tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32673032012-02-16T11:37:41.583ZCrochet in the UKsmallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.comBlogger9371100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-49437390370022541642011-02-23T20:58:00.001Z2011-02-23T21:01:05.113Z

Well, my attempt at a hat did not go to plan, so i have started on a black and pink, central city rollergirl striped scarf. The pattern is from the sunroom. Fingers crossed!

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-13155454929287408612011-02-15T23:34:00.000Z2011-02-15T23:38:32.316Z

So I've been hooking away and nearly finished the hat but it just didn't seem right. Not the right shape and not very snug. So I have unhooked and I've done as far as the two dc (us!) into every fifth one. So now I'm on the hook hook hook. Let's see how it turns out this time.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-33696628746728892402011-01-18T23:10:00.000Z2011-01-18T23:11:42.780Z

In a break from the blanket I have started making a scarf. I'll be making two, as they are for a couple of friends of mine. It's in the early stages, as you can see!It's made from Wendy Pampas mega chunky in teal. It's vert soft and snuggley, but sheds awfully. It's a fun and quick make, just what I need after working on the blanket for a bit. The blanket is easy, and I don't get bored as i

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-48607362033787648862011-01-12T10:22:00.006Z2011-01-12T11:44:37.285Z

It's a new year and i feel filled with positivity. I am making changes to my life in a way that will be permanent. I love to crochet, i would like this become more about that. There is no point becoming unhappy about the things i cannot change, and should instead focus on the good things. For example, my granny stripe crochet blanket. This is slowly taking shape. Growing daily, and i grow to love

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-30419420390376892862010-11-01T13:41:00.003Z2010-11-02T20:11:29.332Z

Improvements need to be made. So back on stupid diet again, and looking at studying to help improve my career.Do i love myself - there are things about me i don't like - and i am going to address these!The loneliness i am going to combat by studying

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-47401526701914181402010-10-26T21:42:00.003Z2010-10-26T21:43:00.463Z

To take my mind off things i am teaching myself to crochet. This is so positve, and so much fun. I love using thick yarn as it works up so quickly, and doesn't take long before i have created something!

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-71850626042072820382010-10-24T18:44:00.000Z2010-10-24T18:45:04.383Z

I am a selfish girl at times. I must try and be more patient and understanding. Not to ask for things I shouldn't have, and to be self-sufficient. I get so lonely though. I am definitely a person who needs another person of their very own.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-15764033312301906302010-10-15T09:53:00.002Z2010-10-15T10:00:10.175Z

I have bought a Garmin. After signing up for geocaching many many years ago, i finally got around to doing it. Initally with my iphone app, one weekend when D was working and found it to be a good way to go out and get fresh air and a bit of exercise.I enjoyed it so much that i had to buy a dedicated GPS system! The iphone app is briliant, but drains my battery so that a day out geocaching with

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-65262164642403462752010-10-11T19:27:00.002Z2010-10-11T19:44:39.088Z

I look back and see so many changes, some for the good and some not. I think i know now who told someone about my writing, as now they ignore me. Or maybe i am just paranoid. Still, maybe it's best to just leave alone and move on. I am more mellow than i used to be, but still not quite there. Something i must work on.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-89278360115677071082010-09-29T14:43:00.001Z2010-09-29T14:43:55.099Z

Things slowly seem to be falling into place. Reconciled with the life I have been given, and happy with it! So if you want to spread gossip to those who are dear to me, to try and ruin things... I hope you think again.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-30006861319867395752010-09-09T11:38:00.003Z2010-09-09T17:35:53.625Z

The wonderful Nerina Pallot has had a lovely baby boy. So Pleased for her!And yet so sad for myself. what a terrible, selfish thing. It has really just bought some things into sharp focus for myself.I am alone, and i realise now that i will probably be spending the rest of my life on my own. There will be no little family for myself, no-one to grow old with and to share a life with. I have a big

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-69064974471330087422010-09-02T12:03:00.002Z2010-09-02T12:17:37.008Z

Well the chocolate ready-made drink is ok. i am alternating it with sips of water and it is slowly going down. I want to win this battle this time.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-19257960474037629802010-09-02T11:06:00.001Z2010-09-02T11:09:29.193Z

Frist day on Cambridge diet. already tried to eat a vile tasting porridge and failed. Now on to drink one of their "chocolate" "shakes".I did well last time, and lost about 3 stone.But i just love eating and food, and my taste buds...well...

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-13456955978470090312010-07-15T20:17:00.003Z2010-11-02T19:52:09.357Z

I need some loving. I am so tired. Work makes me tired, and it feels like there is no respite.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-56937996724071628202010-06-01T19:55:00.002Z2010-06-01T20:41:55.347Z

I don't think that i was ever meant to be on my own. The evenings are so long and lonely. I am trying to reconnect with a few friends, and get well enough to go skating again. My heart is full of love to give someone who wants to come to me.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-45903047256570862862010-04-21T22:32:00.000Z2010-04-21T22:33:10.865Z

I feel so alone and lonely. It shouldn't be this way. Even with hobbies and friends I have made through those, I still go home at the end of the day and have no companionship. My heart never seems to get full.I am probably far too needy and dependant, but then I have been on my own for so many years... It's selfish of me to want someone just to have company. I need to learn more about putting

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-62722631552479382202010-04-20T21:39:00.000Z2010-04-20T21:40:09.803Z

Sick again. Working with the general public i just seem to pick up every bug going. I could do with a rest day, but no luck. I could do with being looked after, but no luck there either, of course! I can't even manage to eat Heinz tomato soup, which is one of my favourites. Wrap me in Your arms and comfort me, body and soul.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-27683691657755481492010-04-20T13:17:00.000Z2010-04-20T13:23:32.571Z

The big thing in the news is a cloud of volcanic ash which is preventing flights from leaving or entering the UK. You really couldn't make it up. I am so very glad that I am not on holiday. It was bad enough being stuck in an airport in Stockholm overnight!

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-1910288362353995452010-04-20T13:16:00.000Z2010-04-20T13:17:30.060Z

I've made a big decision. I am going to move down South. I am lonely and unhappy by myself in the Midlands, and I am at that stage of my life where I have to go out and actively seek the things that make me happy. I don't want life to pass me by anymore. For so long I have waited for love and family to come to me. They aren't going to. So I have to go to them! I have put out there about me moving

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-84768109374973302332010-04-14T11:02:00.000Z2010-04-14T11:03:26.864Z

A few friends of mine are getting married in a couple of months. It's so sweet to see their facebook updates. The one that touched me the most was from the girl who is already living in what will be their home, and how she can't wait for her fiancée to be with her always.It's brings these pangs if jealousy, what's so wrong with me that I don't have a fiancée, someone who wants to be with me and

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-46031621821803930142010-04-03T08:18:00.000Z2010-04-03T08:40:04.227Z

All i seem to be surrounded by at the moment is weddings, babies, families, husbands, wives.I feel really quite down at the realisation that it will never be my turn. I know that I have a heart full of love, and would be someones adoring and devoted wife. More time at the gym is needed.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-25642227893695493912010-04-02T10:20:00.000Z2010-04-02T10:21:23.450Z

This is not one of my most favourite times of year. It is usually spent alone and feeling lonely and isolated. This bank holiday I am hoping to spoil myself a little by doing my nails, and by sorting my bedroom out so that I have somewhere nice and peaceful. Although it may not look it, I have tidied and thrown away a lot of stuff. My bedroom has been on my agenda for a while. Another one of the

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-24169317385778426222010-03-16T21:41:00.001Z2010-03-16T21:41:38.274Z

I really will never be that young bride that i always longed to be. But on the other hand, having been on my own for such a long time, I don't take having someone for granted and I am aware that we all have our foibles and failings, and I accept them, but try to work on them too, as I truly long to be a better person. And I really appreciate having someone in my life. I have so much love to give

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-44459396470766024902010-03-12T09:14:00.001Z2010-03-12T09:14:16.754Z

In a branch and hearing "don't dream it's over". I'm reminded of happy times. I wish those times were every day. I know that i should treasure them even more, but being without them just makes it more painful.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-79598631006067253232010-03-11T15:07:00.002Z2010-03-11T15:29:01.122Z

Feeling quite tired and lonely at the moment. Plans for this week gone awry, being sent to a different branch at very little notice. and doing completely different work to that which was expected. I'm off to the gym tonight, i'm slowly getting there. Keeping busy helps, as it gets me to stay away from food. I'm also trying to be tidy. My goal for this weekend is to empty the boxes and stuff which

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-73411717505196752272010-03-01T08:38:00.001Z2010-03-01T08:38:44.928Z

It's one of those days where the phrase that I recall from "Jamaica Inn" is so apt:"a hard, bright day". It's sunny, but bitterly cold. And annoyingly I forgot my gloves. It's days like this when my spirits are lifted by the sun!

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-64264703505573673232010-02-27T20:59:00.001Z2010-02-27T20:59:59.004Z

And yet again if I had a little family I couldn't just go off and do things. Which do I want more?

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-33103966491108121592010-02-26T22:27:00.001Z2010-02-26T22:27:08.036Z

Could be going on an adventure next weekend. How exciting! It was just the thing I needed to cheer me up. Focusing in travel and adventure Takes my mind off feeling poorly and sitting here alone.Speshly since another old school friend had another baby. Makes my heart hurt.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-23441852631326666142010-02-26T11:57:00.000Z2010-02-26T11:58:06.176Z

Still feeling very poorly and wishing I had someone to look after me :-( I feel as if every day is a struggle. I don't want to be alone.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-24116400333228899892010-02-25T22:48:00.001Z2010-02-25T22:48:44.328Z

I feel tired and cranky. I want to be taken care of.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-45497967478452726692010-02-25T21:31:00.001Z2010-02-25T21:31:49.380Z

Another tv programme and another young bride. What can I replace this dream with?

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-56587866933490846882010-02-25T11:01:00.000Z2010-02-25T11:04:08.234Z

As is per usual for February we had more snow. What was pretty in December is now annoying. I long for the spring and the warmer weather.I need another holiday, somewhere to warm my bones.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-69503319692973337612010-02-25T10:58:00.001Z2010-02-25T10:58:27.369Z

I sit and listen to women all day long talk about how they treat their other halves. How one will only allow her boyfriend to shave once a week. Tells him that they can't go on holiday. Calls him several times a day.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-60724000359729787062010-02-08T21:00:00.001Z2010-02-08T21:00:47.522Z

Washing machine had a blip today and as a result my kitchen Floor is wet and cold. I hate it when things like this happen. I feel tired and lonely. Like I am always struggling on alone. I don't want that.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-64203247494088184502010-02-04T21:32:00.002Z2010-02-04T22:21:27.799Z

Feeling a bit low today. Lonely. I think i'm over things, and then this wave comes over me that i will never be a young bride, or have a little family of my own. i'll probably never be a wife, or have someone to share my life with. What can i do to fill my days instead...?

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-49128264338044941932010-01-19T15:38:00.001Z2010-01-19T15:38:11.517Z

The instructor who took the bootcamp phoned me up, and I'm going to do a 30 min pt taster session. He thought I did well, as I never gave up and even if I couldn't do all the exercises I did alternates which were still hard for me. I ache!But I am going to go for a swim after work as I need to do something. Need to take my mind off things. I need hugs

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-19247265084733285352010-01-19T07:52:00.001Z2010-01-19T07:52:57.891Z

Weighed myself this morning. I put on 1lb. All that hard work for nothing

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-62785964325983482462010-01-18T23:04:00.001Z2010-01-18T23:04:27.307Z

I just wrote a whole load which got wiped. Annoying. Keeping up the gym. I did a boot camp class which was hard work, but fun. Felt ravenous afterwards, and gave in to eating. Tomorrow I'm going for a swim to relax a bit, and also keep up gym attendance. They are doing "do two" where if you go twice a week, you get small rewards. Trouble is my dd didn't go through properly. I hope that this

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-81234912792566709842010-01-17T20:56:00.001Z2010-01-17T20:56:15.542Z

Thinking about it, could I do all the things that I enjoy doing if I had a little family? Probably not.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-72810445515506517482010-01-14T22:58:00.001Z2010-01-14T22:58:06.558Z

It's now turned to slush. But it feels like it's been here for months. I never thought I would see it so low! I'm currently listening to a book I got from audible. Seems like a good service.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-41164043292041241502010-01-12T22:36:00.001Z2010-01-12T22:36:55.077Z

Jewellery drawer sorted. Dining room table sorted. I have a long way to travel tomorrow, but I amHoping to try and go straight to the gym so that I cam get that done. Then, at home, I am going to sort out a little of my study. I have a piece of carpet and a broken chair which need moving outside so that they can be taken to the tip. Slowly, but surely.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-80550564818975646882010-01-12T20:20:00.000Z2010-01-14T22:55:28.874Z

Well, I went swimming, had a jacket potato for lunch, carrot and hummus for tea. I put up a towel holder, did some expenses. I'm going to sort out my jewellery drawer during CSI and in the ad breaks try and clear the dining room table.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-36792028904870708252010-01-12T11:32:00.001Z2010-01-12T11:32:00.983Z

Ok, so how do I become a better person? Firstly by not mentioning other people in specifics here, or elsewhere online. That will take away any niggles or guilt, as there simply won't be any!Next I shall be smiley and happy. Who would want to know someone who is sad and miserable??Then I lose weight. The past few weeks, seeing even more of my friends get engaged, or tell me that they are expecting

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-39435637677696166022010-01-11T21:54:00.000Z2010-01-11T22:25:16.055Z

I now have a toilet roll holder in my bathroom. I am very proud of myself. I am slowly getting things done. I'm turning over a new leaf from today. I will try to do one home improvement task each day, three times a week I want to be down the gym getting some exercise.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-41650249593757199922010-01-11T20:09:00.001Z2010-01-11T20:09:58.832Z

Sitting by myself, feeling alone. Just the cat for company. Tomorrow my plan is to go to the gym, and start losing all this weight. I want to make myself a better person. Both physically and mentally. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-26543726386232248412010-01-10T08:14:00.001Z2010-01-10T08:14:01.227Z

I should probably write a little something about the hardest winter that I can remember. It feels like there has been snow on the ground for weeks. It has not prevented me from getting out and about to work, though with my little smart I take things very easy. Automatic cars are much more difficult to maintain control of in the ice. Joining the gym at Starcity today. Determined to get fit and

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-11143471600376516232010-01-07T17:00:00.001Z2010-01-07T17:00:52.330Z

Another hard day in a branch full of women with husbands, boyfriends and babies. Tying to keep positive and smiley. I need hugs and kisses...

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-39212025445056797462010-01-05T20:40:00.001Z2010-01-05T20:40:56.543Z

2010. I'm not sure what this year will bring. By this time next year I want to have finished this house and look to be selling or renting. But as to where, I am not sure. I'm a planner and I am struggling with a lack of a plan. My heart is torn. I know that I want so much, too much. Too much for anyone. So I must get my own life on track. Starting with the house and losing weight. If everything

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-28081905807129603682009-12-03T21:40:00.001Z2009-12-03T21:40:07.334Z

I find it so hard to go into branches sometimes. It seems as if everywhere i go I see engagements and weddings, babies on the way and families. I come home to a cold and empty house. Lonely. I can't go skating because I don't get home in time.I need to find something to occupy my time.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-79961100294809459812009-11-22T16:10:00.001Z2009-11-22T16:10:42.359Z

I feel as if I have no-one I can confide in, and I can't use this as a way to talk about my worries. I just try and remember that I am lucky to have my skating ladies and lads. They fill me with love that is almost unconditional.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-89754762878518796982009-11-16T14:27:00.001Z2009-11-16T14:27:53.421Z

What terrible weather today. The visibilty on the drive to today's branch was so poor. I much prefer the crisp, cold yet sunny weather to this dampness. My little car is getting such a work out. I have a such a lot to do today. Tidy and wash up at home, then out to the cinema to see 2012. I want to be a more tidy and organised person at home. I think it will help me feel calmer.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-86199335829627504992009-11-15T08:14:00.001Z2009-11-15T08:14:25.475Z

Vaguely awake. Now I can write more on the subject. So privileged and proud to be associated with such a bunch of wonderful gals and guys. I get so much more from them than i could ever possibly give back. I need to lose a ton of weight so that I can actually play properly. That would be a good way to pay back. I just get so much love and friendship. I get to know a diverse bunch of people who I

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-1674148410073195352009-11-15T03:52:00.001Z2009-11-15T03:52:32.667Z

CCR are two. I am so glad that i have such a wonderful bunch of people in my life. Kind and caring guys and girls. Funny and crazy !

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-75046899096505885192009-08-07T13:20:00.000Z2009-08-10T13:20:36.745Z

Feeling quite gutted. One of my colleagues went for the same role as me, her interview the day after mine... she has already had her second round interview, and i have heard nothing. Not even a thanks, but no thanks.Gutted as i think it would be been a great opportunity for me, but that is life. Something better will turn up.Also gutted that Tatman and Moni are moving to Surrey. I shall miss them

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-8613826233468967972009-07-28T10:44:00.000Z2009-07-29T10:44:26.297Z

Things going as always. I see an improvement in my skating. Still very slow, but i can now get up if i do a right knee fall. It might take me a couple of attempts, but i can do it! My next goal is to work at that until i can do it on the first attempt for the whole of a session. Then get my other leg stronger so i can do it on that one. Then work on knee dips. It has taken me 18 months, but i

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-9459949506019497702009-07-14T14:27:00.001Z2009-07-14T14:27:04.303Z

I guess i'm making all the mistakes that most people made in their teens and twenties now...as i had no opportunity to make them then. Probably at this age it just hits you harder...or something.I just felt as if he was the one... not a blinding light buld..just... more.. as if it was meant to be.But as per usual, am probably wrong.And maybe i'm wrong about this too...and he is actually wanting

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-68975382110334832152009-06-08T10:56:00.001Z2009-06-08T10:56:57.133Z

Monica and tatman are off to Prague for a long weekend. I feel a little jealous, as i have never had a holiday with a loved one - but pleased for them. They should enjoy themselves in Prague, it's such a beautiful city.As for me...well i am booked to go back for a longer weekend at the beginning of July to Stockholm with Steve and Dan, which should hopefully be good. And hopefully a trip

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-9962618713627733252009-05-19T12:43:00.000Z2009-05-22T12:45:51.726Z

REally quite annoyed and upset. Rawk has told me that his reason fo rnot meetin gup for the gig tomorrow is because it hinks i don;t like his ex! I hardly know his ex! Indeed, i have always felt that it was the other way around. I try and initiate conversations with him via msn and fb - but he never responds.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-75148599114049495672009-05-16T07:55:00.001Z2009-05-16T07:55:21.630Z

Currently in the Cambridge services eating a cooked breakfast before heading on to stansted airport. There I will meet dan, and then on to Sweden to meet Steve. My head hurts due tiredness and I doubt it will be an early night! But it will be good to see them again. Still very sad about Rawk and his new life. But I am trying to make some new friends, and carry on. This time, will try not to get

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-70166019836485981382009-05-14T22:29:00.001Z2009-05-14T22:29:25.833Z

I have decided not to contact Rawk again. He is better off with his new best friend, and the flat mates that be now sits downstairs with. He days he wasn't unhappy at mine, but that alone is very telling. I will never share again. Geolocate this post.Posted with LifeCast

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-34348602208570247052009-05-14T22:21:00.001Z2009-05-14T22:21:24.572Z

Very hard to keep positive. See, I was right. Rawk said that everything would be the same, but it's not. No responses to texts, I found parties going on that all mutual friends are invited to, but not me. One day I will find that close friendship. I must do, I think I have some good qualities. Geolocate this post.Posted with LifeCast

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-46275014847465207352009-05-14T18:05:00.001Z2009-05-14T18:06:12.410Z

Have just found out that Rawk had a party has his new place, and his friends were invited. but not me. Heartbroken.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-19443974101331348832009-05-13T13:54:00.001Z2009-05-13T13:54:56.745Z

Geolocate this post.Posted with LifeCast

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-58117986763022179882009-05-13T13:53:00.001Z2009-05-13T13:53:05.899Z

Today it kind of feels as if Rawk was just using me. Only seeing me when and where he wants. I have no faith that he will actually go and see OBL in December. We are going to see Ladyhawke next week, but getting no response about meeting up. So much for him saying that everything would be the same, with nights out and meals. They will never happen again. So despite feeling quite gloomy over this,

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-39202472493926774802009-05-12T08:13:00.000Z2009-05-15T08:13:35.559Z

I was quite surprised. Re-arranged to meet up with Rawk, and he turned up! It was ok, but despite what he says about things being the same... they aren't anymore. I goes on about his new best friend, which fill me with jealousy... and i try my best not to show it. And he goes on about his new place, which he prefers and says things are better... which upsets me. He doesn't speak to me via msn

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-59918983519565621172009-05-08T07:01:00.001Z2009-05-08T07:53:20.896Z

Rawk was supposed to be picking a bookcase up today, but again has changed his mind. We have apparently rescheduled meeting up for Monday, but as he then said about picking up the bookcase on Monday i am confused.I just want a friend, that i can arrange to meet, and who will actually be there. It feels so hard otherwise.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-64081254159044300662009-05-07T07:00:00.000Z2009-05-08T07:00:53.505Z

Was supposed to meet Rawk last night for a drink, but as per usual he cried off last minute. Said he was feeling ill, but i suspect he actually had a better offer. Oh how, more than ever, i wish i had a close friend. Seems selfish to want a friend just for my own sake, and not to be a good friend to them...but i am so tired of this.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-46965350593321088892009-05-06T22:00:00.001Z2009-05-06T22:00:35.257Z

Posted with LifeCast

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-56052421596935218912009-05-06T21:59:00.001Z2009-05-06T21:59:18.181Z

Am feeling very confused about things. I have feelings for someone I shouldn't. It was so nice to walk hand in hand with them. And to have them hold my hand when watching a concert. I think it was just the alcohol though. But it was just so nice for once. I am affectionate person ... It is something that I would like so much. Posted with LifeCast

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-26346410658479237442009-04-30T21:27:00.000Z2009-04-30T21:30:49.667Z

Follow me on Twitter!

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-9689552062359579022009-04-26T22:41:00.001Z2009-04-26T22:41:25.696Z

Posted with LifeCast

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-72734793783991436922009-04-22T18:47:00.001Z2009-04-22T20:12:56.119Z

As of tomorrow Rawk will no longer officially be living with me. I feel so sad. And i know that i am unlikely to see him again. He acutally said that he is not sad to be leaving, and is in fact happy to go. No thank you, considering i took him in when he was living somewhere really horrible. But, i remind myself that i never did it for the thanks. I did it because a friend in need, and all that.I

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-89990526380857481102009-04-15T17:56:00.000Z2009-04-15T17:57:02.724Z

He cancelled the quiz. Quelle surprise.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-15411500545611798712009-04-15T17:35:00.000Z2009-04-15T17:36:44.441Z

Found out that another reason he has gone quiet, and is less interested is that he has found a new friend. I don't begrudge this, as i want Rawk to be happy. I just wish i had a close friend of my own.No, i am happy for him. When he isn't being mean, he is a nice guy, and deserves to be loved up. He spends so much time with his ex, and presumably listening to his ex talk about his new fella,

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-79553864347331231942009-04-13T15:19:00.001Z2009-04-13T15:24:35.889Z

I guess it makes sense, although to be fair he is very rarely at my home, and i see him a max of 2 days a week. But still, it's really a very mean thing to say to someone especially when you are leaving their home.I think the chances of me actually bothering to make an effort to keep in touch are slight.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-66892421114619480452009-04-11T06:08:00.002Z2009-04-11T06:18:08.076Z

Things go from bad to worse. Apparently since he currently lives with me Rawk is "less-excited" to hear from me. I can't think of a meaner thing to say to someone who is not only supposed to be a friend, but a mean thing to say to someone who took your into their home when you were living in a place you hated.How unkind and cruel.I so long for that close friendship that i seek. I don't want to

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-137741533280381982009-04-03T20:26:00.002Z2009-04-03T20:57:18.998Z

I know...i guess i just long for friends who are around. People wonder why i get so intense, but i guess it's after years of being picked up and then dropped when conveniant that now i just want to get as much in the, what seems, little time...But i know it makes things worse...vicious cycle...

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-23913087934487304512009-04-01T17:17:00.001Z2009-04-01T17:17:31.265Z

Seems like i have found the reason why Rawk has been like he is recently. He didn't like being called my housemate, and is now moving out.I tried to explain that to me, introducing him as my housemate was a big deal to me. I have never shared with anyone, and it meant he was a very good friend. But, whatever. He's not now, so it doesn't matter.Well, that friendship now over. He barely keeps in

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-9443136322155408202009-03-26T21:55:00.001Z2009-03-26T21:55:20.231Z

After pestering, Rawk, i got the feb/march rent money. I hate having to pester him... especially when i am now not getting any thing in return for having him stay here. I get no company, no help around the house...I know i make things worse...so i am doing well with my positivity towards him. I have a strong feeling though that our agreed plan for Saturday won't happen.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-78254761072775717332009-03-25T08:58:00.000Z2009-03-26T08:58:56.047Z

I find it difficult to let go of blondie. He looks so sad at the moment, i just want to see him smile... but i persist in the face of all adversity."i'm not fobbiing u off cos a drink might be nice but i'm not in the mood to be social tonight. Another time maybe. If i change my mind i'll u know tho. x"But i know it will all come to nothing.And i am struggling with Rawk. Never being around sounds

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-53954633073375036822009-03-17T18:31:00.000Z2009-03-17T18:32:10.100Z

Things are a little better with Rawk. At least he has paid his rent now. The fact is, he likes his own company (well, when i say his own company he likes chatting to boys on the internet in his room). He likes ot be spontanous, and feels forced if he has to plan things. I like to plan, and have things to look forward to. I guess neither way is right and neither way is wrong.The thing i most want

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-2573807209991612162009-02-27T10:29:00.002Z2009-02-27T10:37:19.803Z

I really am beginning to get the impression that Rawk is avoiding me. I am not sure how i feel about it. On the one hand, i'm quite upset as there is no need. I wouldn't have a go at him for not paying, and i think we do need to have a talk... I do wonder if he is going to move in with another friend who has a smart new flat in the centre of town...The other hand, he's not much company and has

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-29661965519232135082009-02-26T13:23:00.002Z2009-02-26T15:03:50.397Z

Seems like Rawk won 't talk to me any longer. I just wanted some company, but all i am getting at the moment is a closed door and no rent.He's sort of agreed to pay me weekly, so we will see if that happens.I realyl don't know though. I like dhim as a person, and we were friends... but he would rather be with his ex.I just wish i hd someone who would rather be with me...

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-75465370758705452182009-02-18T20:47:00.001Z2009-02-18T20:47:36.541Z

It's good to be able to write here, i can get the crazy out...without people finding out.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-12737524493034788052009-02-18T20:26:00.002Z2009-02-18T20:46:15.261Z

I am trying to remain calm, but Rawk hasn't contacted me, so i am in two minds. Either i should be concerned that he hasn't contacted me, or i should be cross.I have a very strong feeling that he is going to cancel, and that makes me so sad. I am a person who tries very hard to be good, and do nice things for other people, and my repayment is to be treated like i matter to no-one...On the other

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-47869444838460187372009-02-18T08:16:00.001Z2009-02-18T08:16:10.407Z

Sometimes telling people that you have thoughts and feelings doesn't always work out. I'm sure Rawk must think i'm insane. Not that i'm exactly sane.I think too much, most people say that. But then on the other hand i get accused of thoughtlessness, so i can't win..I am quite upset today thought. Nearly 6 weeks ago, Rawk and I planned a trip to London to see Nerina. Last night he said to cancel

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-33382255336161878142009-02-16T16:29:00.001Z2009-02-16T16:29:33.076Z

Yeh, i know he doesn't have to be my best mate, although we were (and are) friends beforehand. As it happens he's thinking about moving to Australia. I guess... it's just nice to have friends, and i think i just got very upset about him walking out.... even though it was apparnetly nothing to do with me at all. It just pushes buttons, y'know.We do lead seperate lives quite a lot of the time, it's

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-48084903803099822912009-02-12T08:47:00.002Z2009-02-12T09:23:34.157Z

We talked a little last night, Rawk and I, via MSN. He's been back at his parents, and TBH i've not really seen much of him the past few weeks. If i was back in my old room it would have been as if he didn't exist at all.I guess it's not what i was expecting or wanting. Or maybe things have changed for him...He was supposed to be spending my birhtday with me, and maybe thats selfish, but i can

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-10414608700890635792009-02-12T08:39:00.000Z2009-02-12T08:46:40.027Z

Sunday went all wrong. Rawk and i were supposed to go to Ikea, then onto the Pear Tree. He turned up with his ex (with whom he'd gone out the night before and stayed over at) and all went along together. I think rawk had forgotten that he had agreed to go to the pear tree with me, and wanted to spend more time with his ex... at any rate his ex was having none of it (said he had things to do) and

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-30906893119143016412009-02-07T18:16:00.004Z2009-02-07T18:21:48.246Z

More so than ever i wish i had a close friend, someone who would like out for me, and i would look out for them. I went to distraction last night, i ended up having to go home alone. Maybe it's selfish, but if one of my friends who i had come with was in pain and wanted to leave, i would go with them.Just been let down so many times. I end up having to make the compromises and lose out...

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-44008407211617294002009-02-03T21:53:00.003Z2009-02-03T22:35:25.770Z

I feel up and down at the moment. I long for a close friendship. Someone to confide in...I am grateful for skating and central city rollergirls. I've made some friends, but no-one that i could ring up and arrange to do the stuff i like with.I long to have someone that i can show affection to.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-87336120552901116492009-01-09T11:20:00.000Z2009-01-12T11:20:53.039Z

An okish New Year. Blondie and Orion officially engaged... and me, still single. I want to make myself into a better person, as clearly this is the problem.I am also a bit worried that Rawk thinks i am completely insane and insecure, which in truth i am but this is something that i try and keep completely hidden. He never really seems to lack for people to have lunch with, and often stays over

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-52458978927164220032008-12-30T11:44:00.000Z2009-01-02T11:45:10.764Z

Well, it now seems that Blondie and Orion are engaged...and so is one of the girls at work, and so it tatman's foster daughter.... seems like everyone....Trying to keep happy and positive, but finding it quite hard. Maybe i am really not a nice person at all. I want someone in my life who will invite me round to their house, and will hug me...On the plus side, i am really enjoying having Rawk as

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-8559087635968363432008-12-24T14:07:00.000Z2008-12-29T09:07:18.879Z

Blimey. Today Blondie decided to speak to me. Turns out though, that he is probably getting back with Orion..... so no wonder. did he ask anything about me and what i've been up to, or how i am...of course not.I also picked up a small bottle of SC for Rawk, as i know that he likes that. Oh how i wish i had someone special that i could shop for. Maybe some people, like me, are just not meant to

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-9974937967652693012008-12-23T09:38:00.000Z2008-12-24T09:38:27.129Z

Things are going pretty well. I am still enjoying having a housemate. Although time will tell when i am back to having loads to do in the evenings and am exhausted from travelling to and from Kings Heath. I am beginning to think i need to slow down a little. Perhaps after the bout i won't go to advanced AND basic skills, but pick only one each week. I think that will help, as i am aware that i am

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-38937775796552964502008-12-19T15:44:00.000Z2008-12-22T15:44:55.366Z

Well Blondie seems to be completely ignoring me, unless he wants to be drama queenish and complain about stuff. No wonder he cries about having no friends if this is how he treats people.I had forgotten how everything is all about him. I am so pleased with myself for having moved on.As for me, I am getting settled living with Rawk. It's quite weird, but we get along pretty well, and at the moment

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-58926855999737500852008-12-04T22:39:00.002Z2008-12-04T22:43:14.797Z

Well i did go with Rawk to Merry Hill, then dropped him off at work. We get on pretty well, which is good. In fact, over the past week we've come to an agreement that he is going to move in and be my housemate! We are the same age, and he is pretty chilled out. So I am going to give him my room, and move into the smaller bedroom, since the rest of the house is mine. I don't know what date he's

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-45724758388870030442008-11-28T22:33:00.000Z2008-12-04T22:34:38.980Z

I've arranged to go to merry hill with Rawk tomorrow, so i guess i will see if he turns that down suddenly. i hope not, as i try and want to be positive and optimisitc about people.

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-31584516355878234152008-11-28T15:10:00.001Z2008-11-28T15:12:07.621Z

Blondie and Orion have definately split up again. So glad i'm not involved. I think this time it is for good (well a few weeks anyway), and i worry about Blondie so much. But he won't speak to me at all. Far from being civil to me, he actively avoids me in the office. It's very sad. And i hate seeing him in so much pain. He worried me the other week by texting me that he had lost everything and

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3267303.post-35649565135388129302008-11-11T12:00:00.000Z2008-11-26T12:01:24.198Z

I wish i could get things sorted. It's dragging me down. After a good CCR birthday, i met Orion in the gale who was completely wasted and getting off with some random bloke. LAter he told me his stalker was outside (ie Blondie).Eventually i left and bumped into Blondie outside who looked very pissed off. Orion had phoned him to get a lift home.Later that week i had a long chat with Blondie who

smallkathttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09082770715641020214noreply@blogger.com0