Ever have one of those weekends where... well how do i begin?

Friday i hurried home from work to get the bus into town to meet up with bobs for a drink. ONly he didn't turn up and i sat in the square peg feeling like a bit of a square peg on my own. Whilst i was there i texted my friend blondie from work who said that i wasn't an idiot... but me, i'm not exactly sure.

I was a bit worried about him really, and well...me being me i hate seeing people unhappy.

So anyway i had quite a bit to drink and had a hangover Saturday. In my hungover state I decided to get my haircut which was a v bad idea as it's now quite short.

i texted bhav, but she didn't have much to say, texted blondie who phoned me back later and we had a chat. he had asked out his friend who i think said yes, So that was good. I told him that was i was meeting my first "date" from the dating agency which i think he thought was hilarious, but said he would ring afterwards. I seem to like him a lot more when he is with his friend, he seems less brittle. But that's maybe because he's not at work!

Sunday i met my date. wow. We had nothing in common at all. i must have talked for about 1.5hours of the 2 hours. I~T was rally painful. I texted blondie who phoned me later, although he hadn't actually got my text. He suggested meeting up later that night with his friend. I readily agreed!

i hit town first as they were stuck on the m6. his friend was crackers, but seemed to take to me and persuaded me that i should go home, followed by them, and thenthey would drive me back into town. so i agree. i had a lot of fun, drinking and dancing. his friend said stuff like i was adorable, which...well...you see i am inclined to believe people when they say things but it's always tempered with the fact that i am very much used to being an outsider. Still for just one night i felt like i was ok.

Of course the next day, today, things were different. It was just one night and now I'm back to being alone and not really fitting in anywhere.

Too many times i've been the girl to go to when things are wrong, but when things go right i'm alone again. I like being phoned and made to feel like i belong. It kind of reminds me of Aileen, and how hurt i was by that. Wow. that brings back so much. Put on toe out and it gets trodden on. ok well it's not the same really... but it just brings back those memories.

I don't want to feel like this, so down. Maybe i shouldn't go out at all if this is the downside...

I do wonder why i am so often alone. I think i'm nice enough, but i'm clearly not nice enough. i have to learn how, or maybe i'm too pushy. do i be more standoffish?

I don't know anymore. i just want to be somewhere or someone different.