It was a bit of an upsetting weekend for me. I went to the estate agents and found out that i couldn't get as much mortgage as i had hoped, and that i will be quite limited in what i can buy. Plus, the cost of taking on the maximum amount would leave me with very little spare cash (about 50 quid). I thought that i would wait, but then the estate agents got me upset by saying that if i did wait i would never be able to afford to sort of place i wanted, and indeed would never be able to get on the property ladder. I have to escape and the thought of never being able to filled me with such despair and dread that i started to cry and ran out of the place.

Eventually i made my way home and after further tears, i found the Sutton Observer which my mum had thrown in the bin (i noticed that she had not thrown away the Sutton News which does not have property listings in it) and started looking through it for cheaper properties.

I found one, which is in a simillar block of flats to my friend Alison, but it had already gone and i was 5th in line in case any others from that block came onto the market! I rang up about another, on the same road, but a little closer. It isn't is as nice an area (the fencing has wire along the top), but the flat is more expensive and from the outside the rooms look a decent size. And size is something that is important to me, since i want something that doesn't make me feel trapped.

I don't feel too badly, although there is a deep sadness that i cannot afford the type of place my friends have. Then i have to remind myself that my friends first places were not bought by themselves, they had boyfriends and husbands to contribute.

Another thing that tipped me off at the estate agents was them asking if i couldn't buy with someone (like i'd be attempting to buy alone if i did), or if i couldn't get my parents to contribute (my mum has nothing to give).

I am worried about moving to a less safe area, and i am worried about moving into a ground floor flat. But i remind myself that i have lived in houses, which are just as easy to break into.

I also become aware of my own "snobbishness", which i know for a fact that i inherited from parents. Possibly as a result of their own poor upbringing.