why...

I worry too much. But it has been so nice...