So much for not spending. I managed to get into another car accident on my way to see Heather Nova in concert. I am so poor. So poor that i will have to raid my ISA this week so that i can afford to pay solictors fees and surveyors fees. I'm not sure that i'm going to manage very well financially...

I'm on holiday for the next two weeks, so these entries may be more sporadic than usual. To keep you up to date. My bank has decided that it would be best if my account was closed and a new one created. This is causing me several different kinds of hassle, especially since i put an offer on a house today! All the paperwork will need to be redone.

The house is nice. It's a good size and needs little doing on the inside (the garden needs doing, but that doesn't bother me). It's 70k, so i will have to increase my mortgage. I'm going to counter that my decreasing the ammount i pay into the employee share scheme. So that doesn't bother me. The location is not the best for me, but truth is i couldn't afford anything decent in the corridor that i wanted. This will add a little onto my journey, but it's a reasonable area. And quiet, too. I hope that this goes through.

I'm also running out of money this month. I don't know how it happened. Well i do, i had my car serviced today and had to pay 450 for it. This leaves me with, literally, a couple of hundred pounds. Now, this wouldn't be a problem, but i am going on this drawing and painting weekend, and i need to pay for petrol and art supplies. I think, and i usually try and avoid this, that some is going to have to go on credit cards. I have debt.

Which is one reason who my stomach is churning over the thought of the mortgage...As a single person it's very risky...

But i need to do it. And i do have savings, so i can use those if it all gets too much this month.

My car did need the things on it, i knew that the brake pads needed replacing...

I'll try and say that next month i will restrain my spending (which i thought i was doing this month, but apparently not) but if i have solicitors fees to pay...i do worry that buying this house will put a big strain on me financially. But on the other hand, it could be the impetus i need to really think about properly budgeting instead of closing my eyes and wishing. I toy with the idea of setting up another account to put money into for all those things that i know i will spend money on during the month (petrol, food) and then simply stick to it. The money in the other account...damn it's a bad idea. Like i really need one more account number for my faltering memory to retain.

I am so lucky that i have these things to worry over.

One of the things that worries me most is my switch card. I can't cope without it! Ok, that sounds like histrionics, but it's true. I rarely carry money around, and feel much more comfortable paying for things with switch. Plus, of course, if i can't use my card i can't get money out of the cash machine. And since i work long hours i need to use the cash machine because the damn banks aren't open when i'm free. Good job i'm off and can get to banks.

I know that this is being done for my benefit, but it's damned annoying.

Know doubt i will be full of more negativity after i attempt to open my new account tomorrow...

I wrote a long whingey entry yesterday...

Then accidentally deleted it. Maybe it was for the best?

You know what really annoys me about Big Brother. Those two (Alex and Tim) who think that they are very clever, and indeed more intelligent than the rest. Why? Because they have "better" jobs, and because they don't want to engage in small talk. Being a model isn't a better job than being a Dental Nurse. And piffling can be extremely intelligent.

House viewing. The first house, the more expensive one, was ok. I put an offer in on it, although there is one higher. I'm not sure that i really loved it though. The second one...well there was no-one home!

I'm going to a viewing tomorrow night (on call not withstanding)

I nearly feel like crying this morning. The estate agent basically said that finding soemwhere for 65k was unrealistic. I feel like my dreams of freedom are just being slapped away. Yes, i'm sure it's unrealistic, but it's all i can afford. Oh, then the estate agent suggested getting more mortgage, but the amount i would take on at the moment is just about manageable, and when interest rates rise (which they will) i will still be able to manage.

But in my new spirit of trying to keep positive, i rang up a different estate agent and got some more details. Two houses matched my price range (between 1 and 2k than the flat, but i can raise that much extra), and both seem to be in a decent location. I don't know what the area is like, but it's not far from where the flat is. The first house just had a sale fall through, so this could be ideal since i am so willing to move. I have one viewing arranged for tomorrow (for the second house) and i'm hoping that a viewing for the other one canbe arranged for tomorrow too.

They could be just what i needed. Mum doesn't think i should get something with a garden (too much to maintain).

I did got to the WM course, all about pressures this week. One is very apt for me, it's the pressure of fear. I do feel fear about eating, partly because i don't feel in control about food and eating and stopping eating. I know that previously i have arranged meals and then just not turned up. But it's changing slowly.

What i actually meant to write was thati got a suprise at the gym! For the month of June i have been voted member of the month! I was quite shocked, but delighted. I get to have my photo on the wall in the gym, and i also received (which i didn't know about either) 50 pounds worth of vouchers to spend at Sensory (living well's beauty rooms). Apparently the personal trainer that i rather like nominated me and Bev (who runs the WM course) decided to back me up. I know that she had nominated another WMer (although someone who had done the course earlier), but she decided to go for me! I think it's to do with my cheery nature when i'm going through pain during body Combat!

It was rather embarassing in a way because i haven't been feeling particularly motivated and haven't really been going; although i have kept up my classes so i haven't been entirely sitting still. I know that this is a great boost for me, and will definately get me to go back there now.

Although not tonight, tonight i am going ice skating with TH2. Last nights class was spinning, so i'm nto sure that i would have actually been able to go to the gym and sit in the bike this evening anyway! Spinning was good, very tiring and i was glad that Bev just did a 30 minute class, i think i would have really struggled to do a full hour. They are going to be a doing a regular beginners class when the new programme is launched in September, and i might see if it's possible to do it.

I am sick again. I've caught a cold off someone at work. I was lazy and didn't go the gym yesterday, but i think that it was for the best since i could barely swallow this morning without it hurting and i feel achy and my head is a bit swimmy. I also had a killer headache yesterday, which has returned with a vengance today.

OK so it's an excuse, i'm just not in a gym mood at the moment. I have bought my kit for this evening though (since it's a Wednesday it's WM course night), so i guess i will do that.

I've just been looking at the afflecks palace website. It's been a long time since i shopped there...

I drove round to the 70k maisonette last night. It's in a a quietish area, but i would really need to be about 5k cheaper. And you know something? I don't see that happening. not given the climate. so i will continue to wait, and hope that maybe something will come from the estate agent i spoke to yesterday.

Either that, or i win prize money of 10k tomorrow...

I'm even thinking about brookvale village, which is a little further than i would like to be. Ok, a lot further.

I'm on the journals list and Al's question gave me a lot of pause for thought:What's the greatest compliment anyone ever gave you?

I have no idea.

I've given up hope that the vendor will sell. The estate agents are now changing their tune and actually said that he is looking for something that doesn't exist! They certainly didn't say that in May; i'm also not convinced that he is truly looking. So i'll be proactive again and look elsewhere, despite the housing prices going up and up with no sign of going down. I saw a house on the net that would be perfect, but it's sold. However the estate agent said that he's valuating some houses on the next road (ie basically the same kind of property) and will give me a ring back. I might even go and see the estate agent next Saturday if i hear nothing. The properties are maisonettes (built in the same style to the one Lindsay used to live in, ie decent size), and on-road parking. Mind you, that situation is a lot better than where lindsay lives now...it's so tough trying to park there! Please keep thinking positively that i will find somewhere...

I know i will get something, i just want it to be in a "nice" area, that i won't be frighten to come home to on dark, winter evenings. Quite understandable really.

The only thing that really makes my stomach tighten is the thoguth of buying and then the value plummeting and going into negative equity. I've been there with the house that Dad bought in my name...

Beauty and the beast - totally forgot to write about it. Not a full house, and the audience weren't quite into it (not much cheering or laughter at the "funny" bits). The acting was good, and so was the singing; i couldn't fault that at all. An i was both surprised and pleased to see Drew Varley as a member of the cast. Who he? Remember i used to watch my "cats" video all the time? Well he was Mungojerrie in it.

I broke down and bought something at the HMV sale. I grabbed a copy of Sait-Germain "Boulevard". I don't think it was quite what i was expected, but i think i like it. Oh for aplace of my own where i can sling on a cd an chill. Oh for a place to put a CD player at the moment!

Friday Five my kittens!


1. Where are you right now? At work. I'm doing some admin stuff that takes a long time to go through, and when it is chuggin away i can't do anything else.



2. What have you lost recently? Nothing that i can think of



3. What was the first CD you ever purchased? Does that embarrass you now? I honestly cannot remember! Quite possibly it was something by REM, in which case i'm not embarassed at all!



4. What is your favorite kind of writing pen? Good question. My curernt preferred tool is a black uniball gel pen. Nice and flowing.


5. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? i do like the cookie dough stuff.

What is up with me? Yesterday morning i was at my lowest weight i had been for a couple of months. I ate less than ih ad on Monday and ended up last night weighing more than i had in months?? I feel lumpy and heavy today. I also didn't go to the gym because i had towork late. Soemtimes i realyl hate this lifestyle, but i also know that without a man it's the only job i could really do that would allow me to get my own place.

To cheer myself up i booked tickets to go and see Norah Jones in concert (in London!) in October! I got Row C tickets, which i am very pleased with. The tickets were 15 pounds, but the agency adds on about 4 quid for booking and postage. urgh.
But i am pleased that i booked it. I haven't been to a concert like that for so long. Lou doesn't seem to be doing much these days, and i think it's important for me to spread my wings further.

I wish Leona Naess would tour...

I had thought about going to the gym last night, but i woke up this morning and decided that i was glad i wasn't. I am in less pain this morning, and feel a lot fitter. I realyl do see little point in working out when you are already hurting. I won't be attending the WM lecture or class tomorrow because of beauty and the beast, so i will try and go to the gym tonight and possibly Friday night (i will do my usual BB class on Thursday).

Oh, i forgot to mention that i got the forged bank mandate sent to me. It was apparant that someone had seen my signature since it was simillar (i showed it to my mum and she thought it was mine!), but i could tell that it wasn't mine because two fo the characters were not quite right. Also the handwriting on the rest of the mandate clearly wasn't mine at all. I am very gratefull to HSBC for picking this up. I do actually check my bank statements, but i would have lost around 3oo pounds by the time the next one came through.

I guess that i can now say that i am "helping police with their enquries!". Although i do not think that the name on the account that the money was to go to will turn out to be a real person. Still, be identifying it, the ank can then be vigilant if their spot other mandates going to that account. And that means that i might possibly save other people from having money taken from their accounts.

I also forgot to mention that half way through snowboarding i had to break and go to the loo, and even after that i was still experiencing some stomach pains. Why?? OK, so i had a couple of meatballs the night before...but surely it wasn't enough?

(first of July - but blogger was down)
I think i'll go backwards. I saw a new psych guy this morning; he seemed to think that a lot of my reactions stem from a feeling a having no choices. He could well be right. He also felt that discovering this could be a way in, and he is willin g to take me on...but not until Sept at the earliest. Good job i'm not suicidal really!

Sunday i went snowboarding. It is so much harder than skiing, and i fell over. A lot. I also struggled with the boots, whivh were simply too big for me. So big that i could n fact pull my foot out of the boot when it was strapped onto the board. This also meant that when i tried to dig my toes in to slow down nothing happened because my feel come up inside my boot instead of it coming up with the whole boot and board. So instead of slowing down i would carry on going at the same speed which frightened me. The intstructor said that i had good technique though despite that, and i would have to think about buying my own boots to see if i could get better.

I might possibly wait until i have really improved the strength in my legs, i found it very tiring to sowboard becaise i have poor muscle tone. I also wasn't keen on going down backwards down a hill! But i tried it and kept on trying despite my boots; and that is what is most important to me, the ability to say i have at least tried!

Now i'm going to skip backwards to Friday. Well, i had my second one-to-one; i've lost weight (not according to my scales! but maybe i was having a really fat day!), lowered my blood pressure and i have reduced my under bust measurement. My hip waist ratio is the same, and i agree with that. It has made me feel more positive though. So positive that Saturday i went out and bought a pair of soft, pale blue jeans from Evans. They were 30 quid, but i know that i really did need a second pair of casual trousers. They are a little big, but i had a feeling that the size below would be uncomfortably tight.

Today one of the girls at work got delivered a huge bunch of flowers. So big i swear it was nearly taller than me! It wasn't welcome though...

I really, really need to cut down on my spending. I like to have an "extra" of one thousand pounds in my bank account at the end of each month. May(or was it April?) it was only 300 pounds, and this month it's 500 pounds. What more can i do?

I've not bought a single PSX game new so far (ok, so i only have 3), and most of those have been paid for with old games, so i'm only paying a few pounds. I will continue to do that. I know that i have a few expenses this month ;Steve is coming next weekend, and i'm taking him out to the Indus Tandoori, and the weekend after i am going for a meal and a trip to the cinema on both Friday and Saturday! nothing the weekend after that, and then i have the drawing and painting weekend.

I think that when i get the next spice newsletter, i may have to restrain myself, and perhaps just book the cinema. I will definately by myself a brochure for Beauty and the Beast on Wednesday.

Maybe i should not save the full 5 hundred this month? Although that said i know that i do need to get used to so much money going. Maybe i should start thinking about gettign rid of my "living etc" subscription? I will keep my glamour one, since i enjoy that magazine and would buy it anyway. And the subscription saves me money.