Well no surprise that Blondie didn't phone me, but at least now i was expecting that he wouldn't - so no puzzlement on my part.

It still makes me sad that we don't speak properly anymore. Everytime i mention it, well whem i msn him that he never answers.

This morning he came in and just loked so happy, it nearly killed me. I am truly happy that he is happy and has a boyfriend that he loves. But i am unhappy that my friend is gone. And to be fair most of the time Orion never gets in touch with me, it's always the other way around.

I need a good friend of my very own.

I guess it's because i care so much, that it makes me jealous and frustrated that he doesn't care at all.

I've sent Orion a text about Tuesday. I suspect that he will back out. So i am trying to steel myself as best i can.

I feel kind of mixed up at the moment. Blondie has said that we are now friends, i texted him and said i was getting a bit worried as he was being really quite nice to me. And paying a bit of interest in things i do, which is really not like him at all, and he said that everything was good, and we are friends, so of course he is nice to me. He's happy and in love with Orion.

And that does please me, makes me very happy. As despite everything that has happened, i care and worry about him a great deal. I know he doesn't actually give a shit about me, but we very rarely can help who we love and care about.

Orion is mercurial as usual, hugging and telling me nice things on the Saturday - and then completely forgetting about me on the Sunday.

I feel jealous, even though i have no right to. But i guess i want that close friendship with someone. Most people ignore me, or say the see me too much. Maybe i'm needy, but...oh...i dunno.

For the first time in about 6 months Blondie actually came over to my desk to speak to me. It was kind of nice. He did the thing about saying he would text me later, but at least i know now that he doesn't mean it. So i have learned something!

I know i shudl stop looking, but o - how i long to have someone special.

I've decided that i'm going to remember Dad's death this year by going out and dancing and having fun. I'm probably going to be on my own, but hey dancing and getting some endorphins going and being happy... well Dad wanted me to be happy! And if i have to be by myself, well that's how things always are for me.

Everytime Blondie comes into the office, i start to feel stressed and upset and unhappy. I wish i didn't work here anymore. Yesterday he wanted to borrow a copy of my choirs CD. I asked him about it this morning and he just started slagging it off.

I mean, ok - it might not be the best CD in the world, but when you start slagging off the arrangements (and these aren't choir specific arrangements, but you know.... official ones) it all gets a bit much.

Why i thought that he would have anything positive to say at all, i don't know. It totally brought me down. But it also reminded me why i joined the choir. To have fun, and make friends and get some confidence back.

Y'know. i might not be as popular as Blondie, or have loud strong opinions... but what i am is supportive and i try and be positive about things. And i see that as being a good thing.

I do wonder if Orion would be able to stay with someone like that for a long time. I suspect that Blondie may be a little different with him as obviously he is head over heels in love with him. But it's his nature.

Then i start to worry, as i know it would break Blondie's heart. I despite his negativity and how rude he is towards me, i still care. And i don't want to see him so sad.

One way of taking my mind of things is to fill up my life with other stuff. So i'm now at weightwatcher with a couple of the girls from Choir on a Monday, Choir on Tuesday and Skating on Saturday. Not forgetting Cinema most Fridays! This week, i think i am out almost every night! It stops me from being upset because i don't have the close friendship i would like, and of course, gets me out meeting people.

That said, i will always be there for my friends. In fact Orion phoned me at twenty to 11 last night. He was walking around, feeling low. I think he'd had an argument with Blondie, and his family, and was feeling useless and stupid. I know how that goes. And he phoned to talk to someone friendly. Well, that i can do, i told him the funny stuff that had happened on my date a few weeks prior, and my weekend in Torquay (more of which later) and he laughed a bit. I offered to pick him up, but he said he would phone his sister and get her to pick him up.

He said the usual stuff about phoning me the next day etc etc, but i knew he wouldn't. And of course he didn't.

I don't mind being supportive, in fact i am honoured to be thought of, when someone needs to hear a friendly voice. But i am sad that there isn't anyone for me. And that i'm only good for that.

I see other people who are in couples, people who are really not very nice to their partners, and i start to think....maybe the reason i don't have anyone is because i am a truly awful person.

Day by Day i just feel more and more sad. It was kind like i had started to open up to someone i thought was a friend. But it was all a lie. He was just using me.

I am jealous when i see him being happier and happier, and ignoring me. It's not that i don't want him to be happy, because i do. IT made me so sad when he was unhappy, and depressed and alone. But conversely, i know that there is no-one who really worries about me and thinks about what they can do to help me. Selfish, i know. But that's me.

I guess when you've been single for so long, you get that way. I wish i could stop these feelings.

I never used to care. And when i swopped roles, i did stop going for lunch with him. But now i do, and i can't seem to stop. If i didn't have to see him almost everyday i think the feelings wuld go, and i wouldn't be so agitated all of the time.